


You're Not Alone

by CadomirBane



Series: Written in the Stars [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Closeted Character, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Modern Era, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, Trans Female Character, Trans Kylo Ren, Trans Male Character, Trans Rey, Transphobia, burn so slow your balls are gon be giant blueberries by the time they even touch hands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-23 05:13:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 60,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14927786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CadomirBane/pseuds/CadomirBane
Summary: Not your everyday College/Coffee Shop AU. Ben Solo is a creative writing major (stage name Kylo Ren), has a rock band called the Knights of Ren, and he's a trans guy out and proud since childhood. Rey Jakku is a mechanical engineering major and a trans girl still in the closet. But that's about to change for her when she meets a hot barista attending the same school as her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO ALL! Really hope you enjoy this story! I'm a hardcore Reylo fan and was super sad to not be able to find any fics/art of both Rey and Kylo as transgender so this fic was inspired to change that.
> 
> The story starts off with Rey still living under her deadname and presenting as masculine, just to avoid any confusion.
> 
> Trigger and content warnings (abbreviated as TW and CW) will be posted at the start of every chapter but be warned, this story will contain a LOT of mentions and descriptions of transphobic words/behavior, mentions of graphic childhood abuse, and characters will be dead-named/misgendered. There will be incorrect pronouns used before characters come out of the closet (for storytelling's sake of course), and detailed descriptions of gender dysphoria and the side effects of medical transitioning. But on the bright side this story will also have a lot of characters supporting each other, helping each other heal, and learning to live as their true selves. It'll lean more towards the comfort side of hurt/comfort, but not without some dark stuff.
> 
> And yes there will be Reylo smut...eventually ;)
> 
> This story is written by a trans guy and beta-read by a trans girl!

Rey was so nervous she couldn’t breathe.

She had spent so many years of her childhood dreaming of a moment like this. And now that it was here, she was almost afraid to take it. Almost wanted to run away in case it didn’t turn out as she expected.

Which it probably would. Everything in her life up until now had been a series of gross disappointments, so what should make this any different? Had she let herself gain yet another sense of false hope that this would be another dream come true?

Then again, maybe she was wrong. There was always that glimmer of hope.

The Takodana University Facilities Hall loomed in front of her like an ancient giant. A red brick building, stone pillars and Colonial-esque windows and a roof, with large statues of lions adorned its front. The lawn, neatly cut, displayed rows of beautiful bushes of flowers. The pictures on the internet had not done it justice. And the campus was _fucking huge_. It took her ages to get her 1990 white Ford Explorer a damn parking spot in all the chaos of Orientation Day. That poor piece of shit lemon had taken her across the whole damn country and still managed to hold together somehow.

Clutching the straps of her backpack - the only luggage she had - Rey almost backed away. But it was too late now. Her first year’s tuition had already been submitted. There was no going back now.

She glanced at the other students making their way around the brick pathways around campus. Most if not all of them looked upper-middle class, dressed in brand name clothing with professional hairstyles. Not to mention fancy laptop bags and expensive headphones. Rey clutched at the sleeves of her ratty hoodie, suddenly realizing how out of place she seemed. The worn steel toed work boots probably didn’t help either.

For a moment, she imagined herself as an innocent schoolgirl, like in one of those cheesy Japanese manga comics. A white shirt, pleated skirt and all. Probably playing with a loose strand of hair nervously. All cute and submissive and shit. Fancy that.

Instead, Rey scratched at the stubble on her chin and took a deep breath.

“Well, you asked for it,” she muttered to herself. She took another step closer toward the Facilities Hall.

 

~

 

The volunteer seemed surprised when Rey said she didn’t have any extra luggage to carry.

“This is it?” he asked, looking her up and down, like she had a hidden suitcase on her or something.

“Uh, yeah.” Rey adjusted the backpack on her shoulders, not understanding his reaction. She had a change of clothes, a sleeping bag, her cheap old laptop, a notebook, pen and pencil, basic toiletries, and her wallet. What else would she need? “This is my stuff.”

“Oooookay then. Your room number is 14B.” He handed over her set of keys. “You’re lucky. Single dorms get taken pretty fast.”

She couldn’t help but grin when she took them. This was really happening. She was a college student now. She was about to really become _somebody._ As she walked up the stairs to her apartment she jingled the key in her hand a bit.

It was a very small dorm. Nothing more than a bedroom, a small space for cooking, a bathroom, and one closet. But to Rey it was plenty. More than enough than she needed. She fell down on the bare bed and stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes. Her heart pounded. She clasped her student ID to her chest.

In the back of her mind, old voices started to arise. Voices of all those people who told her she’d never make it this far. That she wouldn’t even graduate middle school, much less high school. Most of the teachers in school had been like that, and honestly she couldn’t blame them too much. Rey had been what they like to call a “problem child” - prone to outbursts of rage, starting fights on the playground, spending weekend after weekend in detention. The constant smell of booze and cigarettes in her hair and clothes. Bruises and cuts showing up in seemingly random places. But of course no one asked her about that, only inquired why she bit some kid’s arm or why she shouted at the teacher again. Even the school counselor chimed in with the rest of them. _“You keep this up and you’ll never amount to anything. Do you want to go to juvie? Because that’s where you’re headed if you keep going down this way.”_

And look at her now.

She planted a kiss on her student ID.

“Fuck you, Unkar,” she said aloud.

There was commotion outside her door. By second habit, she sat up straight, fists clenched. It was just some freshmen whooping and hollering, throwing pillows at each other. Rey debated joining them when she remembered how much she stood out around here already. Yet she still felt the pull to at least try. Maybe they wouldn’t think it so bad.

She got up and opened the door. Sure enough several students were having a pillow fight in the hall, much to the frustration of the others who were just trying to get unpacked and settle in. Rey was shocked at how much crap these guys were carrying around. Some of them had two suitcases dragging behind them, _and_ a few buddies hauling extra shit. Who needed so much stuff?

A pillow was hurled at her. Her sharp reflexes helped her catch it just in time and throw it back at the guy who threw it. It struck him right in the stomach and his buddies laughed. They engaged in the fight for a little while longer until a red-haired volunteer, clearly a junior or senior, scolded them for the ruckus and told them to settle down. Rey just glanced at the others and laughed as they watched the guy leave.

“Someone has a stick up his ass,” she muttered.

“He’s one of the best students here so be careful who hears you say that,” the boy who threw the pillow at her teased.

“Ooh, nerds. Terrifying.” She rolled her eyes. Back in school she used to punch the nerdy kids for an extra snack. Looking back she almost regretted it, considering how many kids got a bloody nose so she wouldn’t have to starve again. Oh, well. They probably needed help toughening up anyway.

“What’s your name?” the fellow freshman asked, holding the pillow he had thrown at her moments ago.

She bit her lip.

“Rian. Jakku.”

Part of her tensed up at having to mention the family name. A name like ‘Jakku’ did not exactly have a positive reputation to it. When a Jakku was asked their last name it was usually followed by asking--only somewhat in jest--how many cousins they had fucked and where they cooked their meth. Luckily this guy seemed sheltered enough to not know any better and the name did not phase him, at least on the surface. Well, he would learn sooner or later.

“See you around, dude. Join us for pizza later at Eight-B?” He slugged her in the arm.

She forced a smile and slugged him back. This was such an easy role to play. She fit in with the guys so well, acting like she was one of them. Just another white trash boy in a big city looking to fulfill another stupid dream.

If they knew what she was _really_ like...the person she hid from them so perfectly…

“Yeah, maybe.” She shrugged.

“Oh and Rian? There’s gonna be booze. You can bring some if you’re not a pussy,” he laughed.

Her well-practiced self control helped her not to wince at that. But it still stung, as always. _Fuck_ , she hated hearing that word.

“Whatever, man.” She shrugged again and ducked back in her dorm. Her stomach growled, but she only had a few quarters left and needed to save them for the vending machine for dinner. There was one right outside the dorm and she had already claimed it as her own kitchen, since she had no means of cooking her own food.

Yeah, she knew what would happen if they found out what she was like. What she hid from them and pretended wasn’t real. She had heard enough of the stories. They were horrific, to say the least.

_You’re going to be fine. You made it to college, dammit...you’re going to be fine..._

 

~

 

Rey woke up to several text messages on her phone. It was the cheapest touchscreen model out there and could only hold a few extra apps and one game, if that. All of the texts were from Finn Dameron. She smiled a bit.

Still could not believe her luck that she met the guy.

She rolled over on her stomach, feeling a headache coming on. For a few seconds she forgot where she was but before a wave of panic crashed over her, yesterday’s memories kicked in. Even with how small her dorm was it felt big with how few belongings she had.

 

_“Hey buddy! How’s college life so far??“_

 

She fumbled to message him back.

 

_“Hungover. Ready for first day of classes.”_

 

Yes, she had stayed up eating pizza and taking shots with the guys down the hall. No, she did not give a shit. She even forced herself to make awful jokes about other girls that make her feel so sick afterwards. It was a language she understood all too well and hated herself for speaking with such fluency. But what other choice did she have, really? Being known as that one guy who wasn’t any fun to be around?

On second thought, maybe telling the man who was the very reason she got into college in the first place shouldn’t have been told she spent her first night drinking…

“Well, fuck. Oops,” she muttered, blaming her impulsive tendencies.

She met Finn when he took his car in for repairs one weekend earlier in the summer. Poor guy couldn’t even change a damn tire. While he was filling out paperwork in the office, they struck up a conversation because they had the same band shirt. Sadly it turned out Finn ‘borrowed’ the shirt from his husband, Poe, so he wasn’t actually a fan of Joan Jett. Nevertheless Rey ended up meeting with him a couple nights later at a bar. As it turned out, all Rey needed was a few strong drinks in her to make her a remotely attractive and interesting person, and they didn’t even check her fake ID. She hit it off with Finn after that. After she confessed she was new in town, he was determined to show her all the best hangout places. The bowling alley quickly became a mutual favorite of theirs. Finn eventually brought Poe with, a dashing gent who reminded Rey of herself in all the worst ways but a few of the best.

And one night she drank too much and possibly spilled her whole tragic backstory about how she had come to the city to enroll in Takodana University, but had come up just short of enough money to cover rent and other expenses, even with the student loans she was granted. Because the following week the couple brought her a check. Poor Finn had endured the barrage of questions and all they had told her was, “We want to help.” Like that meant shit to a Jakku.

She still did not fully understand why these guys had decided to help her out. Sure in the grand scheme it had not been a whole lot of money, but still. Did they pity her? Did they honestly think she could graduate and make a good career out of her life? Or was she really that much of a sad charity case?

Yet she couldn’t say No, no matter how embarrassed she was. Going to college had been a far-off dream for too long. Now here she was, owing her only two friends in the city her everything.

Finn texted back a moment later.

 

_“Haha well try to stay out of trouble but don’t forget to have fun. Enjoy your first day!”_

 

After a quick text back acknowledging his positive words, Rey hopped in the shower. It took a few tries to scrub last night’s events off her skin. She had the same bar of soap she had taken with her on her trip from southern Arkansas all the way up to northern Oregon to start a new life here. Sadly the bar was on its last legs. She scrubbed her armpits mostly, hoping to alleviate the body odor that accumulated there.

By 11:00 AM she had scurried into her first class of her first day of her first year of college. Her notebook and pen and pencil were in hand. For a fleeting moment it felt like there was nothing she couldn’t do.

Then the professor started in with introductions and an outline of the semester and she felt her bones turn to Jell-O.

It was going to be a long year. But she had to stay positive.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Rey’s head was killing her after a long day of classes. On top of that, she was dizzy with hunger. One professor after another today had done more than enough to help her realize just how unprepared she really was for college. Here she thought high school had been rough.

Back then, her teachers had all been surprised to see how good her grades were. Geometry, Physics, and Chemistry were her best subjects, but any math or science could be thrown at her, as long as there were no disruptions in class. During the school year it would be hard for her to always focus and put up with the bullying from other kids. She’d been the so-called ‘bad boy’ who got caught smoking in the bathroom as early as sixth grade. But on test days, she threw them for a whirlwind by always getting near perfect scores.

That carried her far. She may have just been a worthless Jakku kid, but she was smart as hell.

By the first semester of sophomore year Rey had figured out that if she wanted to get out of this hellhole of a town and have a shot at an actual future, she would need to work her ass off at school. That was the semester she started stealing from gas stations and grocery stores for extra food. Incredible how much easier studying was on a full stomach. She spent every waking hour reading and practicing her equations and problems, or hiding in the library for hours on end to read some more. Her grades soared that year. And it got even better junior and senior year. All those long nights and endless migraines were worth the looks on all the faces of the people who said she wouldn’t make it. Especially the school counselor. She practically waved her diploma in his face.

College, however...this was on a whole other level.

The confidence she brought with her from Arkansas had already begun to wear thin by the end of her first day. Here, no one gave a shit that she was the trailer park trash who ended up in the top twenty for her high school graduation class. No one cared that she came from nothing and pulled herself together without some mentor or group of friends by her side. Here, it was like none of that mattered.

She had come so far and now she had to start all over again.

No. She couldn’t have a breakdown on the first day. That was not allowed.

Her backpack ached with the workbooks she had to carry around. Even after lunch in the cafeteria she was starved. Maybe she needed to give herself a small treat to reward herself for surviving Day One.

Before Rey could change her mind she pulled out her phone and texted Finn..

 

_ “Hey do you know of any good places close by to get a treat? Like a coffee shop or something?” _

 

Rey hated regular coffee, always had. Iced tea, smoothies, and frappes were more her taste. But this was Oregon, for fuck’s sake. They had to have a good variety here. Luckily Finn texted her back quickly.

 

_ “Corner of 15th and Main. Locally owned. Real cozy place.” _

 

She texted back a couple thumbs-up emojis. Her phone told her the coffee shop was only a block away from campus. A walk would help clear her head too.

When she got in her beat-up car, all her savings from odd jobs (yes, and some stealing and selling cigarettes to classmates) in three thick envelopes in her backpack, she had no way to know where she was going. She just searched for good colleges online for engineering degrees, something that had always struck her curiosity, then picked the one farthest away from her hometown. Which happened to be of course, Takodana University. She drove up to Oregon with no way of preparing for the change in climate. Consequently, as Rey walked away from campus and onto the city sidewalk, she shivered and hugged herself. Her blood was definitely too thin for this shit.

But fucking Antarctica would be better than her old home. That much she knew for sure.

The walk did help clear her head, even if it left her half frozen by the time she stepped in the coffee shop. She took a moment to glance around at her surroundings. It was small, with industrial decor and a high ceiling. The furniture, mismatched and spread out separate from the tables, looked cozy and inviting, and the rich smell of fresh coffee grounds filled the air. A soft alternative song played on the speakers. Behind the counter was a large blackboard with a handwritten menu. She glanced at it as she approached the counter. The barista working there had to be the tallest guy she had ever seen.

“Can I get a…” The sentence never finished. Would her real drink of preference seem too girly? Guys always made fun of those drinks. Maybe she should just suck it up and try their disgusting, bitter, black hot coffee.

“Yes?” The barista was looking at her, waiting for her to finish, but nothing about him seemed impatient. He had a simple black sweater and dark hair combed back to outline his face. Tiny glimpses of a tattoo could be seen near his collarbone. Rey glanced at him and their eyes met.

_ Hello, hottie,  _ she thought. He had to be around six and a half feet tall.

“Um...small black coffee. Please,” she finally said, then kicked herself.  _ You idiot, you HATE black coffee. The fuck is wrong with you? _

“Sure. Dollar sixty-eight, please,” he said.

“Aw, so close.” Rey wondered why she was making such dumb jokes today. Nevertheless she saw the barista fight back a small smile as he fixed her coffee. As she watched him she could not help but notice the University logo on a metal plate hanging on the wall. “Lots of college students come here?” she asked.

“Some. Some of us work here.” His voice was quiet, almost like he was shy, although his body posture indicated anything but shyness..

“You go there too?” She held up the back of her student ID displaying the same logo as he brought over her coffee and smiled. “I just started.”

He blinked at her, as if he had trouble comprehending her enthusiasm. Guys gave her that look a  _ lot _ , so it was nothing new to her.

“It’s my last year,” he said simply.

“Shit. I need a study partner.” It came out sounding like a joke but in reality she knew she’d need one, and fast. She sipped her coffee and...yep. It tasted just as nasty as she remembered. She dumped about four spoonfuls of sugar into it but that did about as much good as frosting on fresh cow dung would. But she had paid for it so she had to choke it down.

The hot barista didn’t comment. And she had the feeling he hadn’t walked away only because the coffee shop seemed very slow. Only two other folks were here and they kept to themselves in the back corner, looking like they might as well own those chairs.

“I’m sure you’ll find one. What’s your major?” the barista asked.

“Mechanical Engineering,” she answered with a small swell of pride. “You?”

“Literature and Creative Writing.”

It’s always the hot ones who end up as nerds. Tragic. She looked him over again and the only telltale sign of being a writer were the slight dark circles under his eyes. And she had to admit, it felt good to run into a guy considerably taller than her. It was almost a relief.

A new customer walked in, cutting off their brief interaction. The barista quickly finished wiping down the counter.

“Well, good luck,” he said to her.

“Thanks, man.” She shuffled away and settled on a spot on the far end of a flower pattern couch, still beating herself up inside for ordering black coffee. Once seated, she rolled her backpack off her shoulders and pulled out her first textbook. And while forcing herself to gulp down the horrible beverage, she began to read.

It brought her back, for a few moments, to nights spent staying up late in her room or hiding in the public library with an armload of books. It took years for the librarians to figure out she wasn’t there to steal, only to learn. To be fair, they weren’t unfair in their assumption...but Rey never stole books. She could spend entire weekends just studying, fighting to be the best in her class, fighting for a chance to escape and be her own person.

Two hours went by in the coffee shop which she did not even realize until she looked up from her book and saw it was just her and the barista there. Everyone else had left and he was currently sweeping the floor. Outside it had already grown dark.

“Shit, my bad. I didn’t realize I stayed that long.” She fumbled to shove all her books back in her backpack. Her brain hurt from so much studying.

“No worries. We don’t close for another ten minutes,” he said, back turned to her.

She hurried out the door, embarrassed and flushing all the same as she hurried back to her dorm.

 

~

 

Rey spent the whole weekend picking up overtime hours at the auto repair shop. At the end of her shift she took her own car in to do some more work on it. The poor thing only held together by the grace of all her self-taught skills in mechanics. Most of the car’s original parts were long gone.

On Sunday night, Finn and Poe invited her out for drinks. She ordered a cheap beer, paying with quarters as usual. Poe beat them both in a round of darts, but Rey bested them at pool. As the night wore on they relaxed in a corner booth and drank some more.

“So, let’s hear it. How’s the college boy doing?” Finn asked with a teasing grin.

Rey hit him on the arm.

“It’s tough. Overwhelming. Worth it, though.” Her hands wrung in front of her.  _ They’ll understand. They won’t push you away. They’re a married gay couple, for fuck’s sake. If anyone’s going to accept you it’s going to be them. So why can’t you just tell them? _

“It won’t feel that like forever. Trust me on that one, Rian,” said Poe. “College was hell for me the first year but I’m glad I stuck through it. And a pretty boy like you won’t have to worry about staying single for long.” Poe winked at her.

“Dude, your boyfriend is right there.” Rey smirked.

“I know that.”

“Oh, he knows. He has to flirt with all the cute guys.” Finn rolled his eyes. “Clearly I’m not good enough for him. That’s what I get for marrying a slut.”

“See what I’m doing? I’m making him jealous on purpose so he has to prove how much he loves me by doing crazy, unspeakable things to me in the bedroom. It’s the best way to get the best out of him.” Poe made finger guns at Finn who was trying so hard not to laugh.

“If you want kinky sex why don’t you just, you know, ask?” Rey asked, frowning.

“Because this is just way more fun,” Poe laughed and tossed back his cocktail.

Rey sipped at her beer, watching them. They were the perfect couple, she thought. So fucking perfect that it made her giddy and cranky at the same time. Giddy that these two guys could be open about their love without any shame. Cranky that no one had ever looked at her the way they looked at each other, and probably never would. Even their fucking apartment had the gay pride flag decorations. They were so  _ vocal  _ about it, and so free.

What must that feel like? Being your true self and everyone knowing who you really are.

_ I should just tell them already… _

“Oh guys? There’s something I should let you know…” she started in with. They turned to her both with open looks in their eyes, with no idea of the heavy weight she was about to release. But the words got stuck in her throat, and instead silence fell over their little table.

“Yeah, Rian? What is it?” Finn asked.

“It’s, uh…”

Half of her screamed to just say the words. To finally say that she was not Rian, she was  _ Rey _ . That she been secretly living as Rey for almost ten years, and the kids at school called her a faggot for being different, and she had memories of her biological parents beating her because she said she wanted to be a princess for Halloween. That she had finally found answers to the pain and misery but had no idea how to show herself to the world.

The words never came out. Like herself, they were hidden in too deep.

“Just...thanks. For everything. For the money and being my friend and helping me adjust here.” She couldn’t look either of them in the eye.

“Of course. Anytime,” Poe said, and the genuine warmth and kindness in his voice made her want to burst into tears.

“Stop being so cheesy. You’ll win him over and I’m not sharing.” Finn grabbed Poe by the arm and smiled.

“Then hold onto the guy a little tighter,” Rey laughed with him. Inside all she could do was push down the hurt and tell herself she would say something next time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Some brief implications of CSA and child abuse. Description of homophobic violence. Some misgendering/deadnaming of Rey from another character's POV.

Rey went back to the coffee shop after classes the next day. Once again, her backpack was heavy with books and study notes but this time she also brought her laptop along to pull up some files the professor sent the class. She was also starting to figure out how many resources one could find online to help with studying. Last night she stayed up making folders full of bookmarks of other places she could read up at. And for good measure, she threw in some bookmarks to online gaming sites, as a reward for herself after study time.

Sadly, the hot barista didn’t take her order that day and was cleaning up the back while a different worker took her order of disgusting black coffee again. But a couple days later, she got lucky and saw him at the front again. Today he was wearing a black tank top and she got to see a lot of his tattoos on his chest and arms. 

Rey forced herself not to ask his name or his classes, not wanting to come off as a some creep. But she did order a nice frappe today, having worked up the courage on the way here. He smiled a bit as he topped it with lots of whipped cream.

“Is something funny?” Rey asked with a frown.

“Nothing. Just glad to see you ordering something you like today,” he said as he handed her the iced beverage. Their fingers brushed a bit.

“What?”

He looked down, as if ashamed he had said anything.

“Not that it’s my business but you hated that black coffee and said nothing.”

She wasn’t sure if she should be flattered he remembered her, or if he just remembered all the customers who walked in. Or maybe she was a memorable person after all?

“Well, I didn’t want to be rude.” She adjusted her backpack’s weight to her other shoulder.

He pursed his lips and made a small humming sound in thought before getting back to work. Her eyes lingered on his tall figure and his back muscles for a bit. He had a tattoo on his upper right shoulder that sprawled onto his upper back as well as his bicep; it was a big tapestry of various mythical animals, all shaded in black and grey aside from a few bits of red. Farther down his right arm he had an interesting symbol, a name she couldn’t read, and two year dates, along with a red inverted cross. His left arm was decorated with a handful of small to medium size tattoos such as a pine tree, a shattered anatomically accurate heart, a few black roses, and the Virgin Mary with a broken halo and bloody eyes, among others with similar themes. All of them seemed so macabre and gothic and didn’t seem to fit his personality,or at least what she had seen of it so far. All she had was a stick-n-poke tattoo on the back of her neck of a daisy. And around his neck she noticed a black necklace.

She went back to the sofa in the back of the shop and got to work studying. Of course, just her luck, she had come in during the slow period, and there was just two other customers having drinks and bagels. The music in the background had shifted to a soft 1970s rock theme and she mouthed the lyrics to herself as she got out her books. The barista suddenly spoke, startling her nearly out of her seat.

“How’s your first week going?”

“Uh...fine?” She wasn’t sure why he had even asked. “I guess.” She started up her laptop. The poor thing was missing a few keys so she had to pull up a digital keyboard on the screen for any ‘R’s, ‘L’s, ‘O’s, and ‘Y’s.

“It’s a real good school. Thought about joining one of the clubs?”

“No, not really. Mostly thinking about keeping my head above water.” She slurped at her frappe. Fuck, it was tasty. “What kind of clubs do they have, anyway?” Rey tried to turn a bit to face him better while she was typing out the outline for her paper.

“A lot.” He was cleaning the espresso machine, eyes on his work. His arm muscles bulged when he began to scrub with effort. “Depends on what you like, what you’re interested in. Something for everyone.”

“Well then give me some examples?”

“I’m president of one of them, actually. Not to self-promote or anything.”

“No shit. What is it?” she dared ask. She expected him to say he led a book review club where they only read ‘intellectual’ novels, or maybe a tattoo club, if those were a thing?

“LGBT-plus community,” he said briefly.

Rey frowned and sat up a little straighter. Now she found herself trying to figure out which of those he was, if any. He might be gay. Or was he just a supporter? She found herself staring at him; inside she knew how rude that was considering what he just told her, but she couldn’t help herself. The barista finally looked up from his work once he realized she had not said anything since this small revelation.

“Uh huh…” was all she could say. “So you’re gay or something?”

He gave her a slight smile. The smile that indicated Rey had asked a question he had been waiting for. Which made her feel embarrassed all of a sudden. She had probably said the wrong thing already.

“Actually, I’m transgender. Oh and my name’s Ben, by the way.”

Rey felt her mouth turn dry. Her eyes darted up and down his body. All the while beating herself up inside for being so crude as to search for some indication, some  _ sign  _ that might have given away that he wasn’t cisgender. But no matter how much she scanned him she was just coming up short. He seemed so…no, normal was not the word she was looking for. Not at all. Whatever the word was, he looked it.

_ Wow, Rey, stop being so invasive. _

It was the first time she had heard the word spoken aloud by somebody. Back in her hometown in rural Arkansas, words like that had been hidden well from the children. And if they might come across it, they always heard one of the ugly slurs instead with no explanation of what it all meant. When she was nine, Rey remembered hearing the story of two boys from her school who got the shit beaten out of them and were duct taped to the football goal posts upside down all night because someone caught them making out. The story spread around as a big joke and last she heard, one boy was expelled and another was shipped to a conversion camp by his parents. And that was the only exposure she got until she landed upon some resources in the public library, then later on the school computers. Needless to say, Rey never dared say those words aloud. It was bad enough when the kids started bullying her. If any of them found out she was one of those ‘forbidden’ words...she got chills thinking of the horror she had narrowly avoided. Thank fuck high school was over. When she met Finn and Poe she got to learn even more about the community and what words like ‘bear’ meant to gay men. But even then, years of having to hide out of fear could not be unlearned overnight.

And now here was this giant tattooed barista just saying it as easy as if she had asked his favorite ice cream flavor. It felt like a kick to the stomach, making her dizzy and out of place. What kind of world did he live in where you could just  _ say  _ something like that to a complete stranger?

Now she sensed the barista--Ben--was growing as awkward as her. He had just come out to her and she replied it with probably the dumbest looking stare of her life.

“Wow. I never…” She swallowed. “I never would have guessed...and, uh...I mean that as a big compliment of course. You look like a...you know…”

Ben’s eyes lit up a bit. The words came out even worse than they sounded in her head. But either he could really, really understand what she meant, or he had gotten used to hearing that a lot. A small smile formed on his soft lips.

“Well, thank you. I do my best.” And just like that he went back to scrubbing at the espresso machine. “Anyway, that’s just one of many clubs you can join. Whatever piques your interest.”

Rey dried her palms on her ratty jeans and cleared her throat. Her words fumbled in her mouth.

“Sure. I mean...I could check it out. I’m...I have a couple gay friends so I’m kind of curious, you know?”

“That’s fine. We meet in Naberrie Hall every Friday night at seven-thirty PM. Bring a snack if you want.”

“Cool. Maybe I’ll come sometime.” She rushed back to her frappe and computer. This paper would not write itself and she needed to focus, damn it. Even so, now and then she would steal glances at him, her heart and head aching to barrage him with questions. But that would be rude and she had already been rude enough for today. All of it would have to wait.

Fortunately it was not long after that conversation that a group of kids came in for drinks and Ben got busy again. Rey left once her paper’s first draft was finished. That night she continued to text Finn about her encounter only to delete it before she sent it. When it was late at night she finally decided she could not ask her friends for advice. If she was going to go to Ben’s LGBT club, that was a decision she would have to make all on her own.

That night, Rey had nightmares about the two boys tortured for their love. Nightmares about her biological father dragging her down the hall by her arm, his breath stinking of gin and cheap beer, dislocating her shoulder in the process. They only took her to the hospital when she wouldn’t stop screaming. She dreamed of her biological mother laughing at her when she wet the bed again and forced Rey to sleep in the same sheets without washing them to teach her a lesson. She dreamed of all of her parents’ friends coming over in the middle of the night, laughing and drinking and fucking, and the times when one of them would come into her bedroom and ask if she could keep a secret.

And then she dreamed about the night red and blue flashing lights filled her dark little world, coloring all the stained walls and piles of empty bottles and cans, and a woman in dark blue clothes wrapped her in a blanket and carried her outside, and it was the first night in her life someone tucked her into bed to sleep.

Rey woke up screaming bloody murder and punching the wall. Cursing her last name and feeling like an equally bad person for the things she’d do to them if they weren’t still locked away.

 

~

 

Ben Organa watched the new Takodana student shuffle out of the coffee shop yet again. He still didn’t know Rian’s last name, only of Rian’s major and a couple of his classes. As always the look of pure surprise when he said he was transgender never ceased to amuse Ben. True, he had been lucky that his parents gave him hormone blockers as a kid and he had his dad’s genes making him extra tall, but still...everyone always seemed so surprised. Not that that was a bad thing--a great thing, actually. He just got a kick out it every damn time.

The kid had an accent definitely indicating origins far away from Oregon. And his clothes seemed worn and cheap, so he couldn’t be from a rich family. Oh, and he loved frappuccinos but didn’t want everyone to know that and tried to choke down black coffee instead, for some reason. Other than that, Rian was a complete mystery. They had met a few times now but unfortunately Ben was on the clock each time so they couldn’t strike up much conversation.

But Ben wanted to. He wanted to talk to this cute, peculiar guy more.

Once the coffee shop slowed down again, Ben pulled out the small notebook he carried around all the time, just in case he got ideas for writing out and about. He grabbed his favorite black pen and flipped to a new blank page, tapping on it in thought. There were words on the tips of his fingers he just had to get out somehow, but they couldn’t take form in his head. Maybe he could try doodling a new tattoo idea instead. He was no professional artist by all means but back in his off-campus apartment he was working on an idea--a butterfly with demonic wings breaking out of a stringy, bloody cocoon.

Something about Rian seemed...different. Ben couldn’t put his finger on it. He just sensed there was a whole other level to the kid that maybe Rian himself wasn’t aware of it.

But Ben saw something in the way Rian talked too fast, constantly pulled at his clothes, shuffled around and tried not to draw attention to himself. It was like watching someone pretend they weren’t covered in bug bites, or having to wear a costume they despised. The way someone like that seemed so dissatisfied in their body and the way others perceived them…it was all too familiar.

But maybe Ben was wrong. He could be reading into it too deep. And it wasn’t fair to make assumptions so large of a person he hardly knew. But still, he could not help but wonder.

 

 _“Poem #123 [Untitled] - by Kylo Ren,”_ he finally wrote.

 

_ “ _ _ I see the island inside you _

_ Just like mine _

_ It’s cold and violent _

_ Are you as afraid as I am?” _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: more misgendering/deadnaming, and a scene involving masturbation.

It wasn’t until Rey had been at Takodana University for a month that she finally worked up the courage to go to Ben’s LGBT+ Club.

She kept making up excuses. Which wasn’t hard. She had lots of studying to do. She needed to pick up extra hours at the auto repair shop to afford groceries for the week--and  _ yes, frappes and iced teas count as groceries _ , Rey would snap at Poe when he saw all the ramen packets and boxes of crackers in her dorm. Or the professors gave the classes a shit ton of homework. All excuses that could not be argued by a fellow college student.

And now Poe was telling her to actually cook for herself, which Rey had never done in her life. That guy was crazy. He was becoming the big brother she never had and could have used a long time ago.l

But every time she went to get her usual iced beverage at the coffee shop, she got to see Ben again. It was not often she happened to go there when he wasn’t working and it seemed that on his days off she was too busy at her own job to go there anyway. He never asked, but she could feel the unasked question between them, souring up the air and making their few interactions more difficult than they had to be. Mostly she just took her order, and he asked how classes were going, and she would say they’re fine and she’ll try to make it to the club meeting sometime.

Finally she did. After lots of self debate and pacing around and muttering to herself, she caved in. Sooner or later she had to go anyway.

Rey stepped in Naberrie Hall, which was a small library and also a study place. The interior also had a separate location for artwork which Rey had admired during the tour on orientation day. The library had books of all kinds but mostly focused on historical documentation of various political families as well as other cultures and societies. Rey told herself to check out a book or two when her workload for school eased up a bit.

The club was meeting in one of the back rooms, in a corner where a large bay window provided a spectacular view of a wooded area on campus that had a brook running through it. The corner had several couches and lounging chairs, and a large coffee table that had cups of hot tea, a bowl of snacks, and a stack of papers and folders. Ben was sitting there, wearing a black hoodie, black beanie, and comfy-looking black pants and boots. About a dozen other students were around. What struck Rey was that none of them, at least appearance wise, seemed to have anything in common. Ben had the dark clothes and tattoos and was sitting next to him was a small Vietnamese girl wearing a flowery dress and carrying a small pastel pink satchel. Others had sports gear on. Another student had a sharp suit, two others had paint stains on their blouses and hands and glasses. One other student had tattoos but they were all colorful and sporting Disney cartoon characters. In fact it seemed all they had in common was being in this club together.

And that was whole point, wasn’t it? Rey realized. They all belonged in this community no matter what they looked like or what they did with their lives or what their other interests were. Maybe that meant she could fit in too.

The Vietnamese girl noticed her first and waved her over.

“Hey, Rian, right? You’re just in time!” she said with a big smile.

“Hey everyone.” Rey waved and took a seat across from Ben and the girl. Ben looked at her and nodded silently in greeting, then turned to the rest of the group.

“So I think almost everyone’s here. Looks like we have three new faces so let’s all introduce ourselves. Name, age, and anything else you want to share,” Ben said. He pulled his hoodie sleeves over his hands. “I’ll go first. I’m Ben Organa. I’m twenty-six and a pansexual transgender man. Working towards a Masters Degree in Creative Writing.”

Rey glanced at him, and he glanced at the Vietnamese girl next to him.

“I’ll go next. I’m Rose Tico. Twenty-two, social work major. Pansexual and a tad ace,” she said with the cutest goddamn smile Rey had ever seen in her life.

“Snap Wexley. Twenty-one. Genderfluid and came out only two months ago,” one of the fellows in sports gear said next.

“Kaydel Connix. Twenty-one. Lesbian,” the girl with Disney tattoos said. And so it went like that all the way around the circle. Rey of course was the last one to go.

“Hey, I’m Rian...Jakku.” She winced inwardly as she had to say her last name. “I’m nineteen and, well...I guess you could say I’m questioning. Curious. Open-minded?” She shrugged.  _ Dear gods please don’t let them say I can’t be here because of that… _

They all just nodded in understanding and a few smiles were exchanged.

“Good to have you here, Rian.” Rose sat up a bit. “Oh and I don’t want to come off as pushy or anything but if there’s any reading up you want to do, our club has made some pretty good booklets. Would you like a couple of them, maybe?”

“Sure. That would be fine.” She might read them, just to see how they worded it. But there was no need. Of course, in truth, Rey had moved past the questioning phase almost a decade ago.

Just like that, Rose grabbed a folder from the coffee table and handed it over to Rey. She took it and stuck it in her backpack.

“So the first thing, just to get this out of the way…” Ben started, “The Club Fair and Open House is in two weeks so we need volunteers to work at the booth. If we have three people working the booth at a time, we could split it up so none of us have long shifts. Last year our homemade snacks were a hit so we should get together to make them again. I was also thinking, our pamphlet about the story behind our club needs a rewrite since a lot has happened since we made it.” He pulled out his laptop and opened a few various documents Rey could see a bit from where she sat. Damn, he was organized. He had to be, she guessed, being president of a club in such a large college.

“Paige and Kaydel and me could get together the night before to make the cupcakes,” Rose said. “Maybe we can all chip in a bit for ingredients like last time too? Just about two, three bucks should be plenty.”

Rey clutched at her backpack but before she could say something cutting, Rose realized what she had said and quickly added,

“Oh, you new guys don’t have to worry about that! I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry…we don’t force members to give us money or anything.”

That made Rey perk up a bit and she couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s okay, Rose. I knew what you meant,” one of the other new kids said with a slight laugh.

Ben, meanwhile, had his eyes only on his laptop. He began chewing on his pencil.

“I was hoping today we could make a schedule for our shifts at the booth,” he said. “I can put myself in for a three-hour shift at the busiest part of the day. Anyone else?”

They all started chiming in and planning what times they would be at the booth. Rey just sat back and listened, knowing there was no way she could contribute to this part of the meeting. Instead she opted to relax and take it all in, evaluating all the kids around her. They all seemed nice enough. She might have seen a couple of them in her same classes. Part of her wanted to interrupt and just start asking a bunch of questions to all of them. But, patience. She had to stay cool. Besides, how would it look if she just appeared one day out of nowhere and screamed _ “HEY EVERYONE I’M A TRANS GIRL AND I REALLY NEED SUPPORT!” _

It took about twenty minutes for the planning to finish up. Rey was relieved when it ended, as she had been almost getting bored. Ben typed out the schedule, then closed his laptop.

“That being said...how is everyone doing? Anything new?” He pulled out a black necklace of an inverted cross and fiddled with it.

Snap Wexley held up his hand.

“I came out to my siblings on Sunday. Most of them seemed to take it well.”

“That’s great!” Rose beamed.

“Yeah...coming out to my parents will be a whole other matter and I’m putting that off until Thanksgiving break.”

“You’re going at your own pace. That’s a good thing, Snap.” Rose smiled at him.

“Thanks, Rose. It’s hard, but...I’m taking it one step at a time.”

Rey glanced away, not sure what to make of how the meeting was going, unsure how exactly she could contribute. She hoped desperately that they wouldn’t ask her any prodding questions or try to get her to open up more. But as the meeting went on she realized it was much more of an open discussion. A lot of time was spent not even on the topics of gender or sexuality, and the next thing Rey knew they were on the subject of favorite movie genres, and she wasn’t even sure how they ended up there. Now and then she chimed in a bit, offering a comment or a joke when appropriate. But just to be safe, Rey didn’t say too much otherwise. She didn’t want to accidentally say too much and suddenly be the focus of all the attention.

When it ended later that evening—basically by Ben glancing at his phone and saying “Oh shit we went over again. See you next week”—Rey tried to get up and leave quickly to avoid the notorious post-meeting small talk. Rose caught her before that could happen, just as they were heading down the hall.

“Hey Rian. So I know you said you’re sort of questioning and curious?”

“Yeah, why?” Rey looked down at her. She could not help but feel a twinge of envy at how cute and pretty Rose was. She had her hair pulled back with a headband that had a fake flower on it. Her flowery dress shaped her figure so well and her slip-on shoes completed the look. She looked a lot like how Rey wished she could...

“So no pressure at all, but...just so you know, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, you can totally ask me or Ben or anyone here anything. We could get lunch or something too.” She held her arms and adjusted her satchel a bit.

Rey smiled a little.

“That’d be cool with me. Not today, I got lots of homework to do.”

“Sure, sure! Like I said, no pressure. Do you want to, like, exchange phone numbers?”

Rey nodded and they swapped phones to text their numbers to themselves.

“Thanks, Rose. That’s real nice of you. Might have to follow you up on that here soon.”

“Sure thing. Like I said, we’re here for you. That’s a big reason Ben started this club when he was getting his Bachelor’s here. He wanted to make it a place where people could ask anything, learn who they are, and get the support and advice they need. There’s no wrong questions, either. Just so you know.”

Rey just nodded. The immediate acceptance felt overwhelming. Like it was all too much at once. And she was afraid of latching on, spilling way too much to these people she barely knew. Only for all of them to figure out she was too much of a mess to help out and backed off. She could see it now...she’d end up telling them all the details of her story and they would just ask _ “Well, if you really are transgender, why do you still live as Rian? Isn’t that hypocritical of you?”  _ And then she’d end up blowing up at them in one of her notorious anger spells in which all she saw was red and no one could calm her down, and that would be the end of it. And then Finn and Poe would hear about it and suddenly not want to help someone like that…

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She was getting ahead of herself.

_ Calm down, Rey. Don’t have a mental breakdown over something that hasn’t even happened yet. Get out of your own head. _

 

~

 

That night, Rey’s mind was filled with thoughts she had never imagined she would go to, ever. She kept seeing Ben, his large figure hunched over the counter as he made another cappuccino or maybe took a shot of espresso when he didn’t think anyone was watching. She saw his dark thick wavy locks of hair, his tattoos, his soft lips…

Fuck, why couldn’t she stop thinking about him? It was so fucking annoying.

She lay down on her bed and yanked off her shorts, along with the panties she only wore on days when she knew it was safe to without anyone seeing them. They were a really cute pair of hot pink she bought from Victoria’s Secret--and of course had told the sales associate and cashier that she was buying them for a girlfriend. The panties came off and she gripped her cock which was already semi hard. For the past year now or so she could never fall asleep without masturbating first. It was like a drug, a sleeping pill if you will. As she stroked herself she stared up at the ceiling, biting her bottom lip and curling her toes, Rey pulled her thoughts to as linear a path as she could. In all honesty she had gone to one of her favorite fantasies. And that was imagining some cute emo boy, probably some guy with his own band or something, between her legs as he massaged her breasts. She knew just how they looked in her mind--she had watched enough movies to have a few favorite actress’ tits in mind and sometimes she favored one over another. And the boy was lying on top of her, crushing her tiny, delicate frame with the weight of all his muscles. She stroked herself faster, seeing herself with small shoulders and hands, so tiny she almost looked like a doll that could be crushed if handled too roughly, in the arms of a large man who put her completely at his mercy. Rey moaned and arched her back and shut her eyes tight, trying to keep the picture crisp and clear in her mind, until she moaned between her pursed lips and came hard all over her hand. She grabbed at the tissues on her bedside then wiped herself clean before passing out in bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW warnings: Brief masturbation scene, alcohol use, and some misgendering.

“ _Rian_. I need to talk to you for a minute,” Professor Skywalker said before she could shuffle away.

Rey took a deep breath and turned around in the doorway, expecting the worst. This professor had to be one of the most stubborn she had ever met. She thought for sure General Ed classes would be easy, but this guy had to make it her biggest headache of the semester yet.

“Sure...what’s up?” She grabbed a chair and sat down.

It had been a week since Rey attended the LGBT+ club’s meeting. Rose sent her a couple texts just to check up and ask if she wanted to meet up for lunch somewhere, complete with a bunch of smiley face emojis. Rey would just text back saying she was busy but she was still open to it.

At least that much wasn’t a lie. She did want to talk to one of them, just to tell someone who she really was and how long she had known. But every time Rose said she had an afternoon open, something in Rey froze up and put its guard up and couldn’t move from terror. As if despite all logic, none of them would believe her.

Professor Skywalker pulled up the leather-seated stool he sat on sometimes during his lectures. He did not look like most of the other college professors Rey knew. He kept his gray hair long and shaggy, with a slightly unkempt beard. He always had a purple hue under his eyes indicative of exhaustion. His clothing consisted of outdated cardigans, jackets, and khakis, like he had stopped keeping up with society for the past fifteen years. As for his desk, aside from clutters of books and papers, he had a few odd objects, such as ancient yellowed parchment framed in a glass case, and a wooden figurine of a strange-looking bird.

“I know what you’re going to say…my attendance has been--”

“You’ve barely been showing up at all.” He crossed his arms. “Now I don’t make attendance mandatory. You know that. But if you want a shot at _not_ failing, it wouldn’t kill you to be here now and then,” he said dryly.

Rey looked down at her hands, full of calloused and old scars, a ring of black constantly around and underneath her fingernails from her job at the auto repair shop. Her hoodie--her only one, mind you--smelled real bad, as she didn’t have extra change to do laundry and literally needed it all the time to keep warm.

She didn’t hate Professor Skywalker’s Humanities class, even if it was just one of her General Eds. In fact, she kind of liked it. It had good material in it. But between other classes and trying to work full time just to afford rent and food, it happened to be one of the courses that slipped through the cracks.

When she didn’t say anything for a solid thirty seconds, Professor Skywalker sighed and adjusted his round wire-framed glasses.

“So what are you going to do, Rian? Are you going to drop out or start being here and turning in your assignments?”

“Sir! I mean, Mr. Sky--”

“Oh, fuck. Call me Luke, please,” he said, as if being called ‘sir’ made him shudder.

 _I can relate,_ Rey thought absently.

“Sorry, S---Luke. I’m gonna have to be straight with you. I’m struggling.” She bit her lip, hating to show weakness to this man.

Luke’s eyes narrowed a bit. Nothing indicated surprise, much less sympathy.

“It’s been hard. I’m trying, I really am. I don’t want to fail this class.”

“Have you talked to the admission and counseling office? They might be able to help you sort things out.”

“But if you--”

“I’m not your uncle, Rey. And I’m not a friend. I’m your teacher. If you need help getting through the semester, those are the people you’ll go to.” Luke stood up and brushed off his pants. He grabbed a few books off his desk, sighing deeply. “I don’t want you to fail but you need to make a change.”

She glared at him before she took off, and wondered how and why someone could be such a hard ass. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve and nearly gagged from the reek. Maybe if she walked by the wishing well downtown near the coffee shop she could steal enough quarters to do her laundry...

Still a little pissed at how her conversation with Luke went, Rey stomped back to her dorm and tried to study and get some assignments done. Before her shift at work tomorrow morning starting at 6:00 AM, she had to read four chapters, write two papers, and post a few entries in the class online portal. But it was too quiet in the little dorm, and the air too stuffy. She did not have enough phone data to play music, either.

As luck would have it, her brain preferred the setting of the coffee house. The rich smells, the white noises of music and background chatter, the comfy sofas. And caffeine helped. If she didn’t go there she would never get her work done.

She pushed down her embarrassment about the smelly hoodie, and headed to the coffee shop. Her backpack felt even heavier today with all the textbooks she needed to read. When she got there she winced inside for two reasons. One, Ben was working the counter. And two, he was talking to Rose Tico.

 _Ugh...maybe there’s another coffee shop I can go to._ She could not deal with this today.

Of course, Rose saw her before she could leave yet again. Rey forced a smile as the girl approached her. Today Rose was wearing a pretty purple blouse over a white dress, her hair lying over her shoulders and man, she looked good. Almost as good as the tall, quiet barista with dark locks hiding his eyes as he chewed on a toothpick.

“Hey, Rian! How are you doing?” Rose approached and her nose visibly curled at the smell of Rey’s hoodie as she got closer.

“I’m...okay.” She sighed. “Well, I’m hanging in there. Sorry I’ve been so busy lately…”

“No, no, it’s okay. Anytime you want to meet up just let me know but it’s no rush, okay?” She pulled out her phone to check the time. “Annnd now I gotta get going. Text me sometime, okay?”

“Okay…” Rey’s word was cut off as Rose rushed back to the counter and...

And she leaned up on her tiptoes, and Ben leaned down as far as he could, until their lips could meet quickly. Rose smiled and whispered something to him before she took off.

Rey watched her go, a little stunned. Did they just…?  
“Rose is my girlfriend,” Ben said bluntly.

“Duh, I figured.” Rey hurried to the counter and made her order, avoiding eye contact. The customer behind Rey made a gagging sound.

“Christ, dude. Wash your damn hoodie,” the customer snapped, pinching her nose.

“Working on it,” Rey said coldly, but she still felt embarrassed. Feeling like she was stinking up the whole place. Gods, she needed more ways to keep warm...

Ben shot the customer a small glare but made no comment. He just started making Rey’s drink. There went the gift card Finn and Poe got her when they heard how much she loved the coffee shop. While she waited she tapped on the counter, still debating how many coins must be in that wishing well.

She grabbed her frappe with the extra espresso shot Ben added for her at no charge, which he claimed to do for all fellow Takodana students, and for now Rey still believed that. And as she sat down to get to studying she felt an ache in her chest, and had no idea where it came from or why it was there. But the image of Ben locking lips with Rose wouldn’t leave her mind. Even as she pored through her textbooks and forced herself to type out a rough draft. That image just got stronger and stronger.

It wasn’t until Rey lay in her bed late that night, stroking her cock furiously trying to get hard, that it came to her. They were the perfect image. Rose had everything she wanted. The cute feminine face and body, the smooth high-pitched voice, and now she had the hot trans guy. Bet having a transgender boyfriend on top of everything meant he understood you in ways other guys wouldn’t. And Rey had no reason to hate Rose...in fact Rose had been nothing but kind to her and could probably end up being one of the first people she ended up coming out to. She couldn’t hate Rose for things that weren’t Rose’s fault. But Rey wanted to. She wanted to be angry and jealous. Because dammit, did _any_ of those girls with the perfect boyfriend have _any fucking idea_ how fucking lucky they were?

 _Well they’d fucking better,_ Rey thought, biting her lip as tears rushed to her eyes.

 

~

 

Luckily for Rey, she had a job that provided a good escape from the rest of the world.

If she had come to Oregon and ended up doing another retail or fast food job, she would probably blow her brains out. In high school she worked at the only Burger King within a radius of a hundred miles and she hated every minute of it. Sure, the auto repair shop didn’t pay her as much as she deserved for how good she was at fixing cars compared to her coworkers. And sure the hours were long. But she genuinely enjoyed it. The paychecks kept her afloat, if only just barely above the surface, and the job would always be a foot in the door for something better. So Rey could at least be grateful for how much worse it could be.

It felt good to watch the vehicles wheel in, all broken and aching for help, and then watch them leave put back together again. Felt like a reminder that even the cars in the worst condition weren’t beyond fixing.

The auto repair shop was small, locally owned, and had been there a long time. The walls were chipped, the doors on the brink of falling off, and an old fridge stood in the front lobby that hadn’t worked in years, and the chairs were mismatched and the whole place smelled of rust and cigarettes. Rey loved it.

She was currently elbows deep in her latest project, face covered in filth and engine oil and her back killing her from the awkward angle she had to work at. The shop owner had given the job to her specifically, knowing he could trust her with it. Her brain ached from studying and this was all she needed.

When she worked, her mind could simultaneously focus and wander. She could work on her latest project until she was too exhausted to think about how other people looked at her and her own body odor and the way her clothes fell over her shoulders. All she had to worry about was the technicalities of her job and not making her coworkers feel too dumb.

As long as they didn’t find out she was a transgender foster kid from Arkansas, she would be okay.

Rey winced, feeling a bolt scrape against her fingernail and tear it. The warmth of a few drops of blood ran between her fingers. The pain felt good. Alerted her body. Kept her in the here and now. Distracted her from the rest of the world that screamed so loud and strong sometimes that it made her sick. Ironic that in the place where she depended on her paycheck was also the place she felt safest. And she let her feelings escape away as she reached for the next tool. In the background an old rock ballad played. Good for her, the shop owner had similar taste in music as her although she wouldn’t mind if he played some good punk or pop now and then. Female singers seemed to dig her deeper, even when they were real fucking cheesy. But no ‘real man’ listened to that sort of thing…

Hours later, Rey couldn’t feel the tips of her fingers. But the boss had mentioned her by name to the customers whose cars she fixed, and that was enough. It made her day. Now all she had to do was survive going back to campus and undressing. She stood up and headed to the bathroom and scrubbed as much grease off herself as she could. The water hit like ice, the sound of her coworkers sharing a joke wafting from right outside the old dingy door.

“Rian! Want to come have a drink with us?” one of her coworkers asked as he signed off on the sheet at the front desk.

Rey thought about what she had to do that night. Go back to her dorm, do some homework, shower, then jack off and pass out. Maybe it would all be a little better with some alcohol in her.

Fuck it. It sounded like fun.

“Count me in.” She threw her work cap at them.

She went with them to the bar, fake ID and all. And she ordered a drink she hated because, typical Rey Jakku, she never ate or drank anything she liked because _fuck_ , what if she ordered something with too much fucking fruit and they called her a faggot just liked the kids did at school. And she hated being so obsessed about it, so obsessed about a goddamn secret, but what else could she do? And she watched her coworkers, her so-called ‘friends,’ hit on girls and talk about them in ways that Rey hated--not because of how awful it was, but because a little part of her actually _wanted_ a man to talk about her that way. Just the thought of her minding her own business and some stranger unable to keep his eyes off her ass and tits…talking about her like she was a whore....

_Fuck, what’s the matter with you? You’re just as bad as these guys._

“Want to do shots, Rian?” Someone nudged her in the side. And she did not have the self control to say No.

Rey remembered little of the rest of the night. She just knew that when she got back to her dorm she grabbed her razor and stared at it for a long time before stripping and hopping in the tub and getting to work on the hairy mess covering her legs. Too drunk to think about the next day she would wear shorts or want to go swimming. Too drunk to think about how much her legs would itch the next day because she didn’t use water and shaving cream beforehand. All she knew was she looked down at her legs and thought, _‘This shit has got to go.’_

When it was all said and done, and she was staring down at all the clumps of curly dark hair all over the small bathtub and her poor clogged up razor. And just because she was still drunk enough she reached up and shaved her armpits too.

Of course she would regret it all in the morning but that wasn’t for a few hours. Right now she could enjoy herself. And stare at her legs and think about what a man across the room might say about them if he were staring.

When she pulled up her phone at first light and saw Rose’s number, she texted back before she knew better.

* * *

  


_“Poem #124 [Untitled] - by Kylo Ren”_

 

_“I wish he hadn’t_

_I wish I said something...anything at all--_

_Don’t you dare say ‘I’m sorry’_

_Cold fingers of childhood_

_Enfolding over crayons of black and blue_

_Hearts fragile as paper airplanes_

_Losing me after the dark_

_Pretty little thing_

_Monster. Monster. Monster? Monster...MONSTER...”_


	6. Chapter 6

Two weeks before holiday break, Rey finally met with Ben and Rose. They decided on a local deli that served soups, salads, and sandwiches, and had a lovely view of the downtown area. It was a nice place to find a secluded table and talk about personal matters without the worry of someone eavesdropping. Or so Rose confirmed via text messages.

Rey arrived, wearing what she currently felt was her most ‘feminine’ shirt that didn’t simultaneously give her away to the public. It had been purchased in the mens’ section of the store, but it was salmon pink, and it hugged her sides in a certain way that made her feel sexy in the mirror if she squinted her eyes just enough. Her hair was starting to reach the top of her ears and she worried she’d need a haircut soon or people might notice and get the wrong idea.

The couple had just found a table in the back. As always, Ben wore all black and Rose wore a cute dress. They could have not have looked more different, especially with Ben being so tall and muscular, with a large face and honey-colored eyes that never seemed to stop scanning and detecting, while Rose was so petite she would disappear in a crowd were it not for all the bright colors in her outfit and her small but cheery face. Her hand was on Ben’s, playing with his fingers while she sipped from a glass of iced tea. Rey clenched her jaw as she walked in. As soon as Rose spotted her she waved Rey over.

“Good seeing you again. How have you been?” Rose asked.

“Busy,” Rey laughed. “And you guys?”

“Busy too,” said Ben. He was looking at Rey as he worked on folding a straw wrapper into as tiny a square as possible. As she sat across from them, Rey noticed he had a leather bag with him and a few notebooks and a laptop were poking out of it, along with a pair of expensive-looking headphones. Maybe he had rich parents in California paying for his college intuition, she mused. That would make him a spoiled brat and then maybe she could stop feeling…things about him.

“College will do that to you,” Rey mumbled. She looked at the menu and ordered a random sandwich and cup of soup.

“Yeah and with him being a freelance writer and in a band on top of all that, poor Ben hardly has time for anything.” Rose poked him with her straw in teasing and he smiled a bit in return. He looked almost embarrassed that she had said that.

“A band? No kidding.” _Of course he’s in a fucking band,_ Rey thought with dismay. She mentally cussed Ben out for being her type of guy to a T. “What’s it called?”

“It’s called, um…” Ben grabbed another straw, pulled off the wrapper, and started tying it into a ribbon. “...The Knights of Ren.”

“Bitchin’. Like fuckin’ Marilyn Manson?” Rey wanted to roll her eyes. Gods, what would a band like that sing about? Slaying princess and getting laid with dragons?

To her surprise, that made Ben laugh a little. Rose just covered her mouth. Her eyes had been on nothing but her phone ever since they sat down.

“Not exactly. We’re more...indie gothic rock with some inspiration from Seattle era grunge. And avant-garde metal.” Ben looked down at the wrapper. In trying to tie it he had ended up tearing it and now the table was completely empty of unwrapped straws and that alone looked like it was making him start to shake. Seemed weird that he depended on such a small thing to keep him calm.

“Ooookay.” Rey pretended to sound unimpressed and blew bubbles in her soda. “I’ll have to go to a show sometime to see whatever the fuck that sounds like. Where do you play?”

“Usually at Starkiller Club, right off of 8th and Main. Most of the time it’s weeknights but we’re trying to get in on a Saturday,” said Ben. His eyes did not leave her but he still kept playing with the straw wrapper.

“No damn clue where that is,” Rey laughed.

“Are you new to the city?” Ben asked.

She nodded and looked down at the sofa she had ordered and took a sip. Now she felt like a tourist of some kind. Like she was some poor lost little kid they had taken under their wing because they pitied her and shit, she was going down that train of thought yet again, wasn’t she? Thinking she actually deserved pity, of all things.

“Guess so. I moved here to go to school. Yeah. I’m new.”

“Oh shit, then you probably don’t know your way around, huh?” Ben asked.

Rey shook her head, pursing her lips.

“Nope! Not at all. I know the nearest grocery store and the fucking laundromat and that’s it. Nothing else…” her sentence trailed off as she noticed a change in Rose’s expression, her tiny fingers clenching around her phone case. Rey looked at her. “You okay?”

“Shit...shit...I’m so sorry. My friend can’t afford an Uber and needs a ride to work.” Rose blushed furiously and fumbled for her purse. “Shit, Rian, I’m sorry.”

Rey shrugged and smiled a bit.

“It’s cool, love. Just buy me a couple shots and we’ll call it even,” she teased.

Rose looked up, humiliation all over her face, even worse than Ben only moments ago.

“I’m sorry, Rian, really.”

“Hey, it’s cool. I get it.” Rey smiled and held up her hands. “No worries.”

With that Rose smiled a bit and got up. The small kiss she left on Ben’s cheek left Rey tingling with envy. She had to admit, the idea of being alone with Ben did not repulse her but she did like Rose’s company, as much as it made her envious. Rose grabbed her things and muttered a few more apologies about being called away before she rushed off. Ben turned to Rey and shifted in his seat. He put his hands on his thighs.

“So...school. Keeps you busy.”

Rey suddenly tried to act interested in her hands. Too big, too hairy, too gangly for her. Not fitting properly in her lap, her nails way too crooked and dirty to ever be close to pretty. She had scars from the foster parents who beat the backs of her hands with leather belts when she wet the bed or woke up screaming in the middle of the night. As if anyone cared about that.

Ben nodded, and his honey eyes drifted up to her. The way he looked at her made Rey felt strange. Exposed, naked. Like he could see right through the whole ‘yes I’m totally a cisgender boy’ act.

“Can I ask you some personal questions?’ Rey asked before she could stop herself.

“I’m an open book,” was Ben’s answer.

“First thing I’m curious about is...how long have you been out? How did you come out?”

He swiped a straw from the vacant table beside them and tore off the wrapper before he began to speak.

“Well, I officially came out to everyone, friends and family and all, when I was eleven years old. It was just before the school year started and my parents were going over the list of things we needed to get. And that included name tags on my stuff and new clothes. And I just realized I couldn’t take going back to school as a girl. So I told them the truth right there.”

“Huh…” Rey found herself picturing the scene, but of course there were just gray forms for Ben’s mother and father. “What did your parents say?”

At that, Ben stopped folding the wrapper and looked down at his hands. He sighed a bit, and once he saw the waiter arriving with their food he kept quiet. He had ordered some sort of tilapia dish with cooked veggies on the side. Rey hesitated before digging into her food, self-conscious of her bad eating habits, which included scarfing meals down way too fast, not always using utensils when she should, and licking her plate clean. Ben didn’t even dig into his meal before continuing with the story.

“My mom was...okay with it. Just basically accepted it and did what she figured every parent of a trans kid should do. She bought me boys’ clothes that year. Had trouble not using my old name for a while, though. She even let me go on hormone blockers a couple years later. But I could tell she was struggling internally with the whole thing. She just never talked about it and how it made her feel. It didn’t help that I went off to boarding school and we didn’t see each other much during a lot of the important years. By the time she finally opened up it was...well, the conversation had been put off way too long. If that makes sense.”

“I guess. I mean, I don’t even know what to make of most gay and trans stuff. I just need someone to show me my place in all this, to be honest.” She paused, and in the silence she felt him waiting for her to explain more. “I’m in a questioning phase, you could say...I need to know more. Learn more.”

He nodded, his jaw shifting in a peculiar sort of way.

“I can help with that. Like I said, any questions, anything you want to know.”

Their eyes locked and there was a period in which they did nothing but regard each other, the silence not uncomfortable, but an opportunity to realize that they may have a couple things in common. And for the briefest second Rey got that feeling again, that Ben was seeing right through her and knew who she really was, and that in a strange way they were both looking into a mirror. Then the moment ended when Ben took his fork and had a small bite from his meal. Rey followed the gesture and had a few spoonfuls of soup before asking,

“So what about your dad? How’d he handle it?”

Ben made a small noise that was halfway between a grunt and a shortly-lived bitter laugh.

“Well, like my mom, he didn’t understand it when I first came out. But while my mom did her research and got me to the right doctors and support groups, my dad was...he just wanted nothing to do with it.” His voice took on a darker tone and he picked at his food. His knees bounced up and down under the table. “See he had this idea that I was going to be ‘daddy’s little princess.’ And he would chase away all the boys who tried to date me and he was going to brag about his perfect daughter. My dad felt that I took all that away from him. Stole something from him. And that pissed him off.” Ben clenched his jaw.

“Dude, if you want to change the subject…”

He shook his head.

“No, no. It’s okay. It’s good for me to talk about it, you know?” He took another bite. “Anyway, Mom and Dad fought a lot--a _lot_ \--about the transition stuff. Dad finally gave up and let Mom take me to see the doctor who prescribed hormone blockers and later actual testosterone injections. Dad never went with to any of the appointments. And he never asked about them either. Like he was just in constant denial. And this is more of a personal thing not related to my transition, but...I feel like their conflict over it was part of the reason they divorced.”

“Oh, shit. That’s got to suck.” Rey didn’t even have to fake sympathy. Not that she had any concept of loving parents, but a girl could dream it.

“It does suck. A lot more was going on. But bottom line, Mom had accepted that she had a transgender son, and Dad still wanted a cisgender daughter. Made a fucked up marriage even more fucked up.”

Rey ate her food while he spoke, just taking it all in, nodding at parts and wincing at others.

“Shit, man. Can I ask something else?”

“Of course.” He took another bite.

“How did you know?”

“How did I know what?”

“You know. How did you _know_?” Rey sipped at her drink, watching Ben sit back in his seat and put his hands on his thighs.

“I kind of...always knew,” he said after a long pause. “The little signs growing up. Wanting my hair short. Being a ‘tomboy.’ Hating when they split us up by gender in school activities. And when I was little I had a babysitter who was very LGBT supportive and she was really open about it with me. That really helped. And one day it just all came together and I realized who I really was.”

“Man...that’s heavy stuff.” Rey felt so fucking dumb just saying that. He probably thought she was just some creepy dude who was looking for a bisexual girl so he could have a threesome with his girlfriend…

“I need to go smoke,” Ben said abruptly. He stood up, grabbing his leather bag. “You smoke?”

“Yeah, sure.” She stood up and followed him. They headed out the side door to the alleyway beside the restaurant where the wood pallets and large cartons piled up. Ben leaned against the brick wall and pulled the hood of his black sweater over his head. “I don’t have any on me right now though; sorry, man.”

“That’s cool. What do you usually smoke?” Ben pulled out a pack of Marlboro Black 100’s.

“Um, menthol mostly. Pall Mall or Camel.” She took the cigarette he offered her and pulled out her own lighter. “Thanks. Can I ask just one more question? Is it...hard? I mean, of course it’s hard being different, but...what’s it like being out? Especially with someone like you who’s open about it. You don’t even hide that you’re trans. You told me it flatout and I was a total stranger.”

For that question, Ben took a couple drags on his cigarette and tousled his dark hair before answering.

“Best case scenario, you make new friends and even help others come out of the closet. Worst case scenario, you get fired, lose friends, and people threaten you or assault you. It depends. Just like any other person in the world no matter their gender or past or whatever...you get the good days and the bad days.”

“I see. Makes sense.” She focused on her cigarette and the kick it was giving her. “I grew up in a very rural part of the country. Very conservative. Like confederate flags everywhere and folks who wouldn’t hesitate to lynch anyone who isn’t white kind of conservative. If you were ‘different’ at all you didn’t tell nobody or you’d be as good as dead. And I guess that’s why I’m still having trouble figuring it out, just because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it,” she said bitterly.

“Damn…” Ben winced and sympathy washed over his eyes.

“Yeah, so...I have a lot of catching up to do with the outside world.”

“This isn’t a place bad to start,” he said softly. “Catching up, I mean.”

“You grew up here?”

“East Coast, actually. But my parents traveled a lot and we’d stay abroad in Europe for months at a time. So I didn’t have much of a permanent place to grow up.”

“Lucky bastard,” she laughed, trying to sound as playful as possible. But deep down she loathed just hearing a word like ‘abroad.’ It made her feel cheated out of so much. Here was a guy like Ben who had been living as his true self for more than half his life and looked gorgeous, and got to see the world as a kid, all wealthy and happy...while she spent her whole childhood cooped up in trailers and farmhouses that reeked of beer and dog shit, counting and naming the dead flies she collected on her windowsill to pass the time. Not to mention how that exposure to other trans folk helped him come out so much sooner. It was so _unfair_.

“In many ways, yes. I am,” he admitted.

“Let’s go back inside. It’s freezing out here.” She ducked back in, unable to look him in the eye for a few minutes. They finished their meal with lighter conversation sprinkled in, which made them both relieved. Rey made herself smile, even as she was still internally processing everything Ben told her before, how she felt about him, and how much she wished it would be so easy to just tell him she was just like him. Ben asked a few more things about where Rey grew up, and she avoided as much information as she could that would expose her as ‘white trash.’ But by the time they were ready for their checks Ben knew she grew up in the foster care system, had no siblings, and did really well in school in her last few years. And they briefly discussed their favorite classes in college.

“Have a preference for a science subject?” Ben asked.

“Well mechanics, duh,” she laughed. “But I’m also kind of into nuclear physics, relativity, plant genetics and horticulture, um...and I’ve just started reading up on marine biology.” She lit up, glad he had brought it up. Science subjects were the one place she didn’t have to fake happiness and didn’t have to hide her passion for it.

“Damn. See, science was never my strength. And math. Makes my brain hurt.”

“Yeah, cause you’re a starving artist, right?” Rey elbowed him as they got up from the table.

His ears turned red and he scowled at her, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Hey, I’ve had some of my poems published!” he defended. “And our band is doing well.”

“Yeah, well when your first album sells a million copies I’ll take back what I said.” She smirked. “Well, I should get going. Thanks a lot for this.”

“Anytime, Rian. See you around?”

“Yeah.” She gave him a light smack on the arm and he just pursed his lips before taking off.

Rey watched him go, thinking the way his ears reddened like that had been fucking adorable.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS
> 
> Brief mention of rape and sexual abuse. Mentioned alcohol use.

Ben Organa-Solo always got nervous before his band performed.

Even though The Knights of Ren had done countless gigs since they first started three years ago, he never ceased to get anxiety attacks before going up on stage. Maybe it was because the latest song they had put together had a lyric or two that accidentally became a bit too personal. Or maybe there were too many eyes in the crowd that looked judgemental, waiting for him to mess up.

He hunched over in the small bathroom at the back of the bar, holding his bottle of anti-anxiety medication and studying how much he had left of them. After a brief pause he took his Ativan and washed it down with a handful of water from the sink. Then he went to putting more black eyeliner on. His phone went off. One of his acquaintances texted him.

Alejandro, known by everyone as ‘DJ’, was the older brother of one of the band members. Most people knew him as their drug dealer and the guy you went to if you needed help getting out of a jiffy, but the Knights of Ren knew him as their only hope of transportation. In exchange for letting the band borrow his big van to move equipment from gig to gig, DJ only asked for a meal and maybe a few bucks to cover gas. Nice guy. Crazy as fuck, but nice.

He was also openly bisexual, and he had always said if Ben was down for it they should fuck one of these days. Ben had yet to take him up on that offer. Not that he wouldn’t fuck DJ given the chance, but he needed to put the whole addiction to one-night stands behind him.

_ “Have fun out there, Kylo! ;) ”  _ he had texted, of course using Ben’s pen name-slash-stage name.

Ben smiled a bit and texted a thumbs-up emoji back before heading out to the stage. Tonight, Ben opted to wear a simpler stage outfit—a black long sleeved shirt with some tears and gashes around the ribs, arms, and back. He had skinny black jeans and his favorite pair of large black boots. And to finish off the costume he had a torn black scarf hanging down over his shoulders and down his back. His hair hung in a mess over his eyes, hiding as much of his face from the thin crowd as he could. It wasn’t a full turnout at the pub, as it was a weeknight. But a lot of the local followers of The Knights of Ren were there, wearing their black clothes and occult makeup and jewelry. Once Ben stepped up on stage they clapped and cheered. Everyone else just applauded the bare minimum for social etiquette and clutched their drinks, staring at the group of goth girls and boys like they were about to summon a demon.

He couldn’t complain. The band’s Facebook and Twitter pages each had almost 800 likes and their Instagram had close to 2,000. People from all over the United States and even some in Europe, Canada, and other international countries knew about them. Of course Ben couldn’t be bothered to keep up The Knights Of Ren’s social media presence since he was busy enough penning lyrics, scheduling their performances, and looking for sponsors. He left that work to the pianist and the drummer.

The lead guitarist, known by his stage name ‘Paladin Ren,’ introduced the band as always, as Ben adjusted the mic, eyes focused on the floor, shifting his feet side to side. When Paladin finished explaining that the band had a new song they were ready to announce to the world, the lights went dim save for a red spotlight on Kylo. He gripped the mic stand and began to sing.

The bass guitarist, a girl who went by ‘Lithium Ren’on stage, had warned Ben about this song. That the lyrics were too raw, too personal. That if he wasn’t careful he might have a mental breakdown onstage. For once, he had been  _ too  _ honest. But he sang anyway.

_ “I’m special to you _

_ I’m silent to you _

_ Sweet little thing _

_ Sweet and pretty…” _

As the first verse continued, his voice drifted from its normal smooth, honey-like sound to a more guttural tone, resembling an animal more than a human. It was Kylo Ren’s characteristic in their songs, or so their social media followers liked to say. They liked to start their songs with a slow, haunting, but occasionally a sweet melody. And gradually it would descend, as if taking the listener on a walk deeper and deeper into a cave, and the further they went the more the walls became jagged, the air became thick, and the twists and turns became unpredictable. Paladin had once said he liked to think of each song as its own horror story. And the fans really liked that description to.

_ “And every night I’d wake up to nightmares of fear _

_ As you whispered to me and held me and raped me _

_ Saying, “This is what you deserve, what you deserve…” _

Kylo took a deep breath, holding the mic tightly, his chest heaving. He had not heeded Lithium’s warnings of course. He hadn’t written any songs explicitly about this part of his past yet, and it was a long time coming. There was a lot he needed to get out of his system. The Ativan was helping but he still felt his heart begin to pound. He wasn’t singing anymore so much as growling, almost screaming into the mic. Something the fans adored about the band, saying it even scared them sometimes, how animalistic Kylo’s singing could sound.

_ “And I thought I liked it _

_ You fucking monster! _

_ And I thought _

_ That it was all my fault! _

_ I fucking hate you!” _

It had been bad enough when he wrote the lyrics but now, singing them in front of all these people, old images flashed in his mind. He saw the boarding school where his uncle worked at for years. The other students who didn’t understand what it was like to be trans, and didn’t care to. The postcards and emails from his parents that always asked the wrong questions as if they couldn’t care less about him. And then there was the old teacher...that man with the face so scarred, saying he got it from being tortured in an enemy camp in Vietnam, that man who knew how to make you feel so  _ wanted  _ and like it didn’t matter if anyone else wanted you as long as  _ he  _ did. That monster who would pull Ben aside to remind him how special he was and asked for all those favors and special deeds Ben didn’t even know were evil until it was too late.

_ “Nobody will believe you anyway _

_ Don’t bother telling _

_ Now you had best do what I say _

_ Or you know there will be hell to pay…” _

Tears rushed to his eyes and he lost himself in the moment. He let himself scream out his rage, his horror, his revulsion at those years that would always feel like they happened mere minutes ago, and the music behind him swelled just as it had sounded in his mind when he was writing. The crowd thought it was all just part of the act and cheered. Little did they know the singer ‘Kylo Ren’ didn’t have to fake his maddened, horrified screaming and crying, and that if he had indeed been putting on an act it would have failed horribly.

After the show, Ben didn’t stay with the band to greet their few local fans. He just couldn’t, not this time anyway. Instead he rushed to the bathrooms, shaking and seeing stars, knowing that his tears had made a mess of his eyeliner all over his face. He clutched at the counter and realized that sooner or later he was going to throw up. So instead of waiting for it he opted to just get it over with, and shoved his fingers down his throat until he could empty his stomach contents in the toilet. Waves of feverish heat crashed over him. It felt amazing.

‘Lithium’ found him a couple minutes later. She didn’t look shocked—this would not be the first time she saw their lead singer like this—but her eyes got big as she approached him. He felt her fingertips graze his spine. He had no control over the flinch in his body so strong his forehead hit the underside of the toilet seat. Lithium pulled her hand away instantly.

“Christ, Ben...you okay?”

He shook his head and fumbled for his bottle of pills.

“I’ll be all right…” He coughed. “I just need a few minutes.”

“I told you we shouldn’t have done that song live…shit, man.”

He spat into the toilet and flushed it, then slowly stood up.

“Order me a drink. Like a Jack and Coke or something.”

“Yeah. Sure thing…” She left him alone.

Ben shook his head. He put his head in the sink and ran cold water over the back of his neck. The stars in his vision slowly subsided.

_ Deep breaths _ , he told himself.  _ That old fucker is rotting away in state prison...hundreds of miles away. He’ll never be allowed on parole. He’ll die in a cell, alone and miserable. You’ll never see him again. He’ll never see you again. _

_ Deep breaths. You’re safe. You’re all right…   _

_ Snoke cannot hurt you anymore. _

 

~

 

Rey, as always, turned in her paper into her Humanities class less than half an hour before it was due. Which she knew annoyed the fuck out of her professor but he was kind of an asshole to her so she didn’t care much anyway. Besides, she only took this class because she needed the college credits, not because it really mattered for her major.

But to be fair, she was an asshole to him right back, by turning in late assignments and not paying attention well in class. And when she did come to class she stunk up the whole place with her unwashed clothes and the smell of her last cigarette. And she knew he hated it. But when he left comments on her papers he left a barrage of both criticism and compliments--from “This is unacceptable” to “Couldn’t have said it better.” Luke Skywalker was a hard man to read.

Today was the last week before finals were due. Luke was hunched over in his chair, early to class as always, grunting to himself as he looked over papers on his laptop. His hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and his beard had been trimmed only a bit since Rey the last class. The man even had a calligraphy set on his desk, as if anyone used that shit anymore.

She rushed into class wearing what was still her only hoodie in the world. By now, since she had to wear it all the time just to keep warm in this autumn Oregon weather, it was starting to fall apart. The sleeves were torn and holes were forming on the bottom. Not to mention all the stains over it, whether from sweat or pasta sauce. Of course, if she didn’t spend all that money at the coffee shop, she could have saved up enough for a few new hoodies by now but then again she really needed that caffeine, and she really liked seeing Ben there all the time too.

But winter would be here soon and Rey had never seen snow in her entire life. She couldn’t wait for it to come, but she also dreaded the cold.

As she walked into class it took her a minute to realize no other students were in the classroom. Which was odd because she was almost always the last one there. With a shrug, and thinking little of it, Rey took her usual seat and sat down and opened her textbook.

“Wondering why no one’s here?” Luke asked.

“Uh, yeah?”

“You’re half an hour early,” she heard the professor mutter.

“What?” She blinked. “How the fuck am I early…?”

“Beats me…” He typed something on his laptop. “By the way, you’ll see this in the course’s online portal in a minute, but you got a perfect score on your last paper.”

“Uh huh. Thanks.”

“I’m serious. Perfect score.”

Rey put her feet down and sat up straight. Her eyes got big.

“Are you nuts? Why would you give me a grade like that?”

Luke looked at her like she had grown two heads.

“Uh...because you earned it? You put in the effort into that assignment and you got the grade fair and square.”

“Well, thanks.” She still had a hunch he was just fucking with her. Now she started to realize why she might have gotten to class early. Last night she went to bed early and her phone died because she forgot to charge it so when she woke up she didn’t get to check the time, and of course assumed she was running late as always.

“You can thank me by buying another damn hoodie. I can smell that washrag from here.”

“Hey!” She glared, blushing deeply.  _ As if you smell like fucking Bath and Body Works...  _ “I would if I had enough cash.”

“I will literally give you a hundred bucks if you promise to use it to buy three sweaters, or hoodies, whatever. Anything.” His eyes were glued to his laptop as he glared at the screen.

Rey froze, not fully registering what he had said.

“You’re going to what?”

“Are you deaf? If I give you a hundred bucks, you’ll spend it on new winter clothes.”

“Uh...okay.” She was so stunned by his gesture that she forgot to be embarrassed. He probably pitied her, sensed that she had come from a poor place, and saw her as a charity project or a means to help him feel better about himself. When her professor beckoned her to head over to his desk she did not hesitate. He shoved a handful of twenties at her.

“And promise to throw that damn thing away.”

“Fine!” She grabbed them before her pride could get in the way. “Why would you do that? I don’t understand.”

Luke looked up at her and Rey got that same feeling she got around Ben. The feeling of someone who could see right through, past all the pretending and the lying and even past her background of where she came from and what her parents were like. The feeling that someone was looking right at  _ her _ in every which and way. It was not a feeling she liked. It scared her.

“Hate to see you drop out cause you froze to death,” he grunted, then resumed his work like nothing had happened.

Rey just slinked back to her seat, ears turning red. But she clutched the money in her hand, folded them neatly, and put them in the back pocket, still trying to figure out why he had given it to her. During class she took more notes than usual, even ones she did not think she would need for finals.

Before studying she went for a walk downtown and found the nearest clothing outlet which was a few blocks from campus. The money Luke gave her covered the cost of two hoodies and two sweaters. She chose simple colors and designs, nothing that would make her stand out too much. But for one of them she ended up choosing a mustard yellow color with a realistic drawing of a red rose on the front--she couldn’t help herself, it had just been just too adorable. On her way out she tossed her old hoodie in the nearest dumpster and pulled one of her new ones. As she did, Rey realized it was the first time in her entire life that she was wearing brand new clothes. Not from a thrift store or garage sale or a kid bigger than her who outgrew them. No one had ever worn these before. They were hers and hers completely. Brand new.

She held the sleeves up to her face and inhaled deeply. A big smile filled her face. She even skipped a bit as she walked. New clothes smelled  _ so damn good _ .

That night she refused to go to sleep until she finished working on studying for midterms. It was amazing how much the smell and sensation of a new hoodie helped her focus. When she was done she had a real good drawn out session in which she let herself imagine her favorite fantasies while she jacked off. Still in her hoodie, she passed out in bed seconds later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is liking the fic so far! I really have a lot more to explore with Ben's backstory and more so with Rey's. So much planned for this fic I'm super excited to share with you :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woot, this chapter is longer than the usual ones!! This is one of my top favorites to write so far and I really hope everyone enjoys it!  
> A lot of this chapter is taken from a roleplay I am doing with my beta-reader who I guess is now technically a co-author, haha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS
> 
> Brief mention of abuse and alcoholism. Mild sexual content. Detailed description of nudity.
> 
> Depiction of self-harm.

Rose had texted Rey the invitation a few days ago. Now and then Rey read the text over again, just to make sure she got it right.

_"We're having a party just before winter break. Sunday the 18th, 7:30 PM. it's at Ben's apartment at 110 Falcon Drive, Apt 3.! Hope to see you there!”_

Rey sighed.

The concept of being at a college party was so foreign to her she felt stunned, unsure of what the next step would be. She texted back a ‘thumbs up’ emoji and took stock of her appearance in the mirror. The cargo shorts, big tee shirt and plain hoodie wouldn’t do. She opted for some slim, but not tight fitting jeans that she cuffed at the bottom, some converse, and a large graphic tee from Forever 21 that Finn got her for her birthday. She tucked the shirt into her jeans, enjoying how the oversized shirt made her frame look slightly smaller. Not feminine, but...bearable. She brushed her hair and put a little product in it and did a thirty-minute beauty mask so she could work up the courage to actually go in the meantime.

The party was starting up when she got there. It seemed mostly laid back, much to her relief, with drinks and snacks going around and some gothic rock music playing on speakers. Rose found her quickly and went up to her.

“Hey Rian! Glad you could make it!” She smiled brightly. Of course Rose was dressed in the prettiest high-waisted tennis shirt, white graphic crop top, thigh high, and platform sneakers, looking like she stepped straight out of one of the alternative fashion blogs Rey followed. Gods, the girl was so cute. Rey swallowed her anger and graciously accepted the hug Rose offered her.

“Hi Rose!.., glad to be here!” She forced a smile, the unfamiliar setting creating a pit in her stomach “Lot of people, huh.” Less a question for Rose and more an assessment for herself.

"Yeah I know, right? Lots of Ben's classmates are here. And the band's here too! Lots of them are really popular in the art scene here in the city." Rose put her arm around Rey's and led her inside. She saw lots of college students but also a lot of 'artsy' looking young people - covered in tattoos, colored hair, piercings, black clothes. Looked like Ben's type of people. Rey really was the odd one out, feeling horribly underdressed for the occasion, and these were her nice clothes too.

Rose pulled her to the kitchen area.

"Help yourself to any snacks and drinks. We have a lot of goodies here so don’t be shy!”

Rey didn't see Ben around anywhere and in truth she had mostly come to the party just to see him again. She helped herself to a large bowl of pretzels. Opting out of serving herself a plate in favor of just eating idly from the serving bowl as her eyes darted around the room looking for Ben. Surely a guy as tall as him couldn’t be hard to find, right?

She finally saw him sitting in the corner of the room, drinking from a beer bottle. He was chatting idly with another tattooed fellow but Rey could even tell from here he was not very comfortable with so many people around. The small twitches and bobs and glances gave it all away. At least they had that much in common--they hated crowds. Rey inched closer and closer towards him, everyone else in the party acting like she wasn’t even there, either passing or bumping into her. In part she would prefer it over getting lots of attention but at the same time being invisible hurt like a knife.

Ben looked up and noticed her quickly. He wrapped up his conversation with the tattooed guy and walked up to her.

“Hey Rian...how are you?” He asked in a way that sounded that if she wasn’t okay she could say so.

She gave him an expression that looked like she would rather be anywhere but here, but she was relieved to see him and visibly relaxed around him.

“I’m all right. Midterms are a bitch, you know.” She eyed him up and down and damn, he looked _fine as hell_ in the black hoodie and tight black jeans, but “You look nice when you’re not in your work uniform” came out.

He blushed a bit and shifted his weight awkwardly. Almost like there was too much height and mass to him that he didn’t know what to do with. He looked like a little boy trapped in a big guy’s body.

“Thanks. Um, sorry for the big crowd. Lots of folks who’d be pissed if I didn’t invite them. Can’t make any enemies what with the band and all…”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want anyone to feel _excluded._ ” She rolled her eyes playfully.

He did the thing with his jaw where it rolled to the side for a moment, then held up his beer.

“Have a drink with me?”

“Sure,” she said, neglecting to mention she would prefer non-alcoholic until he offered her a beer. “Uh, actually, just a soda or something, thanks. I don’t like drinking too much.”

“I’m sorry. Could of sworn I saw you drinking with some other guys one time, though.” But he didn’t argue otherwise and got her a can of Pepsi from the fridge.

“I did. I just can’t drink in big crowds or tight spaces. I can only do places like large bars or outdoors. The fewer walls and fewer people, the better.” She rubbed her palms on her jeans to erase the sweat.

“Too much noise?” Ben asked as he put a few ice cubes in a glass and filled it with the soda. As Rey took it she made a small shrug and said in a tone so painfully casual and passive it made her teeth sting,

“No, just smelling and drinking alcohol in enclosed spaces triggers my PTSD. My parents were alcoholics and they would have lots of horrible people over at our house to drink with them.”

He twitched a bit. She could see the realization and guilt hit him like a punch to the gut. Which made her feel just as guilty for dropping a bomb on him like that. Maybe she just craved his pity in some demented way. _Way to time the epic tragic backstory reveal, idiot._

“Oh...fuck, I’m sorry, man. If I had known…” he stammered.

“No, no. It’s okay. No worries. I’m okay.” She smiled at him before sipping at her Pepsi. “You can have a beer if you want. Don’t let me ruin everything.”

“Then let’s get outside. I need to smoke anyway.” They walked out back to the small porch. He had kept the door locked so it could be a place of privacy for him during the party in case he needed a break from everybody. He pulled out his pack and offered her one which she of course could not possibly turn down. One of these days she really, _really_ needed to quit. But cigarettes got her through high school and all those days on the road driving up here, it got so lonely and they helped her keep pushing onward.

He lit his cigarette and let out a long sigh.

“I’m working on something new for the band,” he said abruptly.

“Oh yeah, what’s that? New album?” she asked, her voice with a veil of snark but genuine curiosity and admiration underneath.

“New song.” He pulled out a folded sheet of paper and handed it to her so she could read the lyrics he had written. “Still working on it, but...it’s a start. It’s bad, I know.”

Reading the lyrics she found herself much more moved than she had expected. He seemed to be pulling from real experiences that gave his words an added weight. It was easy to forget that he was trans too, since he passed so well. But it was clear to her that passing and presenting wasn’t a line to cross after which there would be no more suffering.

“Rose says I need to write more happy stuff. She says it’s too dark...” he took a swig from his beer.

“Well I like it... happy stuff, when it’s forced, always feels fake anyways.”

“I don’t know if I could ever write happy stuff. Not my style.” He smoked his cigarette while staring out at the city skyline.

“How are things with you and Rose, by the way?” she dared ask.

“They’re all right. I mean, she’s really sweet and nice. Cutest fucking girl ever,” he said, with no way of knowing how those words would be daggers in Rey’s heart.

And the words did sting, but she feigned a smile and honestly, Rey couldn’t argue with that. Rose was cute as a button, and they were lucky to be with each other. She’d be caught dead saying that either of them deserve anything less than a wonderful relationship.

“Yeah I’ll say...” she broke out into a full blush. “Wait, no! N-not like that, I mean! She’s cute and all but she’s totally not my type at all!”

“Shit, dude, it’s fine. Don’t get all worked up over nothing,” he teased.

Rey laughed it off and they shared a much more comfortable silence, staring off at the cityscape, to the horizon. It was a nice moment. The party in the background, the cool fresh air, the solidarity that came with sharing something as simple as a sunset with a person who went through the exact same thing you went through. Even if that person did not even know it yet. A few minutes later Ben ended the moment with a sigh and saying quietly,

“I don’t know...I think Rose needs someone else. I don’t feel right for her..”

“Oh.. why do you say that?” Rey’s interest piqued at his words.

“I dunno. Like I said, she’s not bad. She’s really sweet and nice but...her family and background is so different from mine. It’s like we can’t relate to each other. Like we’ll never understand each other in lots of ways...if that makes sense. And I haven’t met her parents yet but from what I know about them they’re very conservative so they might not like the idea of their girl being with...you know…” He didn’t have to finish the sentence.

She carefully considered his words and opened her mouth to respond when the girl herself knocked on the door. Rey let her in and Rose greeted Ben with a kiss on the cheek. Ben put on a big smile that had not the past fifteen minutes with him happened Rey would have believed was genuine. Apparently he was real good at pretending too, just like her.

“Hey babe. Having fun?” he asked sweetly.

“Mmmm I’m having a blast! Annnd I’m just a little tipsy. I’m sorry,” she giggled. She grabbed his cheeks and pulled him to lean down. He had to lean down quite a ways just for their lips to meet.

Rey turned away as they kissed, letting them have their moment. Her ears turned strawberry red and she kicked herself for the ugly jealousy creeping in. The idea that just because he was the first other trans person she met in her life that that gave her the right to dislike that he was in a relationship... _fuck_ , he wasn’t hers. He was a whole human being, not some fantasy or a daydream.

“Having fun, Rian?” Rose asked once they pulled away from the kiss.

She couldn’t bear to make eye contact with her, lest she might start crying right there.

“Yeah. It’s alright I guess, not used to this kind of thing but it’s good.” She offered them a faint smile.

“Oh my god! Shit! I forgot!” Rose laughed. “There’s another engineering major here! You two should hit it off!” She smiled, her hands on Bens chest as she leaned into him like he was her wall of support.

“Oh, really?” Rey raised an eyebrow, the statement coming out more sassy than intended.

“Uh yeah. Sorry, I thought it would be cool if you two got to nerd out about science stuff,” Rose said, blushing. She shivered from the cold and Ben put his hoodie around her.

 _These two fuckers..._ Rey thought. _They’re so fucking perfect and cute, I can’t stand it._

“Lead the way!” Rey ultimately replied. With that she accepted Rose’s open hand and Rose pulled her back inside into the chaos of a bunch of college kids and musicians and artists drinking and laughing. The engineering major in question was a tall ginger who had the most perfect business casual outfit Rey had seen in her whole life.

“Armitage, this is Rian. He’s majoring in mechanical engineering too! So you two should, you know, get along…Share notes or whatever.”

For a mechanical engineer the man looked very skinny, pale, and sterile, as if he had been dipped in antiseptic. His hair combed within an inch of its life, he extended a hand for Rey to shake and she obliged, giving her best firm handshake. Out of the corner of her vision she saw Rose pull Ben into a corner and start kissing him all over. She was acting very flirty. Her hands went to his thick biceps, his pecs, his hips, even to his thighs…

“So where are you from?” Armitage asked idly, sipping a glass of wine.

She felt his posture shift after she worked up the courage to tell him the truth, his air of self importance only growing, and it annoyed Rey. These two really had nothing in common apart from their majors. Idly she realized she had not seen any wine in the kitchen and could only assume he brought his own.

“Really? Interesting...and how did someone with a name like Jakku end up here?” Armitage asked her.

“I manage,” she replied curtly, feeling oddly uneasy in the presence of this man. “How does somebody like you end up in mechanical engineering?”

He smiled at the opportunity to talk about himself and began his story, not shying away from the trivial details about his whole education and upbringing, here and there mentioning a piece of shit father (the details of which Rey had to tune out lest she wanted to start having nasty flashbacks) and a surrogate mother who saw goodness in him, and how he came to be into said university and degree, and so on and so on. While he kept talking, Rey saw that Rose and Ben had snuck off to another room in the apartment and shut the door behind them. Rey found herself tracking the couple’s movements. The door was left slightly ajar, not too much that it would reveal something, but enough that the air conditioner would likely throw it open. After Armitage finished his story, Rey realized she had to use the restroom which happened to be right across from the room Rose and Ben were in. She muttered a “Nice to meet you Armie” and rushed over.

Just as she suspected, the door was opened slightly by the air conditioning so she went over to close it. When she went there, she saw Ben on top of Rose, kissing her passionately.

He was stripped to the waist.

Rey’s face went bright red. She slammed the door and ran into the bathroom. She sat down and went did her business, wringing her hands in front of her. The ugly jealousy feeling had now crept into her own self, poisoning itself into self-loathing. She hoped that the bathroom would have a fan so she wouldn’t have to hear the noises they were making through the thin wall. But of course, she had no such luck.

She could still hear the sounds both of them were making as they kissed each other deeply. Breathless moaning. Tongues rolling. Lips smothering and smacking. Rose let out a giggle that quickly turned into a cry of pleasure. It was easy to imagine what was happening and Rey hated every second of it but had no way of stopping it. She heard Ben wrapped Rose in his arms, pinning her down with his body weight as they kissed. Then Rose grabbed him and rolled over so he was on his back and she was kneeling on top of him, looking down at him like the catch of the day.

“Ah! Benny! Where's that strap-on we really dig? You know, the purple one?”

“Uh, it's around here somewhere...must be under the bed...and you know I hate that nickname.” Now he was taking off his clothes...

Rey felt the blood rush to her groin and cursed herself. She felt like an intruder or a voyeur. But she wasn’t done doing her business, and on some level, it was one of those experiences where you can’t just look away. It’s so inappropriate and vulgar you just have to keep ‘staring’ at it. If she opened the bathroom door just a hair, she could see Ben lying on the bed, naked. She could see that he had strong pecs and thigh muscles but nothing other that those were very visible to her. Then she saw Rose, only wearing a cute pastel pink bra and matching panties, hold up a lovely looking strap on. “There it is!”

Then Rey saw Ben sit up to put it on, and she got a look at him full frontal. And it was her first exposure to what a trans man’s genitals after years of hormones looks like. The blood rush was not going anywhere any time soon.

The man exuded a masculine confidence, looking and seeming more male than any cisgender male she’d ever encountered. He was broad and tall, with chiseled physique but in a way that was more stocky than typical magazine model material, more practical than cosmetic if you will. But unfortunately for Rey that was exactly how she preferred her men. Her eyes immediately went to his crotch where she saw his happy trail lead down to his vagina, which was surrounded by short curly dark hairs. His folds glistened slightly with wetness. What made it look so different than what Rey expected was that he had what looked like a small cock right in the center of his crotch--and later that week, after reading up, she would come to realize that hormone treatment had enlarged his clitoris. His ‘small cock’ in question was engorged from arousal, a bright and blushing pink, bulging out from his body. Rey could not help but stare, and it drove her crazy. When she snapped out of her haze she immediately felt dirty. Nobody, let alone a _lady_ should be ogling a man that doesn’t know he’s being looked at. She cursed repeatedly at herself.

Someone walked up in get in line for the bathroom, who Rey recognized as one of the band members of the Knights of Ren, a skinny goth guy who went by his stage name ‘Paladin.’

“Ew! Get a door lock you animals!” He shouted in teasing. He kicked the door shut, but not before Rose could throw the middle finger at him with a cheeky grin.

Rey breathed a sigh of relief and went back to where Ben had been smoking and sat in the silence. She put on her earbuds and closed her eyes. Finally she decided it would be pointless to say any longer, and that if she did, any conversation with Ben and Rose would be tainted with what she saw. So she put on some of her downloaded music and drove back to the school. Rey plopped down on her bed and let out an exasperated... not so much a sigh as a guttural “Ughhhhh” that had certainly been an ordeal and Rey was tired the fuck out.

Just as she pulled into campus, which was about twenty minutes after she saw Ben naked, Rey felt her phone buzz. A rush of anxiety and happiness filled her at the sight that it was from Ben.

_"Hey Rian, you still at the party?”_

She texted back,

“ _Nah, it’s not really my thing, see ya at the coffee shop?_ ” She turned off the phone and put it on airplane mode, not wanting to worry about when he’d respond. In seconds off went her pants and boxer briefs. Then she palmed at her dick until it got hard. Nothing specific entered her head for the moment. Generic hot dudes, mostly. Old porn videos she had watched. The kind that were always in black and white for some reason and could be found in abundance when she logged in on Tumblr. But no matter how hard she tried, she could not shake the sounds of the creaking of Rose and Ben’s bed.

And her head did a superb job of filling in all the cracks of whatever she had not heard or seen in that time. Ben’s grunting and moaning and his dirty talk, calling his girl a little slut and ordering her not to cum just yet. Rose’s soft moans growing higher and higher pitched. The sound of their skin slapping together….it was so fucking hot and she hated every minute of it and _hated_ that she was getting off to it. That she was masturbating to something she _never_ should have seen.

Rey gritted her teeth as she sent herself over the edge. When she was done, she just lay there breathing heavily and wallowing in her feelings. After a few minutes she put on some loose fitting pants and went to her bathroom to disassemble an old, dull shaving razor. The more she thought about the party as a whole the more it disgusted her, and she wished she had just never gone in the first place.

She slashed at her wrist. The cut stung.

Rey gritted her teeth and hissed, slashed a few more times, and finally put her hand over the cuts to keep them from bleeding out. Tears welled up in her eyes, but not enough to fall down her cheeks.

 

~

 

Ben frowned at the odd reply from Rian. He had not been expecting a reply like that but shrugged and put his phone away. Maybe Rian had been overwhelmed by all the drinking. Which, based on what he said about his childhood, made total sense. Ben grabbed another beer and headed to where most of the party was gathered and he forced a smile.

"So Ben! Can we hear your latest song so far?" someone asked.

"Oh I dunno...it's far from finished yet."

"Oh come on. Just a little teaser. Please please??" More people chimed in with the pleas and now Ben was starting to feel nervous and awkward.

Ben sighed and grabbed the karaoke mic and sang what he had of the song so far. Yet again it was a song about feeling angry, lost, and suicidal and he poured his emotions into his singing. He became a whole other person when he was on stage, or that is, when he became Kylo Ren. But as soon as he was finished he retreated back into being quiet and anxious. Lots of them clapped and pat him on the back and said that was amazing and a little scary how dark his lyrics were and he just kept nodding and drinking his beer through it all.

Ben wandered to the corner of the room, getting tipsy now. He chugged back yet another beer and focused on his phone to distract himself...he didn't want to be here. he couldn't believe he let them talk him into this party. A quiet evening alone working on his writing sounded much more appealing.

Ben sulked for the rest of the party until people finally left. When they did he curled up in bed with his phone. Rose climbed in behind him and clung to him.

"Hey, babe....you okay?"

"Sure. Just tired..." He finally got up the courage to post the sample of the song he sang tonight to the band's Soundcloud, Facebook, and Instagram pages. Ben couldn’t sleep and left the apartment to walk around the city streets alone, chain smoking and brooding and letting his mind wander, until he finally returned back to Rose who was out cold and tried to relax his body and his mind.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS (this chapter is the heaviest so far):
> 
> Detailed descriptions of depression and mental illness. Detailed (and slightly graphic) depictions of self-harm via cutting. Misgendering/deadnaming of a trans character.

Rey wished she could say it started that night and ended that night.

That after cutting her wrists one time, she would realize it was easier said than done to hide the scars, even in colder weather, and would stop for fear of someone seeing too much and reporting it to somebody who could sign her up for therapy or worse. That she didn’t try it again as soon as the scabs fell off, just to see if this time it would give her as much of a rush, if that one big feeling she got from cutting had not been just a one time thing. That she didn’t feel she deserved not just the initial pain of making herself bleed, but the constant burning that would persist for days afterwards. That every itching, stinging, searing reminder of her cuts seemed like something she had earned in more ways than one.

If she said that however, she would be lying.

And she learned the hard way how any addiction starts...whether the intent is to feel anything or feel nothing. It always starts with no plans to do it again. So does the second time. And with every time you do it your chances of stopping are divided. And with each time you need a little more to get the same result from the last time. And eventually you stop promising yourself this one will be the last time and instead, you just begin to accept it. It doesn’t help when you look down at your body and realize how easy it’ll be to cover yourself in cuts without anyone seeing if you’re careful enough. All the little places a few deep slashes can fit and no one will ever know.

It wasn’t like the addictions to alcohol and drugs her biologicals had, when it’s hard to keep behind closed doors what with all their friends being into it as well, and their non-stop partying. With cutting, she did it alone, without anyone else. She could hide when she did it. The only shame was her own, and not having to expose it anybody.

Rey liked the rush of adrenaline from red spots formed and bloated on her biceps and upper thighs. And she hated that she liked it. And that made her like it even more.

Maybe it would have been easier if she didn’t have a few weeks of nothing to do but work ahead of her. College classes and homework might have kept her too busy to think about cutting herself. On the other hand the stress might have drawn her more to it anyway. Who was to know?

 

~~

 

Winter break arrived before Rey knew what to do with herself. Too much free time, even with her full-time work. Not enough structure in her daily routine anymore. And the thought of having nowhere to go and nowhere to be scared her.

No, truth be told, it terrified her. Routine was a bitch but damn if it kept you even capable of pretending to be okay.

Finals had been so stressful that her brain still hurt even after it was all done. Luckily she did not fail any of her classes. Passed a couple by a hair, but passed nonetheless. One semester done, seven more to go, and then she’d be on her way.

Lucky for her, Takodana University allowed college students to stay on campus during winter break if they so wished. But that also meant no cafeteria food, so in order to eat she either had to get takeout or, stars forbid, cook something. And she hated the idea of doing that. Cooking sucked.

Finn and Poe stopped by on the start of winter break, when most students were busy moving out. The halls were crowded with boys hauling loads of dirty clothes and tote boxes full of video games and movies. Poe and Finn stood out among the younger faces, a pair of well-dressed bachelors among students in a hallway reeking of perspiration and marijuana. When Finn saw Rey he grinned and gave her a playful smack on the shoulder.

“Hey, man! Good to see you!”

Rey forced a smile and wished to herself that big, tight hugs that sucked all the negativity out of you were more socially acceptable for men. She would love one of Finn’s hugs.

“Good to see you too, Finn. It’s been a while.” She glanced between the two men. “And what the  _ hell  _ are you two doing here?”

“Wondering if you want to crash at our place now that it’s winter break. We have room. A couch and even a mattress if you prefer that.”

“No.” She had said it too much bluntness, she realized. Both men blinked at her before she quickly added, “I mean, thanks but no thanks. I’m staying here for winter break.”

Poe gave her a funny look and glanced around the room.

“You sure you want to stay cooped up here when you could be hanging out with your best buds? No offense but this isn’t the fanciest dorm on earth.”

“Why do I get the feeling you just want me in a gay threesome?”

“What! Oh come on, don’t be like that. I’m being nice!” Poe cried. “Besides, you’re not gay, are you?”

“I dunno. I mean…”  _ Well, shit, Rey. You’ve said too much already. _

Poe and Finn’s eyes lit up at the exact same moment.

“I mean, I am kind of into this...this  _ guy _ . He works at the coffee shop you recommended to me. But he’s already in a--” But Poe interrupted her before she could finish explaining.

“Oh, you mean Ben? Tall dark-haired dude with tattoos and Dumbo ears?” Poe smirked.

“That’s the guy and, dude, they’re not that big.”

“I remember him from when we went there last. I can see how he’d be your type. Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me.” Poe grinned and punched her. “Soooo fucking gay.”

“Shut up.” But Rey was already blushing. She kicked herself again. There was no reason for her to feel entitled to Ben, or let herself get upset that he was with someone else.

“Anyway, are you sure you won’t just stay with us? I promise we have fun at our place,” Finn said eagerly. “Poe is a fucking amazing cook. And we have ‘Overwatch’ on Xbox One.”

“I can visit, but I’d really rather stay here. We’ll hang out for sure, though. I love video games.”

“I agree. We need to go out more now that you’re on break.” Finn patted her on the back. “There’s still a lot of great stuff to do in the city that we haven’t shown you yet.”

“I’ll text you my work schedule…” She smiled forcefully and thought she might as well just take as many overtime hours as she could.

  
~~

 

Rey headed into the coffee shop the next day. Ben was there again, writing something on the large chalkboard. It turned out to the the shop’s holiday specialty drink. She skimmed the name but caught the words ‘pumpkin’ and ‘delight.’ When he saw her he headed over with a small polite smile.

“Same order as always?”

“Please.” She searched all her pockets until she found enough coins to put in the tip jar. “So, got any plans for winter break?”

“I’m staying here another week. Then I leave to do some touring with the band and then I’m going on a trip.” He turned away from her to work on making her drink.

“Ooh, where?” she asked, eyes on his back muscles. Lucky for her, he wore a tight shirt today. But she made herself look away.

“London, for a week anyway. My mom is going to be there over the holiday season. She’s an ambassador and we decided to meet up while she’s on vacation there. We’ll stay long enough to see the New Years’ Eve fireworks display before going to a concert in Berlin.”

“Oh. That’s nice.” Rey would kill to have someone important like that having her visit them overseas. Ben sounded like a spoiled brat, but she knew she shouldn’t be mad at him just because he had it better than her. He didn’t ask to have wealthy parents as much as she didn’t ask for deadbeat ones, after all. “So you’ll be there a while?”

“Well, yeah.” Ben still had his back to her. “I haven’t seen my mom in...over ten years. We have a lot of catching up to do. A lot’s happened since we last saw each other.”

“My biologicals are originally from England,” she said. “It...probably explains my weird accent.”

He set her drink on the counter and the corners of his mouth turned up a bit.

“I don’t think it’s weird at all. It’s...unique. And I mean that in the positive way.”

“You should bring me back a souvenir or something,” she said, not really meaning it. But it seemed Ben took her seriously because he nodded after a couple seconds.

“Sure. I can do that.”

“Fuck’s sake, I was kidding, man,” she laughed, amused at how quickly he just jumped on that. It embarrassed her but also warmed a small part of her that Ben would want to buy her something without question. It felt like he really cared.

“Well, I wasn’t.” His smile grew. He was about to leave to go do some cleaning but turned back to her before he did. “I forgot to ask you what you’re doing for break.”

“Oh...work. Chill. Not much.” Deep down she hoped maybe, just maybe he might invite her to hang out with him and Rose, or maybe even tag along on a trip with him. Were they close enough for that? Did he think of her as a ‘friend’ or just the awkward kid who always bugged him at the coffee shop?

_ Oh shit, does Ben even think of me as a friend…? _

“Have fun, then,” he told her instead.

_ Dammit. _

Rey just shrugged it off. Today, instead of hanging around the coffee shop while she drank her beverage, she just left with it.

 

~~

 

What should have been a pleasant break from school became Rey’s hell. A living hell of nothingness.

When you’re shut in a small room with eggshell walls, no decor, no roommate, and no electronics like a TV or a radio for background noise, and you stay in there for days on end, only leaving to buy a sandwich or a bag of chips from the nearest gas station, or drag your ass to work, and you ignore the very few friends you made here...it starts to fuck with your head.

_ Really  _ fucks with your head.

She had so looked forward to seeing her first snowfall. And it was just as beautiful as she knew it would be.

But when she woke up to the world blanketed in white, nothing in her wanted to run out in the snow and dance and laugh, just like she had imagined she would in her dreams. Instead she just stared at it. Instead of enjoying the snow, Rey thought that it made the world look like a blank canvas. An empty place with no color or creativity. In a sense, it made the world look exactly how she felt.

So that made her first encounter with northern winter weather really fucking disappointing.

All Rey had to pass the time was her laptop and her phone. She would wake up around noon still in yesterday’s clothes and finish off the energy drink she had left standing beside the bed the previous night. Then she might scroll through social media a couple hours on her phone before she couldn’t take the hunger pains. Her meals were all frozen packets or instant rice or the like, nothing that tasted actually good to her or had any real nutrition. She’d take forever to nibble on it, or maybe just scarf it down, then toss the paper plate on a growing pile of trash that was starting to stink up the whole place.

If she wanted to maybe she could actually cook, but that took too much work, too much effort. Besides, she didn’t deserve the taste of a nice, healthy, hot meal made from scratch. She  _ deserved _ to eat shitty microwave dinners and stale chips and the like.

Then she would go to work if she had picked up a shift that day, not even bothering to brush her hair or put on clean clothes. Otherwise, she might take a nap she didn’t need, scroll on the Internet some more, masturbate, cut herself again, then debate whether it was worth going to the coffee shop in the off chance Ben had returned from his vacation yet.

When she slept, Rey had constant nightmares. Sometimes they were scrambled together up from the scattered memories of her biological parents--all the times she’d be unable to sleep at night as a toddler because of their drunken fights and parties. All the times her father beat her and her mother screamed at her, hair pulling and slapping and hitting and even kicking. Sometimes they were about all the kids who bullied at her school. And sometimes they were conjured up out of things she feared would happen. One recurring dream took inspiration from a scene in the Disney animated film of Cinderella. Only it was people with empty faces instead of the sisters, and Rey was Cinderella, and they were ripping away her dress and hair to expose the ugly, hairy, masculine  _ boy  _ underneath it all. Other times they forced her into a costume in which she couldn’t see or move, and all she could do was scream for help that never came.

But in most nightmares, she watched herself slowly drown from the shore and the scariest part was she could not even be bothered to save herself. When she woke up from the worst ones, she would cut some more, which never helped in the long run.

After a couple weeks, the dorm began to smell bad. As in way, way worse than usual kind of bad that accompanies all male college dorms. The sheets were unwashed. Her dirty clothes lay in a wrinkly pile. The dirty dishes had bits of mold forming on them. Old tissues sticky with cum and toilet paper stained with blood surrounded the bed. The smell got worse each day and she noticed it most when she got off work. But then again, she didn’t deserve to live in sanitary conditions. This was her life now.

Days began to overlap in her mind. She started to lose track of what day it was, what time it was. Daylight or lack thereof in the room was the only thing that kept her sane. And it went on like that for four weeks straight.

One day, one of her coworkers even pulled her aside and asked if she was doing okay. Rey was left to wonder why... until she saw her reflection later that night while brushing her teeth. She looked like hell. Her hair was getting greasy and tangled. Her skin looked clammy and pale, like she was sick. There were bags under her eyes.

But she didn’t look nearly as bad as how she felt.

  
  


~~

 

Ben swallowed hard as he approached where Leia was waiting for him at the airport.

It stunned him, seeing her in person after all this time. Sure he had seen many pictures of her, keeping in contact with her on Facebook, Instagram, and the like, and of course seeing the official photos published on the news of her. But those always showed her with lots of makeup and looking her best for the public. Now, seeing how his mom had aged in the past several years, the way she looked weaker in some ways yet stronger in others...it hit him like a kick to the stomach.

Tears were in her eyes too. Ben had had no idea how their reunion would end up, but as he walked up to her he found himself dropping his luggage at his sides and pulling her into a hug. His mom was just over five feet tall, and Ben--ever since he came out as trans--blessed every star in the heavens that he got his dad’s genes that made him a whopping 6’2”. But even now as he hugged her, he did not feel any bigger than her.

Leia did not have to do anything other than walk in the room to make a giant feel small in her presence. She was just that type of person.

They hugged for at least a whole minute without saying a word before Ben pulled away and looked at her. She looked at him. Both of them taking the moment to study each other’s faces. Then, after brushing his cheek ever so slightly, Leia said something about the car waiting outside. Numbly, Ben grabbed his luggage and followed her. They got in their ride and sat together in the backseat. Ben braced his hands on his knees.

“So...it’s been a while,” he said. Then wanted to kick himself.

“It’s been way too long, Ben.” She turned to him. “We have a lot to talk about.”

Ben mentally skimmed all the inevitable conversation topics. His dad. The divorce. His high school years. His transition. His mom’s job. And all the stuff moms with cisgender sons get to talk about like school and romance and hopes and dreams. No shit, there was a lot. He took a deep breath and glanced out the window at the scenery of the city. It had been some years since he was in London and he remembered liking it a lot here.

“I agree, Mom. Lots to catch up on…”

“How about we start off by going to dinner and having a nice time?” She smiled at him, and he could not help but smile back. His mom had always had a very contagious smile. “The heavier conversations can wait a bit. Let’s just be mother and son like anybody else.”

Ben wanted to cry but held it in. No. No emotional breakdowns right now. They were just another mother and son on a trip together.

“Sounds good to me.”

During the drive to the hotel, Ben’s mind wandered while he talked about how school was going. As he listed off his classmates and clubs he was involved in, Rian Jakku popped in his head. And even after the conversation moved onto other things, he kept thinking about that kid. Rian, the boy who always had just enough cash for coffee and broke out bad all over his face whenever he shaved. He made awkward jokes with obscure references and carried way too much in his backpack and lit up at the most unexpected times. Ben felt like Rian was the kind of guy who wasn’t sure where he fit in so he tried to fit in everywhere at the same time. And consequently fit in nowhere. Poor guy.

_ Wonder how he’s doing... _ Ben wondered.

Rian had mentioned some pretty fucked up stuff at the party the other day. Stuff about parents, alcohol, and PTSD, stuff that made Ben feel like shit for inviting him to a party that involved drinking. But even with that, Rian seemed like he tried so hard to make the people around him laugh. Even if he looked so uncomfortable all the time. Always rubbing at his chin, adjusting his clothes, like he constantly itched.

Ben suddenly had the thought of texting the guy. Just to make sure Rian was doing all right and enjoying his winter break. It couldn’t hurt, could it? Hopefully Rian wasn’t intimidated by random texts from people he didn’t do too well.

Before he could have a second thought about it, Ben had pulled out his phone and found Rian’s number on his list.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Brief mention of stuff about depression, self-harm, divorce, and coming out to parents.
> 
> More Ben/Kylo backstory!!

Rey woke up to the sound of her phone going off. She thought it might be Finn or Poe messaging her again to ask if she wanted to hang out. Her apartment looked especially bleak and dull. It was almost nine in the morning but the sky was overcast, plus she had covered one of the windows with a drape to block out the light.

After just lying there several minutes debating if she should even bother looking, she finally picked it up.

It was from Ben.

_ “How’s break going?” _

Rey frowned. Ben hadn’t texted her since the party over a month ago. She had almost begun to assume he had forgotten about her completely. Or just stopped caring.

It took her a few minutes to reply, her fingers shaky. Her mouth felt dry and her head hurt, and her body felt a general ‘ickiness’ all over. She knew it was from dehydration and lack of nutrients from how shitty her diet had been lately, since when she did eat it was just carbs and sugar. But she couldn’t be bothered to get some fresh fruit or plain water. She didn’t deserve it.

_ “Going okay. Just chilling a lot. You?” _

Ben’s reply arrived quickly. Rey found herself doing the math in her head and figured out it must be around five in the afternoon, if Ben was still in London right now.

_ “Busy, haha. You didn’t show up at the coffee shop for a whole week so I wondered if you went on a trip or if you were doing all right.” _

Something stirred in Rey. It was just a little thing, nothing too serious. But the fact that Ben had not only noticed her absence, but checked up on her because of it…

Tears rushed to her eyes before she realized it had happened. And then her throat ached. And suddenly her vision turned cloudy.

The bed shook as she sobbed into her pillow. What the fuck was wrong with her? Why did this slightest taste of attention bring her crashing down so hard? But she couldn’t stop crying. Ben had  _ thought _ of her. Maybe was even worried for her. Was she crying because it felt so good to be recognized, or did it hurt because of how much she felt she didn’t deserve it?

Finally, she texted him back.

_ “No, just staying on campus.” _

She cried some more when he texted back a couple minutes later.

_ “You ok?” _

Rey wanted to lie so badly. She wanted to just tell him she was fine. It would have been so easy. Hell, she had been lying to Finn and Poe all these months so they wouldn’t regret chipping in on her college tuition.

But as she reached for her phone again, Rey found herself unable to do that. It was a funny feeling, like Ben would know she was lying if she did. Or that he already knew the truth and she had to be the one to admit it out loud.

_ “Honestly, I’m not doing so great.”  _ She hesitated, then added more.  _ “Been cooped up. Depressed.”  _ Yes, she had actually said the d-word.

_ “Do you want to talk about it?” _

_ “Not over text…” _

_ “Understandable. You should try to get out of the dorm then. Text someone to hang out.” _

She sighed and buried her face in the pillow again. That was the last thing she wanted to do. A few minutes of silence, then her phone blinked with more texts from Ben.

_ “I’m serious...if you’re depressed, being cooped up will make it worse. I’d invite you to hang out if I wasn’t still in London haha. But trust me man, I’ve been there too. Don’t feed your demons.” _

_“Ok fine haha. Thanks dude,”_ she texted, wishing she didn’t have to call him that anymore. Funny enough, as soon as Rey messaged Finn and told her she was free all day, he replied in minutes.

_ “Sweet! Come on over and we can play Xbox Live. We still have lots of leftovers from the New Years Eve party and could use a hand getting rid of them!” _

She got up and forced herself into the shower. She turned the knob as far over to ‘hot’ as she could without causing physical damage to her skin. Aside from where her cuts stung like hell, the water felt so good, like she was scrubbing the self-loathing off her body. For a long while she just stood under it, breathing in the steam as if it could cleanse her whole system. Afterward she put on clean clothes and even brushed her hair. Then on her way out to the car she stopped at the vending machine and bought two water bottles. Just before leaving, she texted Ben a quick ‘thank you.’

  
~

 

Once at Finn and Poe’s place, Rey couldn’t lie to them any longer. Not about this tidbit of her life, anyway.

It didn’t take many rounds of video games before Rey confessed how depressed she was. Telling them that enough was hell on her, resulting in heavy tears and a near panic attack. Through her tears she rolled up her sleeves and showed them where she had been cutting herself, all the crisscrossing lines, some still scabbed and others now faint white lines dancing all over her skin.

She couldn’t imagine what it would be like coming out as transgender to them, if she ever did.

But they took the news well. There were hugs. Reassurances. Finn brought over a box of Kleenex and let her cry it all out until she was done. Poe gave her glasses of water to rehydrate with, and even checked all her newest cuts to make sure they were healing okay. All of it felt odd being paired with the decorations from the two holidays still hanging around--holidays Rey had isolated herself completely from this year.

Of course, even with her full time job, Rey couldn’t afford to go to a therapist for treatment, so Finn set up a bunch of self-help resources for her to try. That included steps in meditation, socialization, diet, and exercise. Which he explained wouldn’t cure depression, but would help her be able to cope with it until she could professional help. Poe made a list of healthy, affordable meals she could start with. They both made her swear up and down to download an app that would count her daily steps and text them screenshots so she could show she was doing a bit of exercising. With that they played more video games, talked about lighter topics, and had a big meal until Rey went home for the night. Still feeling like shit, but at least she was a socialized, bathed, well-fed piece of shit.

Later, at about 2:00 AM, Ben texted her yet again.

_ “Did you get out of the dorm?” _

She smiled a little as she texted back. She was still wide awake of course since college had fucked up her sleep schedule. But she was happy to see his message.

_ “I did, Yeah. Thanks. I needed that push :) ” _

_ “Want to talk more after winter break?” _

She texted back a thumbs up and shut off her phone after that. It was the first good night’s sleep she had in weeks, possibly months.

  
~

 

Ben put down his phone as his mother returned to the table. They were having breakfast at one of her favorite restaurants in the city. As usual, Ben had wanted a booth or table in the far back away from the main crowds. Luckily now that Christmas and New Years were out of the way things seemed to quiet down and there weren’t a whole lot of people here, which worked out fine for Ben since he had forgotten his anti-anxiety medication at the hotel anyway.

“Hey, I thought we agreed no texting other people while we’re together,” she teased as she sat down.

He smiled a little. They both knew with their lines of work that these days it was essentially impossible for either of them to go for long without checking their phones. It was the way the world worked now. If he had it his way, Ben wouldn’t have a phone at all. It made communication much easier, but he didn’t like how quickly they had progressed from luxury to necessity. And he still found texting awkward. Never got into social media until he had to just to keep the band going.

“Sorry. This classmate I’m kind of concerned about.” When she gave him the nod to continue, he added, “Well, not exactly a classmate...same school but we don’t share any classes. But he’s been to the group once. He’s kind of struggling.”

“I see. Is he…?”

_...like you?”  _ was the unspoken question. “Like you.” Another one of those transgender people. Another kid I want to understand but never will and whose transition probably fucked up my marriage more than I’ll ever admit. Ben bit his lip.

“No. Well...I don’t know. He says he’s questioning. Whatever he’s dealing with, I just had the urge the other day to text him and ask how he’s doing.” Their beverages arrived and Leia blinked at his.

“Did you order a screwdriver? It’s barely ten AM.”

“Uh, I’m on vacation. Fuck it.” He laughed.

Leia rolled her eyes and sipped from her coffee.

“You know...your father has been emailing me lately. He wants to know how you’re doing,” she said abruptly. And once she said it Ben realized she had been waiting all this time to say it until she accepted there would never be a right time to say it at all.

Nevertheless, he grabbed at his drink and made a show of taking a long, hearty sip. Leia sighed as she watched him.

“What did you tell him?” he asked bluntly.

“I told him he should ask you directly and not use me to get to you.”

“Good answer,” Ben muttered. “I’m guessing he stopped messaging you after that.”

Leia nodded and glanced away. She had not brought up her ex-husband in front of Ben for a long time.

In fact, Ben had not thought about his father in a long time, either.

He didn’t hate Han. But he was not going to forgive him anytime soon, for a lot of reasons.

When their marriage really began to unravel, Ben had been in boarding school at the time. Sent off there because his teachers from grade school informed Han and Leia that he was an ‘especially gifted student,’ and should be educated at a place designed for students of his level of intellect. So off he went, only seeing his parents on a weekend here and there, for holidays, and the summer. His mother had never been good at long-distance communication, and only wrote him about medical things--the doctor requesting a follow-up for his blood tests, his testosterone prescriptions needing a request for a refill, and so on. It went on like that for years. Around his junior year of high school, Leia finally started emailing him instead of sending typed out letters in the mail, thank the gods. And one particular email arrived right around the same time Professor Snoke, one of the teachers at the boarding school, started inviting Ben over to his house to show him his extensive libraries and teach him the things ‘they’re not supposed to teach you in those stuffy old classrooms.’

_ “Han and me are getting a divorce. We’ll wait to sign the papers until you’re 18 so we don’t have to worry about joint custody. Please be prepared for that when you come home for the summer.” _

And that was it. That was how he found out his parents had been pretending their marriage was fine all those years. That was how his mother prepared him for the trips to the courtroom, the fights, the screaming, and the many times Han would tell Ben that if he had just stayed a so-called ‘normal girl’ everything would have been fine.

“Mom...I…”

“I’m going to say it first.” Leia grabbed her son’s hand. She looked at him directly, her lower lip quivering, like she was about to unravel. “I handled it poorly. I was battling my own demons at the time you came out to us. I didn’t know how to help you and I was getting mixed up with the wrong people. But that’s no excuse, and I know that. I didn’t know how else to tell you about me and Han at the time…” She took his hand in both of hers and squeezed gently. “I know it’s too little too late, but…I’m so sorry, Ben.”

Ben had promised himself he would not shed a single tear while visiting his mom in London, but he realized how he was getting real close to breaking that promise. He nodded carefully, conscious of how he appeared to his mom right now. Before he could stop himself, he stood up, walked over to her side of the table, and pulled her into a hug.   
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Hope you are enjoying the story so far :D
> 
> Since this is a story with very LGBT centric themes I thought I would announce that a week ago I GOT TOP SURGERY DONE!!! Woot woot!! I've been away from work recovering which also means I've been getting quite a bit of writing done in this fic!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No CW or TW's for this chapter. This is a lighthearted one

The next week, Rey put more effort into eating better and cleaning the dorm, thanks to daily motivational texts from Poe. Every morning he sent her a reminder to eat something healthy for breakfast, which meant she had to get some fruit and protein in her system. Right now she stuck to apples, oranges, and healthy granola bars. In addition to checking in on how she was eating, Poe also texted her to make sure she had cleaned something in the dorm, even if it just meant throwing out a few pieces of trash lying on the floor; it was better than nothing. Poe always finished off his texts with a thumbs up or ok hand emoji to make it seem friendlier, a reminder that he was doing it to help her, not make her feel bad about herself.

The two boys annoyed her a lot but she knew she needed the extra help. And she appreciated it. Poe was becoming more like a big brother to her every day. The kind of older brother she could have really used growing up.

Now all she needed was to become his little sister.

Ben texted her once he was back from his winter break trip. The first day he returned to work at the coffee shop, Rey headed in to get some hot tea to drink. She noticed immediately that Ben had a new tattoo on his forearm. It was of a grey and black penny-farthing with a couple red and blue accents. His hair was a bit longer too, and Rey felt really weird that she had noticed that.

“Hey!” She smiled genuinely when she walked up to the counter, teeth still chattering. Damn, these weren’t like the winters she had had growing up.

Ben looked up at her and smiled back.

“Hey, Rian. Usual for today?”

“Actually, I want to try the hot cinnamon spice today.” Rey rubbed her hands together, relieved that the coffee shop was nice and warm.

“Oh. Something new for the new semester?” He asked as he got the hot water ready in a mug.

“Trying to be healthier. Frappuccino’s are the fucking best but man, all the sugar and calories…” She wanted one so bad, in all honesty, but she knew she had to take it easy on them. Poe’s orders. Maybe she would just have one a couple times a week instead of nearly every day.

“What the fuck,” Ben said, almost in a laugh.

Rey frowned.  
“I’m sorry…?” she asked as she shoved the last of her change in the tip jar, eyes still exploring his new tattoo. It was more finite with the details than his other tattoos, and she wanted to ask why she got it.

“I don’t see any reason you’d be cutting back on sugar and calories, is all. There’s literally no fat on your body,” he said. “Well, none that shouldn’t be there, I guess I should say.”

His tone was blunt but Rey found herself blushing all the same. Did he just...compliment her body…?

“More so I can think straighter and feel better. Not to necessarily lose weight. My diet kind of went to shit over winter break.” She shrugged. She saw a look of understanding skim over Ben’s eyes as he set her mug of hot tea on the counter.

“Well, in that case, here’s to a healthier semester. Cheers.”

“Yeah. Ch-cheers.” She shivered involuntarily before taking a sip from her tea. “Yumm.” She was about to say something else but a group of four soccer moms walked in, all looking like they would need help from the cute barista to decide what they really wanted to order. Ben adjusted his apron as the women approached. While they gathered around the cash register and began arguing over whose treat it would be, Rey slinked away. She picked her usual spot on the corner of the sofa and got to work reading up on her new chapter assignments for school. She ended up becoming so focused on it that she forgot to ask Ben about his new tattoo.

  
~

 

A few days later, as she was walking across campus after class, Rey noticed a group of students running around in one of the big open areas. She was shivering; the winter coat she bought from Goodwill was not near enough to warm her Southern blood. In some places the coat had worn a bit thin so that didn’t help either. Her hood was pulled as far over her head as it could but her ears and nose had already turned red.

Today was especially cold. Fifteen degrees.

Everything hurt. Her face hurt, her fingers and toes hurt, her feet hurt. Rey quietly cursed the slightest gust of wind as she walked, hands shoved deep in her pockets. It was still late morning so the sun had not reached its peak where it could start at least pretending things were a bit warmer.

It was so miserably cold that Rey had begun questioning why she traveled so far north and why she couldn’t just go to a school down South where she didn’t have to suffer this much. The snow sure was pretty, and she did like seeing it. But once the initial high of seeing snow for the first time wore off, she started to realize how miserable the cold could be. All she wanted right now was to curl up with a blanket and hot tea and not go back outside until she could see the grass again.

Before she could go too far down that path of negativity, however, she took another glance one of the college students who was playing. He was very tall, wearing a black coat, a dark beanie, and a gray scarf. It was Ben. As far off as he was, the distinctive facial features and how goddamn tall he was gave him away.

Rey stopped walking to watch what he was doing.

As she stood there, knees locked and lips stinging from dire need of chapstick, she watched Ben grab a handful of snow and pack it together until it formed a sphere shape. Then he chucked it at one of the other students. It hit them on the shoulder and they shouted something at Ben as they grabbed at more snow and threw it back at him. A snowball fight. Rey had only seen those in movies and television commercials. She had never understood the point of it as being hit with snow must be painful and miserable.

Ben turned and saw her where she stood. Rey blushed and was about to hurry off, but it was too late. Ben grinned and waved at her.

“Rian! We need reinforcements!”

It took Rey a few moment to register that he was inviting her to join them. She kept her knees locked and all that came out were stammers.

“I, uh...I’m good?”

The other students had paused the snowfall fight. Now that she had more time to study them, she recognized Snap Wexley from the LGBT+ Club, as well as Paige, Rose’s sister. Ben began walking over to her. She saw that he had snow on his coat and all over his gloves. He was grinning like a little kid, something she had not seen him to up until now.

“Come on, Rian, it’ll be fun.”

Rey frowned, hating that she was on the spotlight now. Ben’s smile faded the longer she took to reply.

“I’m...really cold. Still not used to all this snow,” she finally confessed.

Ben’s eyes softened with realization. She could see the moment it clicked for him and he remembered,  _ Oh, right, this guy is from the deep South and this is his first Northern winter ever. He must be miserable right now. No wonder he doesn’t want to.  _ But even so he stood a little straighter and held out his hand to her.

“It’ll be fun...trust me.”

Rey swallowed, then nodded. After another pause, she took his hand.

“As soon as you start getting used to the cold you’ll love it,” Ben said as he led her over to where the others were waiting for the game to resume.

“I don’t know about that but okay,” Rey said with a nervous laugh.

Ben took a few minutes to show her how to make the perfect snowball. How to pack it just right so that it didn’t fall apart when you threw it, but would explode when it hit the target.

“We’re playing by points. One for the torso, two for limbs, two for the face. Yell out your points when they come and keep count of how many points you get. When we’re all too bushed we just count up all our team’s points.”

“Simple. I dig it,” she said as she practiced making a snowball.

“You can make em bigger. Pack more snow in…yeah, like that.”

When Rey had made a few more Ben signaled the other students they were ready. Rey aimed the snowball and threw it at Paige, intending to miss, and she did by a couple feet. To her right, Ben was grinning as he chucked snowballs at Snap Wexley. At first the others didn’t seem to aim for her much since she was taking longer to make her icy weapons. But within several minutes, as Rey got to making them faster, she found she had to dodge the snowballs being thrown her way. Ben was getting really into it, grunting and shouting with frustration whenever he took a hit and laughing at anyone he managed to hit. Rey kept watching him, how his dark hair glistened with half melted snowflakes. His nose was red and his cheeks were very flushed, and he was breathing hard.

Rey had to fight down her naughty thoughts, but yes, she went to  _ Gods I bet Rose seems him like that a lot....wow, Rey, you’re disgusting.  _ She went to her knees to scoop up some more snow and pack it. This time she wanted to see how big of a snowball she could make. While she was doing that, Paige saw Rey was distracted and got her good.

The weapon hit her right in the middle of her chest. Snow sprayed up, sprinkling Rey’s neck, her cheeks, her mouth, and her eyes. At first all she could do was stand there, stiff, in a bit of shock from the sudden cold and the fact that she had been hit. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ben stop and look at her, wary that the blow had been too much for a Southern kid’s first time playing in the snow.

But it didn’t bother her. In fact, it was liberating. It woke her up, made the cold that once felt miserable feel suddenly... _ fun _ .

Then Rey smiled and threw one right back at Paige, getting her good on the shoulder. The more Rey was throwing snowballs, the more she got into it. Starting to feel the rush of the game and getting excited. She began to sweat under her coat, not realizing how moving this much was starting to help her warm up.

By the time they had all grown too tired to throw anymore, Rey was laughing uncontrollably. She had forgotten how cold she was, how her toes and fingers and nose hurt like hell. She didn’t mind that she was freezing and the snow had soaked her boots and socks. In fact the constant anxiety and dysphoria had even made their way to the back of her mind, to the point she didn’t even have to think about them right now. The group gathered in a circle, hands in their pockets to warm them, making jokes about how got hit the most and who was the coldest. Ben’s team won, but only by a few points.

“Supposed to get another few inches of snow tonight,” Paige said to them as they huddled around. “I’m gonna make as many snowmen as I can. Anyone want to help?”

“I’m down. As long as all of them are of a somewhat inappropriate nature,” said Ben. Paige punched him lightly on the arm. “We’re doing this again and next time we’re building forts,” he added with a grin.

Everyone agreed with him and with that started to leave so they could go dry off and go about their days. As they gradually departed, Rey looked up at Ben and giggled.

“That was so much fun! Way more fun than I thought it would be.”

“See? All you had to do was give it a try.” Ben shrugged. “Now we just need to get you to learn how to skate so you can play hockey with us. You’d be really good.”

“One cherry at a time, northerner.” She laughed. “Anyway, not bad for my first snowfall fight ever, I think. But now I really gotta get back to my dorm. I’m soaked.”

“Get dry and warm soon as you can, dude. Don’t want to catch a cold,” Ben replied.

Rey shrugged that off with a snort.

“I don’t get sick, man. My immune system is  _ fine _ .” She made the peace sign with both hands.

“Okay, just warning you.” Ben smiled a bit. “Well, see you around.”

“See ya! And thanks again!” Rey took off, still all smiles, now shaking not from the cold but from the adrenaline pumping through her veins. Where she had started the day hating the snow, now she loved it. She wanted to play in it every day for the rest of the winter.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that's just how I like my pancakes - light and fluffy! ^^
> 
> And noooo this is tooootally not because we got some hard-hitting angst coming up in the near future, absolutely not at all no sirreee.... ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Misgendering/deadnaming of Rey from someone else's perspective (again, because they don't know she's trans, not to intentionally harm her).

Sure enough, Rey woke up the next morning feeling like she had been hit by a truck.

To start with, her body couldn’t decide if it was hot or cold. Her nose had turned into a waterfall for gross snot, making her philtrum and upper lip area very sore and stinging. Her throat was dry and hurting too. And on top of all that her head pounded.

“Fuck you, immune system,” she muttered before coughing hoarsely. Rey grabbed her phone and texted Ben without thinking about it.

 _“Dude your snowball fight made me sick as hell XD you ass”_ she typed, then sent. Hoping he’d take it lightly and that he wouldn’t mind if she texted him at random. After that she put in her boss’ phone number and called into work for the first time. Rey didn’t even want to get out of bed, much less go to work. Luckily she must have sounded _really_ sick because her boss told her,

“Hey Rian, man, it’s okay. You haven’t missed a single day the past several months you’ve been here, so I trust you. If you’re really too sick to work, then don’t work. You sound like you swallowed a frog.”

“I feel like I swallowed a horse,” she said, trying to laugh, then once she thanked him again for understanding, she hung up, grateful that she had survived that horrible depression spell over winter break by still showing up to work. For a little while Rey just lay there only thinking about how much her body hurt all over. Part of her instantly went to thinking _That’s what you get for trying to have a little fun and then not drying yourself off fast enough, you fucking idiot--_ but that train was cut off when her phone went off, indicating a text from Ben.

_“Shit dude i’m sorry. Can me or Rose grab you anything?”_

Rey had to read the text again to be sure she got it right the first time. The thought of being ‘nursed to health’ by Ben or Rose made her think it would be real embarrassing. It was her own fault she got sick, anyhow. Besides, it wasn’t like she deserved to be babied by either of them.

But finally, in spite of how much Rey hated people pitying her, she finally broke. If only so she could see Ben today.

_“Yeah sure. Cold medicine and something for my throat and headache would be great dude :) thanks”_

_“I’m almost done with homework, then I’ll run to the store. I can bring you tea and chicken soup too. Do you have enough Kleenex?”_

_“I always got plenty of those, haha.”_ Rey bit her lip after sending that slightly naughty text. What would Ben think of that? What would that tell him about her? He probably thought she was a creepy, gross little pervert boy now.

 _“Lol, same,”_ was Ben’s casual reply. _“Anything else you can think of you’d like?”_

_“I don’t know, anything else you know is a good cure-all for a nasty cold I guess.”_

_“Be there within the hour.”_

Rey put her phone down and tried to rest, but she was way too miserable to fall asleep right now. So she ended up pulling up her laptop on the table beside her bed and started up a random tv show on Netflix to distract her. She didn’t even like it but couldn’t be bothered to look for something more interesting. Laying there with nothing to do but stare at her computer was nothing short of misery.

 

~ 

 

About forty minutes later, Ben arrived at Rian’s dorm and knocked on the door. He held the bag of goodies under his arm. His hair was still a bit of a disarray from wearing his motorcycle helmet the whole way here. Yes, his friends didn’t understand how he could keep riding his bike all winter long. No, he didn’t give a shit what people thought. He’d never stop biking as long as the thing still ran.

“Door’s unlocked,” he heard Rian croak out from inside.

Ben opened the door. Rian sat up a bit, a halo of crumpled tissues surrounding him on the bed. The poor guy looked so miserable. A bit of guilt seeped in since Rian wasn’t entirely wrong in that Ben had caused him to get sick in the first place.

“I got your stuff.” Ben walked in and set the bag on the small table, between a single white candle (open flames were not allowed on campus) and the box of tissues. “Pain and fever relief, both daytime and PM, congestion relief, vaseline, chicken soup, ginger tea, cough drops, yogurt, honey and lemon juice.”

“Woah...what are the honey and juice for?”

“Boil water, add those two. I always do that when I get sick.” Ben opened the medicine packs and out a few pills for Rian. “While I’m here I can heat you up some tea and soup if you want.”

Rian blinked up at him, as if bewildered.

“Why are you being so nice to me? It’s just a cold. I’m not dying or anything.”

Ben shrugged. Since Rian hadn’t answered his question he just took that as a yes. In Rian’s mess of few kitchen supplies he found a clean mug, filled it with water, and put it in the microwave. Ben was an avid supporter of only heating water on the stove, but these dorms didn’t have one. You had to pay a lot more rent to get a kitchen.

“I kind of feel it’s my fault you’re sick. Since I dragged you into that snowball fight yesterday.” _And,_ he mentally added, _I just have the feeling that you don’t have a lot of people in your life to help you when you need it. And if you do have them, you’d never ask for it._

“Oh. But it was fun!” Rian sneezed into his hands, then groaned with pain. “Fuck, my sinuses are on fire…”

“When was the last time you even got sick?” Ben teased. While the water heated up he poured some soup into a bowl.

Rian reached for his water bottle and took a big gulp to wash down his medicine. Then he wiped his nose, wincing from the pain. Ben handed him the tub of vaseline.

“I dunno. I must have been real little. I never get fucking sick.” Rian sulked as he applied the vaseline.

“Then I should probably remind you that you need to drink a lot of fluids, and avoid caffeine.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not my fucking mother,” Rian laughed, then he coughed hoarsely, wincing again. When they were ready Ben brought over the tea and soup.

“Eat up, you big germ.” Ben glanced around Rian’s living space for a moment, noticing the piles of clothing and the stack of college textbooks on the floor. He remembered his first semester, when he lived in one of these dorms. He was so happy to be off-campus after that, with his own space and everything.

“Screw you too.” Rian smiled a bit before he took a sip of the hot tea. “Oh shit...that feels good on my throat.” He closed his eyes for a few moments and curled his toes.

“Just keep your sick ass in bed until you’re better.” Ben lightly kicked the foot of the bed in jest. “So, got a good watchlist of stuff to binge on Netflix?”

Rian shook his head. Ben motioned if he could take a look at Rian’s laptop. When he saw all the crumbs and dust on the keyboard and greasy fingerprints on the screen, he shuddered. Ben wouldn’t call himself a ‘germaphobe’ but sometimes it could really set off his anxiety. He was able to restrain himself from wiping it down however. He started browsing the possible shows and movies Rian might like.

“Any preference?”

“Uh...give me something I haven’t seen before. But nothing too smart or fast-paced. Nothing you have to, like, pay attention to.”

“Sure, yeah.” Ben ended up finding a few things for him. “There. You’re all set.”

“I hope I don’t get you sick,” Rian sulked, holding a tissue to his red nose. He looked so small and helpless curled up in bed like that. And yeah, it was because he was really sick. But Ben had a small thought that maybe he should stay and chat if Rian wasn’t ready to fall asleep yet. Maybe Rian could use some company.

“I’ll be fine. Hey, by the way...how’s the depression stuff?” As soon as he said it Ben wanted to roll his eyes at himself.

“Um...I’m okay. Couple friends helping out.”

“Good. That’s good...friends are good.” _Ugh, and I brought this up...why? It was just a conversation over text. Yeah, it was about something pretty serious, but it’s not like we’re super close and he’s told me about everything that’s going on. Rian probably feels like I’m pushing him._

“Yeah. These two guys Finn and Poe have been helping me. Making sure I eat good and can talk to them if I’m having a bad day. It’d be nice if I could…” Rian paused to blow his nose. It made a very loud trumpeting-ish sound and Ben tried not to smile. Somehow everything this kid did, he found cute in a way. Even though it was nothing more than admiration--and _maybe_ physical attraction--he still felt guilty for feeling that. “...it’d be nice if I could get a doctor or some pills to help. But you gotta do what you gotta do.”

“Your job won’t help cover medical expenses?”

“Nope. I’m part time.” He sighed. “Oh well. Maybe someday.”

“Yeah. Maybe someday. Just do what you can until then for your mental health. Friends aren’t therapists but it’s better than being alone.”

Rian looked up at him at that, his expression concealed by the tissue being held to his nose. There was a long, awkward pause in the conversation, before Rian finally spoke up.

“I guess you’re right. Well...I’m gonna try to rest now.”

 _He’s pushing you away. Should have known better than to ask questions like that out of nowhere,_ Ben thought.

“Okay. Well...text me if you need anything else…” Ben headed for the door.

“Thanks again.” Rian smiled shyly at him. Ben nodded then quietly closed the door.

  
~

 

Ben had a stuffy nose and dry throat the next day but that did not really surprise him. Colds were nearly impossible not to catch. He wasn’t sick enough to miss classes or work though and took some medicine to power through the day. Between classes he texted Rian asking if he felt any better, but didn’t get a reply until a couple hours later while he was trying to focus on his paper, sipping on hot tea to soothe his throat.

_“I don’t feel any better today. Snot is pouring from my nose and my sinuses are on fire.”_

_“Liquids and sleep, dude”_

_“I know, MOM, lmao.”_ Shortly after Rian added, _“I’m out of chicken soup:(“_

Ben couldn’t help but smile at that text and sent him one back saying he’d bring some over soon. Once the second draft of his paper was done, he got up and headed to the local grocery store, taking his motorcycle as always. Rose needed ingredients for some recipes they had planned this weekend anyway so it wasn’t out of his way. In public places, Ben did his best to avoid everyone around him unless necessary. He knew he stood out, for a number of reasons. For one being that he was taller than average, a gene from his father he was incredibly lucky to get since many trans men he knew were forever cursed to be short. For another were his many tattoos--which to be fair were a lot more common nowadays but he still got lots of stares mostly from kids and older folk. A third matter was the chance someone might recognize him from being in The Knights of Ren. Which had only happened a handful of times since he put on a lot of makeup and dressed differently when performing as Kylo Ren. But every now and then it still happened. For these reasons he pulled his hood over his head and kept his gaze lowered as he went through the store buying what he needed. At the checkout he grabbed a bottle of iced tea and a protein bar, which were both gone by the time he was back at Rian’s apartment.

Rian still looked real sick. Ben set down his motorcycle helmet and took off his coat.

“Want me to heat it up for you?” he asked, almost calling Rian ‘buddy’ but that seemed a bit too much of…something. Couldn’t put his finger on it.

Rian nodded, his body seemingly pinned to the bed.

“There’s always the one day it gets really bad before it clears up,” Ben said, trying to cheer him up as he fixed Rian his soup. Before he could hold it in, Ben sneezed.

“Did I get you sick?” Rian demanded. When Ben didn’t answer at first that seemed to say enough. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s inevitable. Happens to everyone. Nothing to be sorry about.” Ben shrugged. Sure a cold made keeping up with work and school more of a pain but it could be much, much worse.

“Serves you right for being nice to me,” Rian said, then laughed.

Ben had no idea if he was supposed to laugh along with that joke or not, so he compromised by smiling a bit as he handed Rian his bowl of hot soup.

“I mean, if you want me to be an asshole, just say the word,” he muttered.

“The word.”

“What?”

“You said ‘just say the word’.”

Ben rolled his eyes. _Nerd_.

“You know what? Fuck you for getting me sick, then,” he said with a teasing smile. Ben remembered when he first started his transition, what it was like suddenly having to learn the codes cisgender boys had with friends and potential friends. For most of middle school he thought all the other boys hated him, until he finally figured out that boys in this culture bond by insulting each other and poking fun. It was a code he learned to adapt to but never felt that he 100% spoke fluently, like he was putting on an act instead of just going with the flow. Frankly it annoyed Ben sometimes that men couldn’t just exchange genuine compliments without it looking weird. Not that he’d ever do that and draw even more attention to himself.

“And fuck you for getting me soup from a boring-ass can when I know you could have cooked it yourself, you dick.” Rian smirked. “Oh by the way, how’s Rose?”

“Good, uh, good. Yeah. She’s quarantined me because she refuses to get sick.”

Rian looked down at his steaming bowl. His fingers tapped around it lightly as he sniffled. His square jaw shifted side to side a bit, the gears turning in his head. His slender nose was red and looked really sore, and Ben found himself looking at the dimple right above the left corner of Rian’s mouth.

“When we’re both better maybe we could...you know…”

“Hang out?” Ben guessed, correctly.

“Yeah, sure. To talk about...stuff.” The conversation had taken an awkward turn, fueled by the small snippets of each other’s history mentioned here and there since they met, and Ben didn’t know where to go from here. It was probably a good time to bring up some important news to Rian.

“Well, I did sign up for a program to study abroad overseas here before long, so don’t wait too long,” Ben finally said.

Rian looked up in surprise.

“Woah, overseas? Where?”

“Tour of Italy. Mostly in Rome and Venice.”

“Damn. But...what about Rose?” he asked, brow furrowing with concern.

“Well, there’s Skype and texting. So as long as they have good WiFi in Italy, we should be fine.” He shifted his weight, now feeling weird having brought it up out of nowhere. “Neither of us have had a long distance relationship before but I don’t see any reason it won’t work out.”

“Well good luck. And yeah, let’s hang out before you head out. I’m gonna get some sleep so I can lick this cold faster.” Rian smiled a little.

“Yeah, me too. See you around.”

Ben didn’t leave until Rian said “See you around” too, then gently shut the door.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *inserts shameless reference to HBO's "Girls" in this chapter just because I can*
> 
> A LOT of Ben/Kylo goodness with a siding of angst in this one too!
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has been reading the fic so far and leaving comments! It's such a huge motivation for me to keep going with this story knowing that you enjoy it. Every time I see someone has left a comment I'm filled with so much happiness.
> 
> Seriously, you all are wonderful; your kudos/comments/presence is my fresh cup of coffee. And I hope you like where the fic is going!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Misgendering and deadnaming of two transgender characters. One character expresses blatant transphobia, including use of the T slur. There are two brief mentions of implied abuse.

Ben had been assigned to train the new barista this week, which made him want to flip.

His manager, Christie Phasma, should have figured out a long time ago that Ben was _not_ a people person. Especially when it came to helping them in a work environment. But nope, for some dumb reason, she thought he was the perfect fit for ‘Anne’ or ‘Jess’ or whatever the fuck the new girl’s name was.

But he couldn’t quit his job. He liked working at a locally owned place as opposed to a food chain, for one. For another, he had lots of bills to pay. When his parents offered to give him the funds to finish school, Ben insisted on supporting himself on his own. Call it his own personal journey of self-discovery, needing to be independent, or just needing to ensure his parents didn’t have any control over his life decisions. He wasn’t sure which of those three it was or it there was an overlap. But in any case, he felt the need to get himself through college without their help.

Then again, back when he told them “I don’t need your money,” he thought his new band The Knights of Ren would make it big and become the next Nirvana. Or at the least, develop a strong cult following with religious-like support from the fans, bringing in more than enough money to keep the lights on and then some. Obviously, they weren’t there..yet. But the lack of earnings for their music and gigs meant he had to take the full-time job as a barista. Not that he would mind the coffee aspect. Just the people aspect.

Rian stopped in as usual. It was real slow so Ben was able to chat with him for a bit and lament about his shift tomorrow. They both leaned against the counter while Ben absently sorted bags of tea. Rian was still all sniffly and stuffy and ordered a green chai latte.

“I hate training people. They never listen and you’d think they’ve never handed out change in their whole life. It’s so fucking irritating...” Ben sighed as he fixed Rian’s drink.

Rian was chewing at the end of his hoodie’s sleeve, something he seemed to do a lot. He hunched his shoulders in and blinked up at Ben.

 _So when is this kid going to admit he’s gay?_ Ben could not help but wonder. He may lack all things in social grace, but even he had figured out Rian was crushing on him. It had not become apparent to Ben until the night of the party at his apartment when Rian kept looking him up and down like he was a medium rare steak. _Just come out to me already, dude. I’m safe. You know I’m safe. You don’t have to hide anything._

“True, but when the new girl starts doing super well then you’ll know it was because of you,” Rian said, trying to encourage him. He smiled brightly, like a little kid. “I mean, how much different can it be than helping new people in your LGBT group?”

“That’s different,” he said with a small scowl. “That’s a support group. This is my job.”

“Well, there’s got to be at least a few similarities.” He shrugged. “Just, try to see the best of it. Or tell Ms. Phasma you don’t like training.”

“I _have_. She just thinks I need more practice with it. Plus opening fucking sucks...” He sighed and grabbed a towel to start wiping down counters. “Well, I’ve had my rant for the day. Wish me luck on the new kid.”

“See you around, dude.” Rian gave him a couple finger guns before heading out with his beverage. Ben just smiled and shook his head before waving back. He wanted Rian to just...tell him whatever was going on. But you can’t force things like that. All you can do is show the person you’re available if or when they want to talk about it.

As soon as his shift finished, Ben rushed out the door to his motorcycle. It was his baby, his pride and joy. When he needed to clear his head, Ben loved just taking his motorcycle for long rides away from the city. The city was only a short drive from the coast, and he knew all the highways that went along the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean and cut through the thick forests. It was his favorite time to just exist as himself, and he always came back from those rides with a new song or poem in his head. Must be the smell of the ocean that triggered the creative juices in his brain.

When Ben pulled into work the following morning, he saw the new girl for the first time. A plain looking chick with dirty blonde hair and no makeup, but she seemed pleasant enough. Ben sighed and tied on his apron before approaching her.

“Hey, I’m Ben.”

“Hannah Netal.” She smiled a little. “So, you’re my teacher?”

“Yeah, that’s what they call it.” He took a deep breath. _Just get through the day, one minute at a time_.

“I was a little confused cause I heard you were gonna train me and then the print off showed me with someone named Karina? So that was a little weird…”

 _Dammit, Phasma…_ But he couldn’t blame his manager. It was hell and back to change a name in the system like that after it had already been put in. And sadly he had started working here before he was able to get his name legally changed. Didn’t help that changing his name in the payroll system wasn’t on Phasma’s priority list, since only her and the rare new employees saw it anyway and knew better than to use it.

“Yeah, must have been a mistake. So, let me show you around the back room first so you know where everything is. This your first time at a job like this?”

“Kind of. I’ve worked in fast food before,” she muttered.

He nodded in acknowledgment and pulled out the clipboard listing everything that needed to be done before opening. He was about to start listing them off when Hannah pointed and said,

“Why do I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before?”

“I dunno. I go to the university here and I’m pretty involved in stuff there,” he said, unsure why this sounded so important to her. “And I’m in a local band. We play at bars.”

“Oh, I don’t drink so that couldn’t be it…” She stared at him to the point he started to feel uneasy. Ben opted to ignore it and started listing off all the things they needed to do, when Hannah Netal interrupted yet again. “Oh, I know! You were running one of those booths at the school. My friend goes there...which booth was it? Come on, tell me. It’ll drive me nuts.”

“It was, um....for the LGBT-plus group,” he finally admitted. He wasn’t a big fan of promoting that left and right but at the same time, Ben knew better than anyone that he was terrible at lying. Really, _really_ bad.

Hannah took a few seconds to look him over and, to his dread, he saw the gears turning in her head and she let out a very, very long “Oh” sound.

“I get it...your name’s actually Karina, right? Wow, you look so much like a man I never would have guessed you were one of _those_ people,” she said, almost with a small laugh.

Ben counted to twenty, then shoved the clipboard at her. He couldn’t blow his cap today.

“You know what? We’re not here to talk about personal shit. We’re here to earn a fucking paycheck. So why don’t you go check the dates of all the foods in the freezer and then we’ll get started.” Before she could say anything else he stormed off to tackle the next item on the list.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Hannah wouldn’t keep her mouth shut when the other barista came in to help with customers’ orders as Ben continued training her. He tried to ignore it. Tried to tell himself she would get the hang of it and his first day on the job probably hadn’t been so stellar either. The day took forever to get by, much longer than regular days. He had to show simple things to Hannah three or four times and she wouldn’t ask questions and then mess up.

To put up with it, Ben just did his best to keep cool. Even if it meant doing a special technique where he mentally listed off every color and/or car manufacturer he could think of until he could think straight again. His therapist taught him that last year, and the technique was actually quite effective.

Of course, Rian showed up as he always did between three and four to get a drink. Ben couldn’t take his order since he was showing the new girl how to clean the espresso machine, but they were still able to give a small smile and wave to each other from across the shop.

Every time Ben saw that kid, for some reason, he felt a pang of sympathy. Rian seemed like he was struggling with a lot just under the surface. Of course back when they went out for lunch Ben got bits and pieces of Rian’s story, but still couldn’t figure out what was up. Not that it was his business. But Ben slipped him a free pastry all the same when none of his coworkers were looking. Rian just nodded and hid the pastry in his backpack quickly, then mouthed “thank you.”

But finally his shift ended and the closers came in for the day. Ben headed out back and had a couple cigarettes before heading home. It was his one chance to avoid everybody in his day and relax. No more having to count colors and cars. While he stood there, smoking and mentally unwinding, he heard Hannah talking with a coworker as they were both waiting for the city bus.

“So….is Ben, like, a dyke? Or how does that even work?” Hannah was asking her. “I mean you look at them and think, ‘yeah that’s definitely a dude and he probably has a huge dick,’ and then you realize they’re actually a tranny and it’s like...what a waste, you know?” Hannah laughed to herself, just as the bus pulled up. “I keep picturing that they actually have a vagina and just...it’s so weird.”

_Yellow green red blue brown red red red red red Chevy Toyota Ford Volkswagen fucking hell._

Ben heard his coworker cut Hannah off before she could start talking about how her uncle was gay.

“Okay, Hannah, you need to shut the fuck up. I could write you up for harassment if you were saying this crap on the clock. Just do your job and don’t get in other people’s business.”

“Sorry! Sorry...I’m just confused, that’s all!” she cried.

Ben rolled his eyes and counted off a few more car models. When he was done, he put out his cigarette and hopped on his motorcycle before he could do anything he would regret. All the way home, Ben’s vision was red.

  
~

 

The next day, while Ben was walking through one of the main buildings he noticed a familiar face standing just outside the cafeteria area. As if by sheer coincidence he would see Rian here. Ben felt too shy or awkward to walk over and say ‘hello’ until Rian noticed him first and waved. Today Rian looked a lot better, like his cold was finally behind him.

Ben would not learn until much later that it had not been a coincidence after all. Rian, in due time, would admit he had been hanging out there knowing that Ben would walk by to get to class, in the hopes that they could chat a bit.

“Hey, Ben! Off to class?” Rian blew his nose into a soggy tissue, glancing at Ben’s leather bag carrying his laptop and books.

“Uh, yeah. Just heading that way. You?”

“My class is that way too.”

“Oh, okay. Cool.” Ben moved a little to the right so Rian could walk beside him. “Feeling better?”

“Much better. Cold’s gone. Just gotta get rid of all this junk in my nose.” Rian looked up at him and giggled. A very…‘effeminate’ giggle that made Ben feel shitty for taking that as further proof Rian wasn’t heterosexual.

“That’s good. Real good. Mine’s almost gone too.” Right on cue, Ben sneezed.

“Which class do you have next?” Rian asked next. It seemed forced, like he objectively did not care but wanted to keep the conversation going for some reason.

“Uh, it’s the class on Italian Ancient Classics. The class I’m taking the trip with in a couple weeks.”

“Ohh yeah. That’s going to be super fun. You must be excited.” Rian beamed. “So, uh….you haven’t told me much about this trip. Mind filling a guy in?”

As Ben mumbled out the best reply he could think of, his thoughts wandered. Maybe Rian looked up to him like a big brother and hoped Ben saw him as a little brother? Maybe Rian texted him at random times because he knew since Ben was queer, then he was a safe person to come out to? Assuming Rian wasn’t straight anyway. He might just be looking for a friend. Someone to help him figure out how to get through college. Rian did come here all by himself, after all.

But Ben’s thoughts were interrupted by a second encounter, one that actually _was_ coincidence. A professor with an unkempt beard, an old sweater, and a book that was on the verge of falling apart, was about to walk right into them. Rian surprised him by waving at the older man.

“Hey, Mr. Skywalker,” he said. “Haven’t seen you since the start of winter break.”

Ben looked down at his shoes. Too late to hide his face. Too late to pretend they didn’t see each other. Too late to avoid him. _Ford Chevy Subaru Malibu that one that starts with B that I can’t remember and Mercedes and Toyota..._

Luke Skywalker stopped walking too and looked at them both.

“Hey, Rian,” the older man grunted out.

“How’s classes going?” Rian seemed so oblivious. Did he really not know…?

 _He doesn’t know._ Ben kept his eyes on the floor and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Busy, you know. I’m teaching one of your classes again next year, imagine that. I’m in high demand around here I guess.” The pause took so long and became so awkward that finally Ben couldn’t take it and looked up. Luke and Ben’s eyes met. Rian kept glancing between them, a face full of sunlight.

His uncle regarded him silently. Nothing had to be said, really. And if it did, now was not the time.

“Ben.”

“Uncle Luke,” he said by sheer habit of what to say when he saw the man’s face.

Rian’s wide eyes said enough. But before serious drama could unfold, Luke had already continued on his way down the hall, shuffling between groups of students and solo kids, muttering something to himself. Rian turned to Ben with the oddest expression on his face.

“Luke is your _uncle_? How is this the first I’ve heard about this? He was my professor last semester.”

All Ben could do was shrug.

“He never mentioned me?” he asked, and Rian’s exclamation came as no surprise to him.

“No, nothing! You’d think he would have, especially since you’re pretty well known around the school with your LGBT club and all. You guys are family!”

“Yep. You’d think,” Ben said with much more harsh bluntness than he intended. When he saw the sting in Rian’s face, he struggled to make up for it. “But, whatever. What’s your class?”

“Uh...Thermal Sciences,” he mumbled.

Nothing about this came as a surprise to Ben. With everything that had happened, it was only natural. With the boarding school, and with Snoke, of course Luke would try to act like he had nothing to do with it. And the whole hell of a mess that had resulted for everyone, blowing up in Ben’s face and shattering the residue on Luke’s career. Snoke’s trial may not have been in national news for long, but it had been enough. Enough that Luke would not want anyone to associate him with it, anyway.

 _Of course you wouldn’t, you fucking asshole. You didn’t want anyone realizing that you_ knew _Snoke couldn’t be trusted. That you_ knew _what he was doing to me and the other kids. You fucking knew something was off and that he was hurting us and you kept quiet. You_ could have _done something to help us and you didn’t do anything about it because--_

“Uh...Ben? You okay?”

Ben looked down at the younger man. Rian had no idea. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t know about Snoke, about the school, about Luke’s involvement. Or lack thereof, he should say. And Rian should not be burdened with that whole history. It would be unfair to him to have to know.

_You should be looking for a big brother elsewhere. I’m damaged goods. I’m not healthy. I’m safe again but I don’t know how much longer that will last. You need better than this._

“I’m fine. Just fine.” He huffed. “Well it was nice seeing you but I should shove off.”

“Oh, uh...okay. He started fiddling with his hoodie sleeves. “Um, Ben? It’s not something I said or did, is it?”

“What?” Ben paused, blinking at him. “No, it’s nothing you did.”

“You sure?” Rian asked in a small, meek voice.

Ben growled under his breath, wishing this guy would take a damn hint when it hit him upside the face. Mostly he just wanted to get away from people in general, away from the stench of humanity. He needed a way to drown out the memories tempting to come rushing back, having seen his uncle’s face. Forgetting sounded real nice right about now.

“I’m pretty fucking sure. Not everything is about _you_ , Rian.” He turned away, tousling his hair, feeling like crap. _Fuck._ He shouldn’t have said that. None of this was Rian’s fault, the kid had no idea. But it was too late to run back and apologize as he had already walked into class. So instead Ben took an anxiety pill to ward off a potential panic attack and curled up in his chair, hating the world but especially hating his uncle.

_Congrats, you’re now the world’s biggest asshole._

  
~

 

 _Well, congrats. You’re now the world’s biggest dumbass,_ thought Rey.

She watched Ben storm off until she was able to compose herself enough to get to class. She was a little shaken up. Ben’s tone sounded very dark, almost _threatening_ , when he was pissed off. And she guessed that’s just how he dealt with anger but damned if it didn’t leave her a little shaken up afterwards.

Rey was still beating herself up as she walked into class, about how she had ‘bumped into’ Ben on campus. Read: she waited for him there much longer than was socially appropriate.

Assuming waiting around that long for someone who probably just saw her as a casual friend, if that, was socially appropriate in the first place.

She had told herself today would be the day. She would come out to Ben Organa-Solo, tell him she was transgender and everything.

Or at least, tell him “Hey, there’s something important I want to tell you. Can we meet up later?” Something in the direction of telling him about her gender identity. At least something. She had planned it perfectly, knowing that their classes started at the same time on Thursday afternoons and that if she got there a good half hour early there would be no way of missing him. So she waited, listening to Ariana Grande on Spotify for a good fifteen minutes or so before Ben could finally be seen walking down the hall, and with that man’s height and distinctive features it was impossible to miss him. And at first she felt ready to finally say, for the first time, “Hey, I’m Rey, and I’m a girl! Please stop fist-bumping me and pat my head instead!”

But nope. That did not fucking happen at all. She had been so close to it just before that whole...mess happened and Ben got angry at her for no reason.

_What the hell does he have against his uncle? Is there a lot of drama in his family?_

Still feeling grumpy about the whole thing, Rey dropped her bag by her chair and sat down, huffing and clicking her pen. The professor wouldn’t show up for at least ten more minutes so she pulled out her phone and earbuds to listen to some tunes. For a few moments, Rey considered googling Ben’s full name on it to find the dirt on him and Luke Skywalker. Would that be a violation of privacy? No, of course not, because anyone could look up someone’s name and find public records. But was it okay to do as a friend? What if there was something out there he didn’t want her to see?

What would she find anyway, other than a few newspaper articles about when he played basketball in high school (because let’s be honest, there’s no way he did _not_ play basketball with that kind of height) and some stuff about his uncle and his parents. So what would be the harm in that? She wouldn’t even dig that deep…

But then Rey thought on the flip side. What if someone like Ben or Finn or Rose googled _her_ name without her knowledge? Maybe people this far north didn’t know what a name like ‘Jakku’ meant, but even if they didn’t, it wouldn’t take but five seconds on the Internet to figure it out. They would find out about her biological parents, who were hauled off to prison for drug use and child neglect. Find out she had been in the foster care system her whole life. Find out about the trouble she got into in her teens, those years of living hell where she had no idea how to handle being in a body wracked with the wrong puberty and forced to go through school halls full of bullies. The thought of one of her friends learning about her past _that_ way...it made her feel nauseous.

In the end, Rey put down her phone. Something about googling a friend’s name felt wrong. It was like she didn’t trust him to tell her what she needed to know about him. If she got real curious she could always ask permission to google his name out of curiosity…but not without permission.

Thus remaining completely unaware of what she would have found out about him, had she decided to go through with it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: (Unintentional) misgendering/deadnaming. A character expresses deep self-loathing and symptoms of depression. Brief mentions of self-harm, physical abuse, and bouts of anger.

With the starting up of second semester came new challenges for Rey. For one, Ben’s LGBT+ group had a couple events, the biggest one being an on-campus screening of a couple of famous LGBT films, and the group had invited her to participate if she was interested. For another matter, her boss at the auto repair had noticed her potential and started to give her harder tasks, and more of them on a day to day basis. Good in the long run, but not so much if she wanted to stay ahead in her classes.

She enjoyed her job, and was happy to be in school. Rey would never trade this life for the one she left behind. But the fear of getting burned out was always in the back of her mind. She knew what having little to do did to her, thanks to winter break, but  _ too much  _ to do might be even worse. The last thing Rey wanted was to end up like the people from her hometown, where their only escape from the constant grind were drugs and hard liquor. Those were the kind of people who stole her childhood from her. And many years ago Rey had promised herself  _ never  _ to be like them.

Rey managed to decline all but one of the invitations from the LGBT+ group. She agreed to help paint some signs for them on a weekend. That way she wouldn’t have to out herself and she could be of help to them since she got the feeling they needed it. And she hated always saying No anyway.

As for work, she needed the money. She needed to appeal to her boss even if it meant overtime hours. More than anything, she wanted to get a promotion for more money and so she’d have good on the job experience by the time she graduated.

One morning, when Rey only had her one class from noon to three, Rose texted her  _ “Hey wanna hang out before Ben heads to Europe?” _

This time Rey didn’t wait at all to reply. She finally agreed to meet up with Ben and Rose again. This time at their apartment instead of a public setting.

And in the back of her mind she now had to process that she wouldn’t see Ben for months. He was leaving for Italy in a week and would be gone all semester. No more free pastries and free espresso shots. No more having someone like him to talk to and make her day a little brighter.

That couldn’t be so hard, right? It wasn’t like they were best friends or needed each other or anything…

Before she drove her Ford Explorer to Ben’s apartment, Rey stopped at the grocery store to grab snacks. Unlike the usual, Rey...actually felt proud of herself today. She had showered, washed her hair, put on clean clothes, and even ate breakfast. Even wore her new hoodie. That was a lot for a single twenty-four-hour window. At the store, she bought chips and some fresh fruit as well as a big bottle of iced tea.

It wasn’t until she got in the car and started the engine that it started to hit her what was about to happen. What she was about to do. Rey clenched her jaw, fear turning into loathing which turned into anger, and she smacked at the steering wheel.

_ I have to tell them. I can’t hold it from them anymore. Somebody has to know,  _ she tried to reason with herself. Even so, her heart was already pounding and sweat beaded her forehead.

Rey gripped the steering wheel and tried to focus on her breathing before she would have a panic attack.

_ I can’t tell them,  _ the same voice suddenly shifted into.  _ If I tell them, that means I’m out to the world and I’ll never be able to take it back. _

_ No one can ever know. Think of the risks. Think of everything you could lose. That’s got to be worse than what this life is, isn’t it? Isn’t it? _

Her hands shook against the wheel and she didn’t even realize it was raining until a loud crash of lightning made her jump so hard in her seat she hit her head on the roof of the car. Still shaking, she started the engine and headed on the street toward Ben’s apartment, ashamed of her ‘road rage’ as she blared her horn at other drivers but unable to control that part of herself.

When she arrived, Ben answered the door. He was dressed in an all-black outfit and had messy black eyeliner on. The clothes were torn along the sleeves, of both the shirt and pants, and were pulled back to reveal a mesh shirt with fake bloodstains.

She did a double-take before Ben quickly said,

“Oh, uh...just got back from a gig with the band.”

“Well, that explains that,” she said with a small laugh.

Rey took a deep breath as she sat in the armchair across from the sofa. Ben's apartment was cluttered, but not dirty. Now that she was here when there wasn't a party going on she was able to get a much better look around. Dozens and dozens of books filled up a couple shelves and also formed tall stacks all around the main seating areas—everything from Neil Gaiman to Edgar Allen Poe to Stephen Hawking and everyone in-between, not to mention all kinds of other titles and names she didn't recognize. The furniture in the kitchen and living room was mismatched and worn but looked cozy enough. Several band posters covered the walls; a couple of the Knights of Ren, but the others were  bands that looked like local garage bands, nobody Rey had heard of before. He also seemed to have an impressive collection of coffee mugs, all hanging on rusty hooks and handles on the kitchen wall.

She found herself trying to focus on her breathing to stay calm. Ben—who she supposed now was actually his persona, 'Kylo Ren'—sat on the end of the couch. Unable to resist she found herself studying his look, as she had yet to watch the Knights of Ren perform live. Mostly due to the fact that almost all of their gigs were at bars and pubs. But in addition was the fear of disappearing into a crowd of strangers all dressed so differently than her.

In the months since she had gotten to know him, Rey had never seen Ben dressed like this before. It was dark, edgy, gothic…and yeah, she didn’t dig the eyeliner so much, but all in all, he looked good.

"So, Rian, what have you been up to?" Rose asked, trying to break the ice. Rose sat on the couch with her legs crossed, a crochet blanket over her shoulders. Soft tunes played on low volume from a bluetooth speaker nearby. She was holding a mug of blueberry tea and had offered to make some for Rey, but she declined for now. Rose’s whole posture expressed genuine concern and interest. In her text message inviting Rey over, she had also mentioned they were going to have a Vietnamese dish for dinner.

"Um, school and work?" Rey shrugged, not sure how she should exactly answer the question. What was she supposed to say? That she wasted winter break cooped up and depressed and scarring her body?

"Yeah, no kidding. I've been busy too." She nudged her boyfriend who was randomly adjusting his hair and picking at a hangnail. "Ben is real busy too. Between getting a Master's, working part time, running the club and his own band."

"I can't imagine." Rey looked at him and the black eyeliner he was wearing. Ben aka Kylo looked real good in black colors. "So, Kylo Ren. Is that like your stage or pen name?"

"It's both." He glanced up at her. "I write poetry under that name and it's who I am when I'm performing. It’s basically my alternate identity as an artist.”

"Fucking dope. How'd you come up with a name like that?"

'Kylo' cracked open a can of lemonade and stared down at it without taking a sip just yet.

"Just kinda played around with some words, I guess," he muttered.

"I've been meaning to go to one of your shows. I just...don't have the time." Rey looked down at her hands, aware of the hairs on the back of them. Why did they look so dark and apparent all of a sudden? she wondered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I get it. First year of college is the fucking worst," said 'Kylo.'

She smiled sadly at him.

"Yeah...I guess." There was a bowl of tortilla chips on the coffee table, between Rose's pile of study books and 'Kylo's laptop. Rey grabbed one and munched on it, and soon realized she didn't even have the stomach to finish it. What she said next came out more cynical than she intended. "Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it, you know?"

Rose leaned in closer to her and frowned slightly.

"What do you mean? Is everything okay?"

"I don't know.." And she wanted to say, _ No no no, it's not. It's never been okay. I haven't been okay since I was three years old and my dad beat me with a two-by-four because I dared tell him I was hungry. I haven't been okay since I was caught putting on my foster sister's Britney Spears wig. NOTHING has EVER been remotely okay about my entire fucking life! _ she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. But instead, she found herself muttering absently, "I mean...there's a lot going on. Kind of what I mentioned in that meeting. I just..."

Rey couldn't imagine how annoying this must be for them. Her random hints at the truth without just outright saying it. God, this must be the same reason she couldn’t keep any friends in high school...

"Have you been doing okay?" Rose asked. She looked so open, so kind. She was trying to get Rey to open up. "You know what we said when you came to that meeting is still true. This is a safe space. If you need someone to talk to, we're here for you."

'Kylo' made a snorting sound.

"I'm so sick of that phrase," he said, which made Rose playfully smack him on the arm.

"Shuddup, you know what I meant!"

Still, Rey smiled a bit at it. She almost knew what they were thinking and to be fair, it wasn't an extreme assumption to make. That she was a gay man who had had a crush on his best friend in high school and ended up ruining the friendship by coming out of the closet that one time and vowed to try and be heterosexual the rest of his life. Something like that. It would make everything so much simpler.

"Yeah, I know what you meant," she reassured Rose. She forced herself to eat another tortilla chip. "The thing is...I've never told anyone before. Ever."

"No pressure to say anything, Rian." Rose sat up. "Maybe we should do something fun first. I have lots of video games and Ben has cable and Netflix."

"Video games sounds okay." She sighed with relief and joined them on the couch. At least she could procrastinate the hard conversation for a little while longer. Before they got started Ben changed into a big t-shirt and sweatpants to get more comfortable and washed out the eyeliner and hair gel.

They decided on Mario Kart so all of them could play together. While they played they ate snacks and reserved conversation for lighter topics. Ben sat between them, lounging back against the couch, while Rose and Rey were standing up as they got into the game. At first it gave Rey the impression that Ben wasn't into gaming, but when she beat him at the last turn on the last lap she was proven wrong.

Ben kicked the coffee table. Hard. Rey had grown up in a house full of slamming doors and black eyes, so she couldn't help but jump out of her skin, then had to count to five to calm down.

"Fucking hell! Fuck this game!" Ben scowled.

Once she recovered from being startled so bad, Rey just laughed at him and nudged his shin with her foot.

"It's not my fault that you suck ass." She stuck out her tongue.

Ben just crossed his arms.

"Oh come on, babe." Rose kissed him on the cheek before they started the next race. Rey kicked his ass a second time although Rose came in at a close second. In the third race Rey took Ben out so bad that he ended up a full lap behind everyone and never caught up in time and finished last. At the end of that race he looked ready to hurl the controller out the window. Instead he stood up and stomped to the kitchen.

"Who's hungry? I'm fucking hungry," he announced.

"You’re looking for the word ‘hangry.’ Maybe you'll have more luck at a shooter game. Got any of those?" Rey teased, knowing that she would probably still beat him in that. None of the kids in high school could beat her, either. Helped that she had also been known as the kid who took apart an old arcade game and put it back together all on her own.

"No, you two keep playing,” he said with a huff.

Rey rolled her eyes and glanced at Rose.

"Geez. I never would have guessed he had such a temper."

"Yeah..." Rose laughed a bit. "He's a real sweetheart but certain things can just set him off. And he’s a sore loser.”

"I mean, I can relate." Rey shrugged again, then found herself pulling the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands, just in case one of her scars from cutting recently might show itself. "So what's for dinner?"

"Oh!" Rose brightened. "I taught Ben how to make bánh cuốn. It's a Vietnamese meal. Rice flour based batter with mushrooms and pork. And we have bánh rán for dessert. Hope you like them."

"Sounds good. Never had Vietnamese food before."

"Well now you won't have to miss out anymore." She was all smiles.

Luckily by the time he brought back their plates of food and had eaten some, Ben was in a better mood already. And nothing like winning at video games to work up an appetite. Rey dug into the dish and tried her hardest not to scarf it all down.

“Wow, Rose, this is delicious! I’ve never had Vietnamese food before.”

“I know, right? I’ve never lived there myself but my parents came to the States just before I was born. So it kind of tastes like home to me, but also doesn’t?” She shrugged.

Rey got the strong feeling that once dinner was over they would bring the conversation back to the hard stuff. The stuff she had to say and did not want to say.

As they ate, the conversation went into Rose’s family and how her heritage affected her daily. Rey was happy to listen--to become more educated on the struggles and experiences of people of color, something she had lacked a lot growing up in a very white community. She kept her mouth shut the whole time, just letting Rose open up and taking it all in. After dinner, Ben did dishes and brought out dessert and hot tea.

And sure enough, once they had all cleaned their plates and the conversation started to die down and Rey had stopped telling corny jokes, Rose looked at her and her eyes softened.

“So Rian. Back to what we were talking about before…” Ben looked up at her too.

_ Nothing is okay about me. I don't want to say it and if I do I can never take it back… _

Rey took a deep breath.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MY FAVORITE CHAPTER TO WRITE SO FAR!! Hope you all enjoy it!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings/content warnings for this chapter!

Before she realized it, Rey had burst into tears.

It was embarrassing. The worst thing that could have happened. But the realization of what she was actually about to say, for the first time in her entire life, hit her like the weight of the world on her heart.

She felt a large hand on her shoulder. Ben. The touch was so kind and unexpected she almost wanted to smack his hand away, to snap at him  _ Don’t fucking touch me I’m disgusting and I don’t deserve to be touched like that  _ but she resisted it.

“Hey...hey…” His voice drowned out her ugly sobbing. The warm sensation of his hand gently rubbing her shoulder was the only thing keeping Rey grounded in reality.

Other than that all she could feel was terror and fear and repulsion and disgust. Terror at the world she was going to walk into the moment she told them the truth. Fear at how the world would turn on her one-eighty degrees when it knew. Repulsion at her body, her voice, her mannerisms, and everything else. And disgust that she couldn’t even be honest to someone so loud and proud as Ben Organa-Solo. What the fuck did that say about her as a person? What kind of pathetic  _ filth  _ was she?

“It’s okay, Rian,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry….I’m just so scared and it hurts so much,” she managed to choke out, hating that all the attention was on her now, but she could not stop crying. Thinking of all the times she had wanted this moment more than anything--a person she could safely talk to--and now that it was here she was doing whatever it could to throw it away. How goddamn typical. “I always knew something was inside me that made me different from everyone around me.”

“I know...I know. It hurts.” Ben kept rubbing her shoulder.

Rey took a deep breath and wiped at her face. Rose put a box of tissues in her lap and she grabbed one to blow her nose.

“But now it’s awake. And it’s so loud and I’m so, so scared…” Rey looked up at him, knowing she must be a sight.

Ben’s eyes were glassy and he swallowed hard. His other hand was clenched into a tight fist. She could feel that he didn’t just hurt for her, he hurt  _ with  _ her. She had to take another deep breath and could not look him in the eye when she spoke next.

“I...I’m...I’m a girl.” And she paused, and she said it again, just to be sure they heard her. “I’m a girl.”

They were both quiet. Not in a way that indicated shock, but to let her continue speaking.

“I’ve known for a long time. I just...haven’t told anyone. Until now. That I’m a girl…”

Ben’s eyes got big. And she felt him pull her into a tight hug. Rey hugged back. Her feelings about him didn’t matter in this moment. It meant much more than that. This was one transgender person to another, comforting one another in a way that only someone like them would understand.

She pulled him in tighter and began sobbing all over again.

It felt like a whole weight had been taken off her chest. Like she could finally breathe for the first time in her life.

And that she had been stirred awake after years in a coma.

“Hey, hey....I’m here. I’m here....” Ben said soothingly. The cries shifted into a gentle laugh, and they slowly let go of each other. He looked her up and down. "You know, uh...I kinda had a feeling you'd tell me something like that," he admitted with a slight smile.

“Oh, fuck.” She rubbed her eyes and laughed with him a little. “What gave it away? My coffee order?” she said sarcastically, still wiping away tears.

"Um...a lot of little things to be honest. Call it a sixth sense or something."

Rose got up and hugged her too. She squeezed Rey tight and Rey rested her head on Rose’s shoulder, still struggling to stop herself from crying.

"So, what name do you want us to call you?" Rose asked when she pulled away.

“Honestly... I’m not there yet. You guys can still call me Rian and ‘he’ as far as it goes in public but... I felt I could trust you with it.” She looked down at her hands and sighed. “I don’t have the means to even think about transitioning right now, so I kinda just want to fly under the radar...you know?”

"Yeah of course. I completely understand." Ben's hand was on her bicep now, the physical contact a reminder that he was here for her. "We won't tell anyone unless you say it's okay.”

There was no pretense in his voice. He spoke honestly, and from the depths of his soul. 

“Thank you...” was all she could manage to respond, and she gave him a weak smile. She felt like she had just been punched in the gut, or had run a marathon.

He smiled sadly.

"It gets easier,” said Ben. “Trust me on that...it really does. It won't be like this forever. I know right now that sounds real fucking corny. But I mean it...it  _ does  _ get easier one day.”

Rey couldn’t even fathom the idea. But the words did give her a sense of comfort, especially coming from someone years farther down the road of transitioning. From what she currently knew about Ben, he seemed to have his whole life together and was incredibly happy and well-off.

He swallowed hard to push down his own emotions and looked into her eyes.

"Telling me and Rose today was a big step already. That takes a lot of guts. I don’t know how else to tell you just how brave that is.”

Rose held Ben's hand.

“Anything we can do to help, anything you need or whatever...just let us know, okay? And yes, I mean  _ anything _ . You have our numbers. Text, call, anytime.”

Rey nodded. This is what it meant to find your tribe, she thought. This is what it was like to be met where you were at. The phrase ‘coming out of the closet’ suddenly took on another level of meaning for Rey when she realized how living without anyone knowing she was transgender had been so dark and isolating. Suffocating. Containing her in a tight space with no way to move around and dance and be free. And that first step out of the confining darkness awakened her to a reality that was overwhelming, light stinging her eyes and cold air making her shiver...but it also full of life and fresh air and the chance to stretch underused muscles. Maybe she was going to make it after all.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Ben asked with concern, looking her over.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah I’ll be fine, I’ve survived this long, haven’t I?”

"There you go. Look how far you've come already. You're on your way.” He smiled reassuringly.

She thought idly about his voice. Of course he’d become a singer; he spoke in a smooth low tone, slightly accented, but she couldn’t pinpoint from where in the United States it was. But it was very low and sensual. She offered them both another reassuring nod.

Rose tried to contain herself. If she had it her way she'd give Rian a big hug and give her a total makeover and teach her how to do makeup and shave and then take her on an epic 'girls shopping trip' downtown where they'd buy all the cutest dresses and shoes and such, but she knew Rian was nowhere near ready for that. She had to let Rian transition the way she wanted and needed to.

"Do you...want to stay here and hang out longer? We could watch some fun movies or something?" she offered.

“I’d like that... a lot actually. What do you recommend? What are your favorites?” Rey asked.

"We have a little of everything really. Ben says his favorite movie is  _ The Crow _ but it's really  _ Beauty and the Beast _ ."

He blushed and made a sour face.

“Hey!”

“And yours, Rose?”

" _ Mean Girls _ , duh."

“Duh. Lives up to the hype though, I’m partial to  _ Legally Blonde _ myself, but my favorite movie is  _ The Matrix _ ,” said Rey.

“I can see why,” Ben said with a small smile. “I actually think we might have a copy of it, hang on...” he rummaged through two whole bins and a shelf of DVD’s and CD’s until he found it.

Rey snuggled with a pillow, totally not jealous of the cuddling Rose and Ben did as the screen lit up with muted greens, trench coats, leather catsuits, and sunglasses. The movie was so dense and nuanced she swore she saw something new in it every time. 3/4 of the way through Rose had fallen asleep on Ben’s shoulder.

“I swear she does this for every damn movie we watch.” Ben put a blanket over her shoulders. “She has never seen the ending of most of my movies but every time she promises she won’t fall asleep, and then she does.”

Rey gave him a lighthearted shrug. The movie reached its conclusion and Rey yawned and stretched.

“You know I can’t believe MRA assholes online have taken this movie to be for them, they’re so obviously Agent Smith in this story.”

“It’s such a weird irony, isn’t it? Just like  _ V for Vendetta _ .” He stretched his legs and accidentally brushed her side with his bare foot. She blushed and instinctively recoiled from his touch, like she had put her hand on a hot stove by accident, but subtly enough that Ben didn’t notice. Even then the slight contact was enough to send her mind going places it had no business being in.

“Yeah... weird...” she muttered.

Ben sat up a bit, however much the sleeping Rose on his shoulder would allow, and cleared his throat.

“Do you….want to camp out here for the night? We have tons of blankets and pillows and I know those on campus dorms are shit.”

“Oh.. yeah, sure!” She glanced over her shoulder and smiled genuinely. The idea sounded fun. Camping out with Ben, surrounded by the little things he filled his life with.

“Cool. That’ll be fun.” He smiled. She settled in on the couch, which Ben had set up with pillows and blankets for her. Rose woke up just enough to go to bed and Ben made sure Rey had enough to make her comfortable. There were more than enough blankets, so many that Rey gave a few back to him.

“What, does your heater not work or something?” She teased.

“Sorry. I figured you get cold easier since you’re from the South—“ Poor guy looked so embarrassed. Rey just smiled again and realized how lucky she was to meet him, and Rose.

“It’s fine. I like a lot of blankets,” she said.

"I don't know about you but I'm still wide awake. I'm a bit of a night owl."

Usually Rey would agree but coming out had left her exhausted. That was a big fucking heavy door to open. But she humored him all the same.

“What do you usually like to do this late?”

"Watch TV while doing some writing and some homework," he said while tousling his hair.

_ Gods,  _ he looked sexy when he did that. She stared into his eyes, unaware of what she was doing.

"I usually need it as white noise to help me sleep anyway...usually some dumb sitcom or something." he pulled off his shirt and changed into a loose fitting tank top to be more comfortable. It had the logo of what looked like a boarding school on it. It was like he was teasing her, she knew it. She asked about the logo on his shirt, as she didn’t recognize it. "It's um...the old school I used to go to as a teen."

It was easy to forget how much older than her Ben was. It was as if he’d already lived a whole life she didn’t know about, but she wanted to.

“Oh? Fond memories?”

He made a face.

"Not...not really, no. I just keep the shirt because it's comfortable..." He hunched over in the lay-z boy, curled up with his notebook where he wrote his poetry and song lyrics. The sound of the pencil on paper as well as his presence in the room was soothing and it lulled her into a deep comfortable sleep.

 

That night was the first night in many Rey did not have nightmares.

She did not dream of the old farmhouse that reeked of beer and rotting furniture. No dreams about the foster parents who took her to the town preacher over concerns about her behavior and the state of her soul that she had no way of understanding back then.

Instead, she dreamed she was swimming away from an island, in an ocean that erased every scar—including the self-inflicted ones. The water warmed the parts of her body that were cold from lack of being touched in the right ways, and it cooled the parts that burned from too much contact with the world. Call it cliche but she could swear it felt like the credits scene from some cheesy slice-of-life anime.

She woke up to the smell of pancakes and bacon. Grease was sizzling and batter was browning. Rey rubbed her eyes deeply and sat up, realizing that for sleeping on a couch she felt more well rested than she had in weeks. Ben stood in the kitchen making breakfast, wearing only his tank top and a pair of tight briefs. And of course they were showing off his well shaped ass. Rey resisted the urge to stare at his crotch. Feeling like a horrible person because of it. But there was that one time she saw what a trans man  _ looked like  _ down there and the image had tattooed itself on her brain…

“Good morning,” Ben said abruptly. Luckily for Rey that pulled her gaze to his eyes rather than his private areas. Sometime in the night he had gotten out more notebooks and his school textbooks and now they were all over the coffee table. Rey glanced at the mess before getting up.

“Mmm.. morning…” She pulled her shirt down to soften out the wrinkles.

“Sleep okay?” he asked.

“Good. Real good actually. No night terrors so can’t complain about that!” she laughed.

“Hey, same.” Before he flipped the next batch of pancakes he offered her a fist bump.

Rey wasn’t sure how to exactly answer that—was Ben implying he got night terrors too?—so all she did was return it and make a small explosion sound with her mouth.

“So, Italy…” Rey was just about to say, but she ended her sentence when Rose lazily strolled into the living area, clad only in one of Ben’s t shirts. Ben noticed her, smiled, and tossed a blueberry at Rose.

“Think fast,” he said. It hit her right on the nose and she jolted awake.

“Hey! You jerk," she giggled and tried to smack him on the butt but he dodged out of the way. The little exchange ended with Ben pulling Rose into his arms and giving her a big kiss. She wrapped her arms around him from behind. Poor Rose was so tiny she could barely touch her fingers when wrapped around his waist. Rey relished in being the third wheel and just avoided watching the whole thing, opting to focus on chewing all the dead skin off her lips instead.  _ Don’t be that jealous bitch. Don’t be that jealous bitch,  _ she repeated over and over in her head.

When Rose pulled away from him, Ben dished up a plate of piping hot pancakes and bacon for Rey just before returning to make the next batch. Relieved the moment had passed, she grabbed at the plate.

“You didn’t have to cook me breakfast.”

"That’s part of the contract in a fucking sleepover. Juice is in the fridge. Help yourself.”

She nodded, poured herself a generous amount of syrup and dug in. The groan that came out of her was borderline erotic. The blueberries were so soft they melted right into sweet goodness in her mouth and the pancake had been cooked to buttery, fluffy perfection.

“Isn’t he a good cook?” Rose laughed, noticing Rey’s reaction. She grabbed one off the plate and put bacon on top, then folded it in half and ate it like a sandwich. “Rian, you want to stay a bit longer?”

Rey debated it for a moment, only to realize she didn’t have to.

“Yeah...I’d like that, a lot.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings or content warnings!

In the way that only a kindred spirit could, Ben had always had a feeling about the girl named Rian.

Even when she first walked into the coffee shop he worked at, constantly adjusting her clothes and glancing cautiously at everyone around, Ben had sensed something was going on. The way certain words and phrases came out of her like something inside her had to forcefully push and shove them off her tongue. Like she was always trying to hide herself and avoid exposure. And sure, he had assumed she was just a gay man. But the weird ‘sameness’ feeling he got around her now made so much sense in light of everything she told him.

Even so, he now saw Rian Jakku in a new light.

It would be pointless—actually, downright cruel—to just shrug it off with a "Oh yeah, I knew the whole time so it was kind of redundant to come out to me; it's not like you did a good job of hiding it anyway." But now looking back Ben realized he had always known who Rian really was deep down inside.

In truth, when she told them she was a girl, Ben had to take a minute to hide his own tears. That moment—when someone tells you a truth like that—never failed to hit him hard. For many reasons, some good and some less than good. He would have let himself cry if Rian didn't need him to hold himself together right there.

After Rian left that morning, Ben lay on the couch thinking over the conversation. He should be working on his assignments. But he couldn't get her out of his head. The little fragments he knew about her rough childhood, her experience at Takodana University, and now the fact that she had just come out as transgender...it all fit together to form a person Ben wanted to get to know more. He wanted to know who she was, not that she was alive and well and had introduced herself to the world—in a sense. Rian, with her cute short haircut, her slender but firm build, her collection of novelty band shirts, the way she drowned cupcakes in sprinkles and hot dogs in mustard...

Rose glanced at him as she finished putting on her makeup.

"What's wrong, baby?"

He sighed and stretched his legs over the end of the couch. He had yet to find a couch that fit all of him. It was annoying.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Don't think too much," she teased, and kissed him on the cheek. "I gotta go, okay?"

"Okay. Be safe. Love ya.”

"Love you too." She kissed him again before she headed out the door. He watched her go.

 

~

 

Ben had to work up the courage to send Rian a text message the following day.

 _"Not to pry but I really think you'd get a lot out of coming back to one of our meetings."_ They were only getting together one more time before he left the country for the rest of the semester.

To his surprise, she answered him with only a minute's wait.

_"Sure you're not just desperate for more club members? Lol"_

_"Lol maybe. I am serious tho."_ Ben paused. _“You don’t have to tell them at all but if you do they’ll support you.”_ He sort of regretted sending that one right as he hit the ‘send’ button. All he wanted was for Rian to be happy, to be able to be herself. He wanted to see her wear the clothes she wanted and put on makeup if she wanted and he wanted to see her face light up when a total stranger said, “Have a good day, miss,” or “Enjoy your meal, ma’am!” Everything he had fought her and slowly built for himself over the years...she needed that too. This awkward, adorable-as-fuck Southern gal who loved iced frappes and old cars and hid her scars so carefully...she was in there, waiting to be let out. Just like how the brooding, tattooed, songwriting boy in him had been let out years ago.

But there he went again trying to push his own transition onto someone else. And that wasn’t fair to her. He knew that. Rian had to do this her way, at her own pace, not the way another person felt was best for her. If she never came out publicly and she was okay with that, Ben had to be okay with that too.

Even so, it kind of hurt to see her still closeted to the world, showing all the telltale signs of that hellish dysphoria he could relate to so deeply.

_“Thanks Ben :) that means a lot, you’re really sweet”_

He was relieved by her response, but still worried that it was forced. That he had pushed her too hard. Assuming she could transition as hastily as he did...hell, when he came out to his parents he more or less revamped his entire wardrobe over the weekend.

Couldn’t worry about that now. Ben had a lot to do. Today was his last day working at the coffee shop before he left to study abroad. Tomorrow at 4:00 AM, a classmate would give him a ride to the airport and he would head to New York City before his connecting flight to London, and then to Rome. Tonight he would take Rose out on a date since it would be their last night together for a long time.

He distracted himself from his thoughts by focusing on his work at the coffee shop. Even when it was real slow at work, he could always find something to do. Something to organize or clean or double check food temperatures. Or if there _really_ was nothing to do, he could just jot down song lyrics or poems in the little notebook he always kept in the pocket of his jacket. Call it really fucking cliche but the various personalities that came in and out of the shop could really inspire some interesting writing sometimes.

Ben didn't mind flying across the globe. Having an international ambassador for a parent meant he got used to it from a very young age. By age three he had already flown dozens of times. He knew all about how to get through an airport, what to wear, what to bring with in his carry-on, how to pass the time, and so on and so on, to the point it came natural to him.

But in the back of his mind he wondered if he should have accepted the offer to study abroad in the first place. He chewed on that while helping the regular customers and their coffee orders. The club would do fine without him for a while, and he had divided up leadership already so no one would be too overwhelmed. And the band had agreed to work on their music via Skype until he got back. Everything back home would be okay.

What worried him was his relationship with Rose. He liked her, a lot. She was kind and funny and knew how to help reel him in when he was having a panic attack or bad depression episode. Anyone would be lucky to have her. But the last time she tried a long-distance relationship ended in them breaking up. That guy was now married to some other fellow here in the same city. Ben wasn't sure if Rose could handle that again.

Rian walked into the coffee shop, interrupting Ben’s train of thought. He was about to call her 'Ms. Jakku' then stopped himself, remembering she wasn't publicly out yet. So he stood a little straighter and tipped his head at her.

"Hey, stranger," he said.

Rian smiled up at him. Today she had not bothered brushing her hair, and her cowlicks were more visible. The top of her ears were starting to be covered by her locks and her bangs almost reached her eyebrows now. Her retro ‘Elton John; the bitch is back’ shirt could use a good ironing too.

"Hey yourself. I think I’ll have the jasmine white tea with...oh, fuck it. Today I'm getting the venti mocha frappe. Extra whipped cream. I love my sugar.” She adjusted her backpack strap. Judging by how deeply it dug into her shoulder, Rian had brought at least three books for reading material, plus her laptop.

"I like your thinking." When he handed over her beverage his hand lingered a bit on the cup. Rian noticed and looked up at him with hundreds of questions in her eyes.

"So...leaving tomorrow?" she asked.

He nodded silently.

"Gonna miss you. Somehow the coffee and tea doesn't taste the same when you don't make it." She took the cup and licked at a bit of the whipped cream where it got on her finger.

Ben had to resist making a very work-inappropriate joke. There were no other customers waiting in line so Rian didn't walk away as she sipped at her beverage. She had trimmed her nails again. Why would he notice a thing like that? he wondered.

"Guess I just have that touch," Ben mumbled. "Sorry. I need this course to graduate. Can’t get my Masters without it."

"So what will you be doing in Italy, exactly?"

"Oh, um...let me think. An excursion to Pompeii, and Naples. Capri Island too, I think. Lots of learning about history and literature. Some culinary stuff too. The band is going to be getting a lot of inspiration out of it too. We hope to implement some of my research into our songs.”

“You don’t say? So now you’re _Italian_ indie gothic rock. That’s a mouthful,” Rian teased, winking at him slightly.

“More like...we hope to have a concept album centered around a Roman gladiator who experiences reincarnation throughout the ages. There might be three songs set during the Italian Renaissance alone.” _Annnnd now that I’ve said it aloud to someone other than a Knight, it sounds really fucking stupid,_ he thought with distress. “I know, kind of dumb. But maybe if I do enough research--”

“No, that sounds fucking awesome! Totally do it.” She took a big slurp from her frappe. "Also, if you don't try to seduce Rose with your fluent Italian when you get back, I'll be very disappointed," said Rian, laughter in her eyes.

Ben turned beet red and he looked away. He fiddled idly with the corners of the towel in his hands. He wasn’t even sure why he felt shy around Rian all of a sudden, especially when she poked fun at him. Perhaps the fact that she was transgender like him made her words carry more weight for him.

"I'll do my best…” he said.

Rian laughed. She _glowed_ when she laughed. Ben looked away, chewing on his bottom lip.

"I'm kidding, man. I meant it when I said I'd miss you, though." Rian turned around to go see if her usual spot in the coffee shop was vacant.

Ben asked the question before he could change his mind.

"Would you like to Skype or something while I'm away?"

Rian looked over her shoulder at him and it was like she lit up inside. The corners of her mouth lifted up.

"I...would love that."

"That way we can talk more about...you know..."

"Yeah. The stuff." They exchanged smiles. Neither of them wanted to say it aloud because they were in public but they knew what ‘the stuff’ was. "Good stuff to talk about."

"I'll text you when I get to the airport."

“Thanks. Have a good trip…”

“You too. I mean…” He blushed again.

“I know what you meant.” Rian smiled again, then curled up on her usual spot on the corner couch to work on her reading. Ben had to look away as he resumed his work.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: One brief mention of abuse and homophobia.

 

Just when Rey thought she could hold it together, she started crying all over again as she came out of the closet a second time. Finn and Poe looked at her, the deep sympathy apparent in their expressions. She sat across from them in the armchair facing the television showing the video game’s main menu, while they shared the sofa. They had known she had some ‘big news’ to tell them over dinner and Fortnite, but they probably had no idea that had been coming.

To her surprise, both men gave her a warm hug almost instantly. Her body began shaking as she subconsciously realized how much physical affection she had been missing out on. Who knew that parents who never hugged you, held you, kissed you, or tucked you in could scar you for life. And that she had all but the last couple months of her life without regular positive contact with other people--no one to give her so much as a gentle squeeze on the shoulder or a pat on the back. Now that it was here she felt that, in the psychological sense, she had been starving to death for years and now had the first taste of the most incredible thing that made her feel waves of overwhelming happiness.

“That’s so fucking brave, Rian.” Finn held her tight, and squeezed her arm affectionately. “You know we got your back.”

“Does anyone else know?” Poe asked in all seriousness.

“Ben. Coffee shop Ben,” she corrected. “And his girlfriend. That’s it.”

“Gotcha.” Poe looked at her directly. “Anything we can do to help you?”

“Honestly, just letting me tell you. Just being here as friends...that means way more than I can say.” she smiled and wiped her eyes.

“Can I ask how long you’ve known?” Poe asked again. He offered her his hand and she took it gratefully. She knew she could trust him. Over the months she had come to know Poe she had received bits and pieces of his own past of growing up a gay Latino kid in Silver Lake, L.A. He had had it pretty rough, especially when he lost his mom at only age eight.

“Oh, I’ve known pretty much since I was a little kid. I just didn’t have words to explain it until much later and I’ve been in the closet since then.” She shrugged.

“Well you know this already but I got my foot in the door of pretty much all the gay, drag, and queer groups here in the city. So if you ever wanna step in, you know who to reach.” He gave her a small wink and Rey couldn’t help but laugh. She may have been unlucky before but damned if she didn’t consider herself lucky for the friends she had made here in Oregon.

 

~

 

Later that night, while Poe was cleaning up dinner and the other two relaxed on the back porch with cocktails, Finn nudged Rey with his foot to get her attention.

Since she had come out as a trans girl to them, Finn hadn’t said too much. Not in a passive way, but in a way that indicated he was just silently processing it and putting all the pieces together in his head. He wore his favorite black hoodie under the brown leather jacket he always ‘borrowed’ from Poe. In fact he wore that jacket so much Rey had thought it was his for a long time until Poe made a passing remark about Finn always stealing his clothes.

“Sorry about Poe, by the way. He can get pretty overly excited. He’s like a Golden Retriever,” he laughed, referring to when Poe listed off all the local clubs, bars, and hangouts that were popular for the queer community. To the point that Finn had to slug his husband’s arm and say, “She literally _just_ came out, geez! Put your gay ass in the freezer and chill!”

Rey just laughed again.

“It’s fine, I get it. Gonna be a _long_ time before I can go to any of those places, but Poe means well. He’s awesome.” She glanced over her shoulder where Poe was singing to himself as he did the dishes.

“Yeah, he is. You saw the fireworks in his eyes when you came out to him, right?”

“Ohhh yes.” Rey could have teared up all over again recalling how Poe had grabbed her hand and said, with a smile so warm she could bake cookies with it, that he had always wanted  a little sister.

Finn sipped his drink and glanced at her.

“Hey, so...did I ever tell you about the home I grew up in?” he asked.

“I think, you might have mentioned it once or twice. Just in passing.”

He sat up a bit straighter, indicating this probably wasn’t going to be a happy tale. Rey steadied herself and watched him close.

“Well, first thing is...I never knew my parents. First memories are in some horrible orphanage where they barely took care of us. And I was like you too. In and out of the foster care system my whole childhood. The point is, when you talked about how hard it was being different from everyone else without a steady home...I get that. That was me too. I know what that feels like, in a way.”

Rey winced, feeling a pang of empathy. Of course she had known some kids who grew up like she did and turned out just fine. Their foster parents loved them and raised them well. But she supposed both her and Finn fit in the category of ‘not so lucky.’

“Was it bad?” she asked softly.

Finn nodded. Rey leaned into her friend, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, thinking in the back of her mind, _I really, really need a haircut._

“You can tell me all about it. You know my deepest secret now. I got nothing to top that, so it’s your turn now,” she laughed, hoping that would help lighten the mood.

Finn returned the smile but it did not last. He resumed his cocktail, drinking it a little faster than normal so that the buzz would kick in sooner. Hopefully that would help the words actually come out.

“Yeah. It was pretty bad. Bad as you can expect being a parentless bisexual black kid in Alabama. They knew I was queer when I was really young. Young as six or seven. One foster mom, she was real kind to me and helped me learn it was okay to be myself, and I’m real lucky I lived with her during middle school or I wouldn’t have survived all the bullying going on. The others...well, some just didn’t care or didn’t talk about it. One couple were very extreme conservatives and tried to turn me straight by...well, it was bad.” His shoulders tensed. She could tell he regretted bringing this up.

“Shit...that’s so fucked up.” Rey was well aware of her white privilege. She had seen the few black kids at her school mistreated, by both their peers and by law enforcement. It always disgusted her as a kid but no one showed her how to stand up for them, and now she felt the guilt of being a bystander all that time. She couldn’t imagine growing up with that going on, on top of being LGBT. Yet here Finn was and he was the kindest, sweetest guy around. In fact if she didn’t see him as just a friend, she could probably fall for him real hard. _(Typical Rey, her heart going out to all the guys who were with someone else.),_ she thought with a little bitterness.

“What I’m trying to get at is, I hope you know there’s no shame in being closeted for this long. With the circumstances you grew up in, it makes total sense. Poe may have been out since he was a kid but that doesn’t make your story any less valuable. You’ve always been you. And whether or not everyone else knew doesn’t make a difference in who you are. How all those people treated us before left their mark, sure, but it doesn’t define us. We are who we choose to be. And we can always choose to be good people who are proud of who they are.”

Rey took a long gulp from her drink and smiled. Her cheeks were aching, she had smiled so much tonight.

“Jesus, Finn, you know how to make a gu--a girl cry!”

Finn returned the smile and squeezed her shoulder with the gentleness of a friend reaching out to another with the same feeling of brokenness followed by the beginning of new healing.

“Someday I’ll tell you guys the whole story. But I probably need to be real drunk in order to get all that out,” Rey said.

“Yeah, it definitely takes a certain level of booze to unlock any tragic backstory.” He grinned. “But not tonight. Too heavy for tonight.”

“Damn right. Let’s see if I can kick Poe’s ass in another round of Fortnite.”

“You got it.” He went inside to refill their drinks.

 

~

 

Ben and Rey had agreed to Skype today. It was noon for Rey's time, and 9:00 PM for Ben's time. Takodana had just been hit by heavy snowfall and it was falling in droves outside Rey’s dorm. But frankly she fucking loved it. The snow looked gorgeous and she didn’t have to worry about driving anywhere for the next couple days, thank the gods.

Meanwhile, in a hotel in Ivrea, Italy, Ben was setting up his laptop as he finished his evening snack. He powered it on and video invited Rey, giddy with happiness at seeing her face again after several weeks.

When his video came up on her laptop, she saw that Ben was starting to grow out his facial hair. He had also gotten a new tattoo, this time on his side, only apparent when he lifted his shirt to show it to her. It was a fine line sketch of the Roman Colosseum. Rey had opted to wear her blue denim jacket and a simple gray tee under it. She had recently cut her hair, which deep down she didn’t like having to do, but she didn’t have much other choice for the moment. She crossed her legs and sat in front of her laptop which she had set at the foot of her bed. Judging by the angle Ben had set his on a desk or table and he was sitting in front of it.

"Hey." He smiled and waved at the camera. "Good to see you! Like the new tat?”

“I love it! How’s the Roman life treating you?” Rey beamed, looking him over. The dark mustache and goatee had thrown her off at first, but the more she studied it the more she decided he rocked the look.

“Good! Real good. Definitely worth studying the language for a year before coming here.” Ben was wearing a dark grey wool cardigan sweater and kept idly playing with the ends of the sleeves since they reached just past his knuckles.

“Now you can order pasta in the native language!” she joked.

He smiled and felt his facial hair before replying,

“ _Quanto sono piccanti le tue polpette_?” He covered his face. “Fuck, my dialect is so butchered talking like this...I’ve gotten all kinds of looks from the locals.”

“I’m sure they love you over there,” she reassured him, trying not to think about how hearing him speak Italian was really hot. “Make any friends?”

“Yes, quite a few. Learning a lot too.”

“Rome is a hot place to make friends, I guess.”

“Uh huh--although, I’m not there right now. Our group is staying a few nights in Ivrea. Tomorrow is the start of the Battle of the Oranges and we’re going to participate. Well, a couple are just going to watch and take photos. But I’m totally doing it.”

“The Battle of the _what now_?”

“It is what it sounds like. Three days of a full out war with citrus weapons. I can’t wait.” He grinned.

“Well, good. Sounds fun!” Rey struggled to find more small talk to make, although she did find the idea of Ben throwing and being hit by oranges an...interesting image. “You... adjusting okay to the time difference?”

“I’ve traveled a lot before so it’s nothing new,” Ben said with a shrug.

 _Oh right, I forgot...his mom is an ambassador or something like that. He’s a seasoned traveler._ Once again that pang of jealousy hit that she despised about herself.

“Is it hard staying in Takodana for those long periods then?” she had to ask.

“I actually don’t mind it. It’s nice to have the chance to get to know people and stay close for a long time.”

“Yeah! Crazy to think that you probably wouldn’t have settled down with Rose if it hadn’t been for your staying in school for so long.” She nervously rubbed the back of her neck. “You guys seem to be joined at the hip.”

At that, Ben looked away. Since it was after dark in Ivrea, the glow from the nearby lamp he had turned away from darkened his features for a bit. In the background Rey faintly heard voices in the background...sounded like an Italian radio station, most likely the news.

“Yeah....I guess...” Ben muttered. The end of his sweater sleeve covered his mouth and chin.

Rey often found herself monologuing about Rose to Ben. She knew she had a massive crush on him, but in no way wanted to get in the way of their relationship, so she often brought her up as a way into the conversation. Hoping it would knock some sense into her or teach her to be happy for them. ‘You guys are so cute,’ ‘you must be so happy,’ and on and on. Because, to be honest, they were. Rey’s crush on Ben didn’t have to impede on the wonderful relationship that already existed, and she could redirect that energy into something positive.

Which is why the sudden change in Ben’s tone at the mention of her struck a chord of deep concern in Rey.

Normally when he talked about Rose, he lit up and was all smiles, talking about how the gifts they would send each other and the plans they had for the date they’d have as soon as he was back in the States. But now he seemed closed off and distant, like talking about Rose was talking about someone he had not known, or spoken to, for many years. It was a very strange thing to hear that come out of him. Rey frowned and adjusted her laptop screen a bit.

“Have you guys been staying in touch…?” she asked.

"Oh...yeah.” He looked back at Rey. “We try to Skype every day when we can. If neither of us are too busy. But it's getting harder..."

“How so?” Despite all that there was no artifice in her voice, her concern was completely genuine, with no selfish ulterior motive. This didn’t sound good at all...

"Her last relationship ended because he was in the Army, and they had to keep in touch long-distance..."

_Oh, no…._

“Ouch...she’s not taking the separation too well then, huh?”

Ben nodded. He looked so sad and lonely she wanted to give him a big hug.

"Not at all. It's hard on her...she's one of those people who needs physical closeness as much as possible. It means a lot to her. And it’s not her fault, it’s just the way she is. She _needs_ to wake up next to somebody every morning. And the fact that I can't give it to her right now..." he sighed. "Honestly, I think she resents that I decided to come and study here."

“I mean.. I see her point. Not that you shouldn’t have gone but you must’ve talked about this before you left, right?”

"We did, yeah. I mean...I needed to do this at some point if I want to get my degree. She knew that..." He grabbed a nearby pen and began fiddling with it, clicking it on and off, twirling it between his long fingers.

“But things were good before? I just think it’s odd that she do this one-eighty if everything was just...okay, you know?” Rey asked.

"It wasn't one-eighty, is the thing,” Ben admitted. “The more we talk about it the more we both realize it's putting a strain on our relationship...I dunno, I'd rather not talk about it right now. Let's talk about something else. How's school going for you?"

“Uhhh...good! We’re finally getting out of the theoretical and more on the practical so that’s where I’m really allowed to shine! All those years at the repair shop being put to good use.”

"That's awesome." He smiled. "That's really good, I'm happy for you!" He rubbed at his patchy facial hair.

“Yeah! Crazy how much fixing cars almost accidentally teaches you about mechanical engineering. Now I just know the technical names for things.” She scratched at her own stubble nervously.

“Yeah, exactly. Well...I should probably turn in now. Big day of orange violence tomorrow.”

“Yeah, uh, stay safe, big guy!” She waved at the camera, wishing they could talk all day. But that wasn’t meant to be, she supposed.

“You too, Rey.”

“Sleep well! And hey...you and Rose? It’s gonna turn out okay. She loves you, Ben.”

His smile was fake but at least he gave it his best shot.

“Yeah, thanks. Talk to you later.” He pressed the ‘end call’ button and Rey watched his face vanish, leaving her starting at a white and blue screen showing how long their Skype call lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used Google Translate for Ben's Italian sentences (I do not speak a word of it and doubt taking 2 years of Latin in middle school would help lol...) so I hope it was close enough.
> 
> The more I get into this fic the more I realize it's not doing Poe and Finn much justice XD If I had more mental energy and time to make this a bigger story I would give them bigger roles and flesh them out better, but alas, trying to publish my own book and work full time doesn't leave much for fanfic. I do love Poe and Finn a lot and maybe one day I can write them in a fanfic with bigger roles, but oh well! I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW's: one brief sexual lyric mentioned.

Kylo was glad to be with the band again, even if they were jamming together via Skype instead of in person. He wasn’t the only member of the Knights of Ren away from their little studio back home in Oregon. ‘Raven’ and ‘Bandit’ were both out of state, currently in Chicago to meet with a record label.

Today, they had no exact agenda. But they did need to get some ideas rolling of what their next song was going to run about, lest they run stagnant. Their concept album about the gladiator was slowly coming together in the form of multiple Google docs, random lyrics, and scattered notes. But they had all agreed they needed to write a new single before putting all their effort into a full album. Kylo sat in front of his laptop, watching the band in their respective Skype screens. He pulled out his notebook, which he had been using to jot down poetry and song lyric ideas--exclusively for while he was in Italy. The cover was leather and had the phrase “mai soli” engraved on the back. Italian for ‘never alone.’

“What you got there?” Raven asked him.

“Some ideas…” Kylo glazed over his notes. At first he had thought little of them, but now, as his mind was now in the context of The Knights of Ren needing a new song, some of them began to form together. “I might have something.”

“What is it?”

“I’ll send it to group chat. One sec…” His long fingers flew over the keys, furiously typing bits and pieces of what he had written, etching them into the form of something that _might,_ just _possibly_ take the form of a verse or a chorus of a song. “Some stuff I’ve been writing at random.”

A couple minutes of silence passed as each band member took the time to read them over.

“Who is this about?” Paladin asked.

“Now you know that’s never important,” Kylo answered with a small smirk. “The point is, it’s about somebody who’s trapped and needs a way out.”

Lithium took a moment to re-read some of the lyrics.

“I like it. I keep saying, we need to be more sexually explicit as a band. Not just in lyrics either. We could totally perform this while doing mock sex moves and whatnot on stage. Ben! You could pretend the microphone is a dildo. I think our fans would dig that a lot.”

The band laughed about that but Kylo knew she was right. He had only been shirtless during performances a couple times. He wanted to push that too. Fans liked it. Had to give them what they wanted.

“This line here…’She’s thrusting into her hand waiting to feel something real’…is that…?”

“It means exactly what you think it means. The girl is masturbating her dick.”

A couple band members made wide eyes of realization.”

“Ohhhh….so that’s what the song is about!”

Kylo grabbed his small keyboard and started working on a tune. “I’m thinking this song should end on a more positive note, you know? Have an optimistic feel to it. That this girl whose parents shaved her head and burned her dresses is going to find her Prince Charming one day.”

“That’s not usual of our songs,” Raven pointed out.

“So? Let’s make this song different. They want us to be sexually explicit, so let’s throw this at them.” Kylo played a small tune and they got to work forming his poem about the girl named Rian into a song.

 

~

 

Later that night, Ben got a text from Rose asking if he wanted to Skype.

 _“Sorry, I’m way too tired to talk aloud. Can we stick to text tonight?”_ He was not lying, of course. It took a lot of energy to video chat and he much preferred that his movement for the rest of the night stuck to just his thumbs.

 _“Oh….ok.”_ After a pause, she added, _“So how are you?”_

_“Busy. Tired. Missing Oregon.”_

_“But you’re having a good time right??”_

Ben hesitated before answering. What did she mean by that? Would she be hurt if he told her he was having fun so many miles away from her? Or would she take that he wasn’t having fun too mean long-distance was too hard on their relationship?

 _“In some ways, yes,”_ he finally replied.

 _“I miss you...like really, really miss you.”_ Rose sent a couple sad face emojis, then, _“I’m not doing ok, Ben. I knew this was gonna be hard but i didn’t know it would be this hard…”_

_“I know Rose. I’m sorry...if I didn’t have to take this course”_

_“I know. It’s just so fucking hard. I feel like I’m going crazy.”_

Ben rubbed his eyes. He hurt for her. Just as Rose said, they had both known this semester would be hard on their relationship, especially for her what with how long-distance ended her last one. But now that it was here and Rose was on the other side of the globe, probably falling apart right now and there was nothing that he could do about it except text a bunch of dumb meaningless shit...it scared him.

 _“Won’t be much longer now,”_ he texted, then winced as he watched his thumb hit the ‘send’ button. Bad move. That sounded calloused. This was why Ben didn’t like texting; getting emotions through this form of communication was so fucking difficult for him.

Rose didn’t reply for several minutes, which was not like her. She was the type to text back instantly, at least when she was herself.

_“That doesn’t help me right now. Are you sure we can’t Skype? Just for 5 minutes??”_

_“I already shut off my laptop…”_

_“Ok. I’m gonna see if i can get drunk with some friends. Have a nice night, Ben.”_ And with that Rose stopped texting him.

Ben swore under his breath and stared up at the ceiling. Hoping he had not fucked up beyond repair.

_I probably did._

 

~

 

Meanwhile, Rose shoved her phone under her pillow and cried into the bedsheets. They still smelled like Ben--his hair, his skin, his body wash, his cologne. She missed him so much it hurt.

She had lied, of course. She had no intentions of going out to drink with friends, or go out at all. That had been sent in the hopes of just offending Ben on purpose, showing him that she could be happy and have a social life without him around. Or maybe it had been said more out of revenge for him not Skyping with her.

Rose knew she was acting like a bitch but if she had to sleep one more night using one of his shirts as a pillowcase just to comfort herself...she didn’t know if she could do it.

_Dammit..._

 

~

 

Rey thought long and hard while she worked on cars at work today. She had plenty to think about, as always. School. Classes. Teachers. Classmates. When to buy groceries. Her transition. One topic in particular, though, she decided to stick with today.

While her hands were busy, she wondered if she should tell anyone the name she preferred now.

‘Rey’ had such a lovely ring to it. It made her think of a ray of sunshine, warm light pouring in...a feeling she liked having associated with her name. And it started with an ‘R’ just like her legal name so it would be a relatively easy change for both herself and for others. She liked that it was gender-neutral too, meaning that even while she didn’t pass she could still use a name she preferred without painting a big target on her forehead. And on top of it all, the name had always felt right with her. But now it was a matter of telling anyone besides herself what she wanted to go by.

Finally, Rey finished her shift and headed out. As always she left the auto repair shop covered in filth--dirt, grease, engine oil, and general grime from fingertips to elbows as well as on her face. She didn’t mind it. But it always felt nice to get clean again.

Finn and Poe had invited her over for dinner again. And even though her brain preferred to curl up in her dorm with her laptop and do nothing, she knew she had to fight that. Poe was making homemade tacos and claimed that Rey would rather die than miss out on these. So, naturally, that left her little choice.

When she arrived she greeted Finn with a big hug, as usual. She loved that they could hug without any weird feelings between them. Today Finn was wearing a very nice basketball jersey that did not leave much to the imagination in regards to his strong arms and back muscles. Poor Rey felt herself flush a little, even though Finn was just a friend. Fucking hormones.

“How you been doing?”

“Oh, I’m okay. As okay as I’ve always been.”

“Well, come in. Food’s just about ready.” Finn led her inside. “You been keeping up with classes well, little sis?”

 _Little sis…_ Oh, Rey could have burst into tears right there. She was somebody’s little sister. But Rey managed to choke it down as she entered the kitchen area. She crossed her arms and leaned on the counter, where all the taco ingredients had been set out like a mini buffet. Poe was humming some song as he finished browning the meat. Rey shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

“Hey guys. So….got some news, sorta,” she managed to spill out.

Poe and Finn both turned to her.

“I think I know what I want you all to call me. Instead of Rian, I mean.” She took a deep breath. “It’s Rey. I want to be called Rey.” _Oh my god,_ she thought, _it feels so wonderful to say it out loud at last._

A small smile warmed Finn’s face.

“Rey….I like that. It’s a pretty name. Rey Jakku.”

She giggled and twisted a lock of hair around her finger, her chest bursting with butterflies at being described as ‘pretty.’ She wanted to jump up and dance around like a lunatic.

“Thank you! I think so too...well, I picked that name out a while ago, I just was afraid to tell anybody.”

“I like it too!” Poe beamed. “Spelled with an ‘e,’ right?” When she nodded he said, “makes me want to make you a nice cake with your new name on it or something.”

“Oh cut it out!” Now she was strawberry red. “But, I’m still not out publicly just so you know. So still male pronouns when we’re with anyone else.”

“Of course, of course. I got you. Soon as you’re ready let me know and I got a lot of folks who would love to meet you. But we should make tonight’s dinner a celebration. Celebrating Rey’s official introduction.”

“Finnnnnn, stop!” But before she could say anymore Poe had already poured them each a glass of something from the cabinet and handed it to her. Both Poe and Finn looked at her and Finn put his hand on her lower back. He felt so warm and soft against her, she could have hugged Finn for hours and never let go. She locked arms with him and he burst into laughter and playfully demanded she let go. Poe was laughing but managed to calm the two down from their antics.

“Here’s to Rey Jakku, our little sister and dearest friend.” He looked right at her. “Rey? Welcome to the world.”

Tears ran down her cheeks. Finn helped her quickly move them away and wipe her cheeks.

And all Rey could think about, in this moment, in this little snippet of childlike magic, was how she had started the school year. She began with nothing but the backpack on her shoulders and a secret hidden from the entire world. She had been terrified, exhausted from the long drive up from Arkansas. Alone, overwhelmed, broke and lost.

Now she was here, being called by the name she had chosen for herself. She had good food in her stomach, a nice in hand. She had friends who knew her as a woman and knew her name. She felt like a lost toy that had been dug out from the bottom of an old box, dusted off, and repaired. She felt like she could finally breathe and understand what it meant to be...human. To be happy and have a life worth living.

This was one of those moments she wanted her brain to capture like a photograph, tape to her fridge, and never, ever forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously do love Roselo (Rose/Kylo) a LOT as a ship; seriously it's so slept on by the fandom and I think it's the most adorable pairing. If you ever see fanart or fics of it BLEASE send them my way, I'm starved.  
> That being said it makes me sad writing their relationship going through this..this is a Reylo endgame after all, and don't worry Rose will find happiness too!
> 
> I just hope I'm not the only one who actually ships Roselo. If nothing else, the height difference should be selling it imo.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: brief mention of minor injuries, talk of being misgendered and implications of being mistreated by strangers because of coming out of the closet.

Rey got lucky. The next time Ben had enough spare time and energy to Skype, Rose unfortunately left him on ‘read’ as she was busy working on a group project. But Rey replied almost at once since she was taking a break from studying anyway. She found herself changing into a clean shirt just before the video call started, fussing over herself and hoping she looked decent.

Ben warned her beforehand that he still had a couple minor injuries from participating in the Battle of the Oranges and that she had no cause for concern. Nevertheless when they connected online Rey was still a bit startled to see a few stitches over his right eyebrow and a large, dark bruise still healing on his left bicep. He wore a black shirt that was quite snug on his broad build and his facial hair was coming in even more now. By now she was not just used to the look; it was really starting to turn her on--and at the same time, make her more self aware of her own five o’clock shadow, thank you very much, dysphoria.

As soon as soon as they had finished the awkward phase of “can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you, can you hear me?” that every single Skype call starts with, Rey took a deep breath. She had decided to tell him about her new name over Skype instead of text and had felt like she was on the verge of bursting for days.

“Sooo...guess what?”

Ben leaned in closer to the camera.

“I picked out my new name. I’m Rey now. R-E-Y.”

“Rey. I love it.” He beamed and got up for a second. He came back with a notebook and a marker and wrote something on it. When he held it up for the laptop camera Rey read the words ‘nice to meet you Rey, I’m Ben!’

“Ben, stop,” Rey laughed, covering her face and hoping she would not start crying all over again. She was blushing like crazy now. “You’re crazy.”

“New name day is such a good feeling. Who else have you shared it with?”

“Oh, pretty much everyone who knows I’m trans too.” She scratched the back of her head. “I would have told you sooner but I didn’t want to tell you over text.”

“Understandable. It’s a lot more fun to say your new name out loud for the first time. Which reminds me, I’d better go in and change your name in my contacts list before I forget.” He grabbed his phone. She watched him, still smiling. “Mind if I put a sun emoji next to it? I always put one after a friend’s name. One that makes me think of them anyway.”

“Wait, what was my old emoji?” Rey laughed.

“Uh...a dumb one. One of the car emojis cause you’re so good at mechanics.”

“I think it’s sweet.” Rey bit her lip, loving this new little tidbit she had just learned about Ben. Then she remembered something important. “Oh! How did the citrus war go? I already know you got banged up a bit, but tell me more.”

“The what now? Oh, that. It was fucking awesome. I got to be on the Aranceri della Morte team.” Ben looked so proud of himself.  “One of my classmates took pictures of the whole thing. Want to see?”

“Of course I do!” Sure enough they were all added to her Google Drive in a minute. Rey looked over the photos which were many depictions, varying in angle, of the locals either throwing fruit into the air or being pummeled by them. She quickly picked up that the different patterned jerseys represented each team participating. Ben’s classmate had also taken photographs of huge crates of oranges lined up along the sides of the streets. Spectators were also photographed standing behind nets, watching the battle from a safe distance. Finally, there were pictures of Ben, some capturing him in the action of throwing oranges at the other teams. Another showed him later on, with a bit of blood on his forehead and some bad bruising on his arm and neck. Even so he was dripping with orange juice and laughing, looking like he was having the time of his life. In the final photos the streets were coated in orange peels and stickiness.

“Messy! And scary,” she said, wincing again at the healing cut on his eyebrow. “I’m glad you didn’t get seriously hurt!”

“Just bumps and bruises. Couple stitches and an ice pack and I was just fine. It was so much fun. Totally worth it.” He smiled, feeling his bruise. “I’m definitely wanting to start something like this through our club. A food fight with rainbow colors. Either fruits of every color or maybe food dyed mashed potatoes?” He shrugged. “It’s a work in progress. I’ll figure it out.”

“Haha...fun idea, but I’ll pass.” Rey shook her head, thinking that there was no way in hell she’d voluntarily throw stuff at people much less have stuff thrown at her that could cause her to get hurt. Maybe that was a man like Ben’s idea of fun, but not hers. She was more of a ‘take a day trip to Coney Island and eat a hot dog while riding the Ferris wheel’ sort of fun.

"Speaking of which….have you, uh....come out to anyone else yet?” he asked softly.

“Oh hell no! You think I have a death wish?” She composed herself after she finished laughing. “But seriously, it’s just... so hard to come out to people when you don’t present accordingly. For all everyone else knows I’m a weird guy who’s either gay or a creep, and that’s the best opinion of me they’re going to have for a while. The whole pronoun game alone would be a nightmare to navigate. So yeah...I’ll hold off until I look the part. For now, survival and blending in is the goal.” She made a finger guns gesture to the webcam.

“So right now is the waiting period. Until you can present as yourself and transition.”

“Yep. I know all about waiting,” she sighed.

"Yeah, yeah I get it." He looked at her sadly, wincing. It was clear he understood her pain on a very personal level. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, Rey. Anything I can do to help?”

“Honestly? This.” She said with a breathy laugh but she meant it in all sincerity. “Just being able to be out to you and talk to you... you’re one of the only people in the galaxy who treats me like a woman...and you were a big reason I was able to come out at all. And I thank you for that.. So much...” she used ‘galaxy’ because Rey always had a flair for the dramatic but she meant every word. “I knew other trans people were out there but... you’re just so affirming and I can’t thank you enough for that. Especially when everyone else thinks I’m a man.”

"That's just basic human decency. Treating someone as their true self. I mean, if you want my help finding a doctor who can get you on hormones or talk to other trans girls about transitioning...." he stopped and looked away, rubbing at his bruise again. “Sorry. I don’t mean to push you....I just want you to be happy."

Rey adjusted her position, crossing her legs in front of her laptop and hugging herself.

“Believe me, If it were just up to me I would’ve done that by now. But money’s tight and I’m not exactly in the best place to be thinking about this right now.” Her gaze turned empty. She thought of her job and the career she dreamed of so much...and how all of that would become so fragile the moment she exposed her gender to the world. How so much she had built for herself from the ground up could fall apart in a moment’s notice, all because of who she was deep down inside. Tears began to well up in her eyes, and she tried desperately to hold them back.

 _Fuck._ This was not how the conversation was supposed to go at all. This was supposed to be happy.

But now all Rey could think about was how the world just saw her as a hairy, oily, gangly, awkward boy, how there was no way she could afford hormones and therapy with her current job, how her boss would respond if he found out. And how even in the best case scenario, the world would never see her as completely herself. And that was the real killer. As she blinked away her tears she saw Ben fumbling to try to cheer her up.

"Shit, I'm sorry, Rey....I didn't mean to--I just....hey, want to see a souvenir I got you?" Ben asked eagerly.

“Not your fault,” she reassured him, then smiled big in spite of herself. “And yes, show me. Please?”

"Okay!" He held up what looked like the coziest big hoodie Rey had ever seen. It had a bunch of cute cartoons of Italian foods on it. It looked like the kind of hoodie she could live in all fall and winter. The kind you could freely wear in any casual public setting but could also wear around the apartment all weekend. Her favorite kind of hoodie.

“It’s perfect!” She yelped, her previous negative feelings starting to wash away. Her face flushed again. “Oh my god, that’s so cute! I love it!” It was out of the box and unexpected but just...right. “It looks so soft and...I can’t wait to wear it!”

He smiled big.

"I'm gonna mail it to you next week. International shipping costs be damned."

“No-no-no, you don’t have to, just bring it with you when you get back.”

"But you need it! I won't be back until late spring and by then it'll be too warm for you to wear it.”

“Oh, _fine_ , only if it’s ok with you,” she giggled, hiding her mouth as she did.

"It is! You can't stop me." He grinned. "By the way, Rose says I should keep the facial hair...what do you think?" He looked back and forth to give her a better visual of it.

Rey considered it... it did suit him and give him a sort of edgy ‘don’t fuck with me look’ but she did always like clean shaven guys.

“Try shaving it, let’s see what you look like...”

"But you already know what that looks like," he laughed.

“Hmm, can’t recall,” Rey joked. “Still... you’re in a new country, reinvent yourself. Try new things!”

"That's true...hey, wanna hear me speak more Italian?"

“Sure...tell me the restaurant ran out of cannolis,” she said in a mock baby voice.

"Il ristorante aveva finito i cannoli."

“So smart and cultured...” She tilted her head up at the ceiling and mock fanned her face.

"Hey, I practiced a lot." He smiled and then said, "Sei una donna bellissima."

“And what does that mean? Oh mister expert on the Italian language and culture.”

"It means 'you are a very beautiful woman.'"

Rey blushed and looked away. _Dammit,_ she might start crying all over again but at least it was for a happy reason this time.

“Bennnn... stop it...” Her heart a fluttering mess.

“Is it really that cool to hear me say stuff in the language?”

“Not the language, just like... what you said...” she said, rubbing her upper arm.

“Well, it’s true.” Ben smiled big. She loved when he did that. He had such a beautiful smile but it came out so rarely, which probably made it even more beautiful in a sense.

“Well, you’re a very handsome man. Sorry but I can only say that in English.”

“I’m sure you can say it in pig Latin.” His smile got even bigger.

“I don’t even wanna try that.” She would’ve shoved him if he’d been there physically. “I’m sure it’s getting late over there so I won’t hold you up but we miss you a lot back here.” She paused for a moment. “I miss you...”

“Miss you too.” he rubbed his eyes. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“You too.” She put her hand up near the webcam, as if they could touch from miles away. Italy might as well have been on the other side of the universe for all she knew.

He put his hand up there too. And they held it there for a moment. It felt so strange to Rey.

“Hey. You’ll be okay,” he said.

“I’ll do my best.” She held eye contact as she pressed the ‘end call’ button and sat in silence for a little bit before getting up for a snack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! This year, The Battle of the Oranges took place March 2 through March 5 (today!), and it looks like it finished not long before I finished this chapter. So imagine if you will it's almost like Ben just left from there to Skype with Rey, and I promise I didn't plan it that way but what can you do. I have never been to Italy nor experienced the Battle but I read up on it for this chapter.
> 
> Also, shoutout to user @persimonne for helping with the Italian translation, really appreciate the help!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> Mention of self harm via cutting, and having to hide self harm scars. Description of anger outbursts resulting from panic attacks.  
> Implications of a character having flashbacks of physical/sexual abuse in a nightmare. Brief mention of drinking alcohol.

Rey was scared to death.

An unusually cold morning in early March was the day she decided to come out to Ben’s LGBT+ club. But now the second thoughts were starting up.

“I don’t know, Rose. Are you sure they’ll take it well? I mean, I haven’t even started transitioning yet!” She stopped walking as they approached Naberrie Hall. Even her hoodie from Italy couldn’t stop the shivers. Her cutting habit had become much less prevalent in recent weeks, but now and then when dysphoria and, well, life itself were too much, she still reached for her razor. So she still needed her hoodie sleeves to cover up the latest scars and Band-Aids, thinking she’d rather die than have everyone know she was a cutter.

“Of course they’ll take it well! We all understand that transitioning has nothing to do with how real your gender is.” She smiled reassuringly. Rose had become a lot closer to her since Rey came out of the closet to the two Tico sisters. At first Rey felt guilty because she was crushing hard on Rose’s overseas boyfriend, but the more she hung out with the Tico’s, the more Rose’s relationship with Ben didn’t seem to be a hindrance. Rose was the friend she could lament to about being a woman in this day and age, even though Rose’s life as a Vietnamese cis woman and Rey as a white trans woman had their many differences. Conversations with Rose and Paige were Rey’s first real ‘girl talk’ sessions. Just girls being girls together. The two had accepted her like she was their new stepsister. It was overwhelming...but felt amazing. Rey would compare the feeling to a cold glass of water in the desert.

“This is a safe place, trust me” Rose said. “Do you want to do this later? There’s no pressure, you know.”

“No, I want to do it now. I’m ready. I’m just...scared.” Rey laughed nervously.

“It’s okay to be scared.” Rose grabbed her hand gave it a gentle squeeze. “If anyone even thinks of giving you a hard time, they’ll have to get through me and Paige.”

“Thanks.” Rey smiled big; she couldn’t help it.

Snap, Kaydel, and the other regulars were there and greeted Rey as usual. They began the meeting with a couple quick announcements about some upcoming events around campus what with graduation. Kaydel had gotten a new Disney animation themed tattoo on her inner left wrist and showed it to everyone so they could see how well it was healing. They all also took turns venting about classes and professors and projects. Then once things quieted down a bit, Rose nodded in Rey’s direction.

“Hey, everyone. So...I have a bit of a big thing to announce.” And here she went again. She couldn’t believe she used to imagine coming out would be one dramatic moment and the rest of her life would begin after that moment. Coming out was a little burst of energy that happened over and over and over again. “I’m...I’m transgender. I’m a girl. I want to be called Rey. But I’m not ready to go out in public yet…”

Hugs were exchanged and lots of reassurance that they were here for her. Rey felt the unanswered question hang in the air, of _why_ she didn’t dress like a girl yet, or come out publicly. But Ben had told her repeatedly that she did not have to explain herself to anybody, so she didn’t bother bringing that up. And luckily, they didn’t either.

Her announcement was by far the highlight of the meeting. When it was over, Rey stayed a while to get involved in the light chat as people made their way. She waited until Rose started to head out before getting up and following her. Rose had spent the whole morning consoling Rey’s anxiety about coming out to the group that Rey now realized she hadn’t even asked Rose how she was doing.

“Hey, Rose, do you want to get lunch with me? I promise I’m not always this much of a downer,” Rey laughed, then dreaded coming off as needy. Which she was, of course. But her new friends didn’t need to know that.

“Uh, sure!” Rose brightened. “Ben promised to Skype me tonight, but how about tomorrow?”

“Okay. I haven’t heard from him in a few days. How is he?” Rey asked.

“Busy. Like, real busy. I only knew him as a casual friend his junior year, but I’ve never seen him this stressed about college before.” Rose’s typically cheery attitude began to fade out and she folded her arms over herself as they left Naberrie Hall. A gust of wind pulled at the two girls’ hair and jackets. “I miss him. It’s been hard.”

“I’m so sorry…” Now Rey felt like shit stealing all the attention that morning.

“I don’t think he’s really listening or understanding my needs. It makes me wonder if...shoot, Rey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop this on you all of a sudden.”

“Hey, I’m your friend! If you need to talk about it, we can talk.” Rey wanted to say something about her massive crush on Ben and the great possibility that crush just might have an interference with advice to give to Rose on their relationship...but she held it in. She could be a friend. She could push aside her feelings for Ben and focus just on Rose’s feelings for him.

Rey gestured to a vacant bench on campus and they sat down. Rose kept hugging herself, staring down at the ground.

“I feel like we’ve just hit this block we can’t get past. Where I tell him how I’m coping with the long-distance thing, and then he goes into how we knew this was coming, and then he doesn’t feel like I support his work. And then _I_ feel like he doesn’t understand my needs...and it always turns into an argument. No matter what. We can’t open up our own feelings without disagreeing about something.”

“Oh, no...Rose, that’s awful.” Rey didn’t have to fake sympathy. Rose was her friend and she did not like seeing her in so much pain.

“You know what’s even funnier? The more I look back, the more I see this was going on in our relationship for a while now. We started dating just about a year ago now and every now and then we’d end up going in circles like this. Neither of us feeling like the other was listening when we both needed to be heard so bad. And Ben has this...this…”  
“Yes…?” Rey braced herself. Just in case.

“He’s much better than he was when I first met him a couple years back. But he has an anger problem. When he gets angry, he can’t think. He just explodes.”

“Oh...”

Rose wrung her hands in her lap. Rey had never seen her this unhappy before. Suddenly images--really, _really_ bad ones--were crossing Rey’s mind, and she was about to ask something she dreaded hearing the answer to when Rose stopped her.

“He hasn’t hurt me or anything! God, no. That’s not what I meant. He’s not dangerous.”

“Oh!” Rey let out a big sigh of relief, a weight of worry dissipating as quickly as it appeared.

“But the thing is...he used to get in fights now and then with other guys. Someone would make a crude joke or get rude and Ben would attack them. He’s broken a couple things around his apartment too, not expensive stuff, but still. And usually those anger spells are because he’s having a panic attack.”

Rey winced at that. Her panic attacks left her numb, nonverbal, isolated. Turned her into a little ball in the corner of the room that wanted to hide. Ben’s panic attacks must be triggering a very different reaction inside him. Something that felt and did everything too fast, like a rush of poisonous adrenaline.

“And it’s a lot for me to deal with since sometimes his panic attacks, or anger episodes, or both...they’re kind of scary.” She sighed and rubbed her face. “And I know I sound really selfish and silly just saying that--”

“You’re being honest. The truth is never selfish or silly. It’s just the truth.”

“It’s not bad that it’s a lot for me to handle, is it? I mean…”

Rey shook her head.

“No. Not at all. Have you...talked with him at all about this?”

“Not yet. When he gets back from Italy I think I need to tell him. But I’m afraid how he’ll take it. It’s like saying his mental illnesses makes me love him less, but…” Rose sighed. “I just don’t know. I think he needs someone different. Someone who won’t get real scared or upset when Ben gets...like that.”

“When he has his anger episodes?”

“Yeah.” Rose winced. “But, thanks. For listening. I’ve only told my sister Paige about all this so--”

“Oh, oh yeah. Of course. I’m no gossiper, don’t worry about it.” Rey smiled.

 

~

 

Ben woke up in a cold sweat and tears running down his face.

For a few minutes he thought he was back at the boarding school. More specifically, in Snoke’s house. The slight musty smell in the student housing facility must have done it. Snoke’s mansion had had a slightly similar smell. So did his clothes. The smell of something very old that had been left for a long time, untouched and unwashed, yet not exactly dirty either.

He grasped at the bed sheets, partially expecting to see his own blood down there. Of course, there wasn’t any. He hadn’t bled from _there_ in years. Not since they locked Snoke away in prison for good. But Ben had to check, all the same.

 _Fuck…_ He held his face in his hands as he collapsed back on the bed. It was all he could do not to cry. This dream wasn’t as vivid as some of the others, more of a jumbled collection of memories slapped together. Like a collage of the worst years of his life.

He glanced at his phone. It was 3:04 AM in Venice, Italy. So it was 7:00 PM back home in Oregon. He was so used to doing that math by now. Someone back there was surely still awake and not swamped by finals. His hands shook as he typed a generic _“hey, you up?”_ text to the five most recent people on his Messages app: Rose, DJ, Kaydel, Rey, and The Knights of Ren’s group chat.

As usual these days, Rose ignored his text. She tended to do that now when he initiated the conversation, and it really frustrated him. Things had been getting worse and worse between them ever since he left for this trip.

He left his phone by the bedside table and grabbed for the bottle of whiskey he kept stashed under his bed, then fetched a can of beer from the little fridge. He took a swig, then poured some whiskey in the can before taking another swig.

DJ texted him back. Unbeknownst to Ben, Rey was stuck at work for the evening and wouldn’t see his text until later that night with a passing glance just before she passed out, too exhausted to even text back.

_“What’s up, bud?”_

_“Just need someone to chat with. Help me get back in reality.”_

_“Nightmares again?”_

Ben sighed. He wished DJ didn’t know about them. But one night when the band crashed at DJ’s house for the night, Ben’s brain just happened to pick that time, of all times, to launch into a full-on night terror. Of course, he didn’t remember it at all. They had to tell him what happened the following morning and explain the hole in the wall that was the size of Ben’s fist. DJ had covered the hole up with a Quentin Tarantino poster and laughed it off.

 _“Yeah. Don’t want to go back to sleep.”_ He stared at his phone, wishing it were 7:00 PM here again. He could go out to a bar with the other students, get drunk on good European beer and show off some of his favorite songs he wrote, and pretend he was totally fine and everything was good, that his mental health wasn’t on the brink of collapse every fucking day and his girlfriend wasn’t ignoring him and he wasn’t stuck in his past. Reliving the same damn moments like he could never get away from them.

_“I’ll send you funny Youtube videos until you fall asleep then ;)”_

_“Thanks”_ Ben sent back, then waited for DJ to start bombarding him. Well, any distraction was better than none, he figured.

While he waited, he grabbed his leather notebook, tore out a sheet, and scrambled to find the nearest instrument to write with, which turned out to be a red marker. He wrote the words in large all caps, then taped it to the mirror above his nightstand. They were the only words he could think of right now. They had helped him survive before. And they would help him survive now.

There. That would suffice for now.

‘LET THE PAST DIE.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was especially exciting to write because I get to write REY AND ROSE AS BEST FRIENDS. I really hope they hang out in Episode IX. I need my baby gorls to be besties desperately
> 
> Roselo is fading out, RIP; this has always been a Reylo fic so it was never meant to last (I'm a Reylo for life but if Roselo isn't the gosh-darndest cutest ship ever). But I knew from the start I would have zero tolerance for Rey and Rose not getting along because of Ben, cause that trope is old and boring and again, I just want my wonderful girls to have a friendship.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW's or CW's for this chapter

It was mid April.

Warm weather was finally returning, much to Rey’s relief. The Oregon air smelled sweet, and Takodana University was humming with the sounds of spring. That, and students in agony from finals, of course.

She walked across campus after her last class of the day. Today, Rey was wearing a simple black tank top under a big hoodie the color of coffee with a lot of creamer, a pair of navy blue slim fit jeans with a couple tears on the thigh, and red converse shoes. Underneath she had on a pair of black lacy panties she bought online a couple months ago since they really helped with dysphoria.

Ben had come back from Italy just two days ago, but Rey had not messaged him yet. Surely he had enough on his plate with resting up from the trip and graduating from school. It would be rude to bug him now. So every time she pulled out her phone and saw his name in her list of messages, Rey resisted the urge to text him. At the least he deserved his space while adjusting to life back home.

However, seeing him again in person was all that was on her mind for the time being. Rey had every intention of introducing Ben to Poe and Finn sooner or later, figuring those three would get along well together. She wanted

But for now, Rey put that aside and let herself take a small break from finals and general stress factors. As the soft wind filled her lungs with the scent of freshly cut grass, she headed into the LGBT+ meeting at Naberrie Hall. No one new was here today, but that was fine. It had been difficult for her to attend regularly, but when she wasn’t too busy with work, homework, or being depressed, she tried to head on over.

“Where’s Ben?” she couldn’t help but ask as she sat in one of the library’s leather armchairs.

“He couldn’t make it. He said he had a lot going on,” Snap Wexley said, but his words were tainted with something not allowed to be said in the meeting.

“Oh...well, I hope he’s able to come back soon.” She paused and a small ache formed in her gut when something else occurred to her. “I don’t see Rose here either...”

“Yeah, uh...she’s busy too. Finals and all,” Snap mumbled.

Rey frowned but knew better than t o pry. Clearly if there was more going on, Snap either did not want to talk about it here, or he wasn’t supposed to.

The last time Rey Skyped with Ben had been two weeks ago. He had a full moustache and goatee by now that he kept well trimmed. Rey couldn’t deny she missed his clean-shaven look but she was really starting to like this new look too. He had looked so worn out and drained, dark circles were under his eyes, and his clothes were wrinkled.

They had talked about school, mostly. Apparently graduating with a Masters degree was more stressful than he had let on. She complained about how much work she had to do and her paranoia about failing college and having to go back to her hometown, to which Ben reassured her they would never let that happen to her.

Much to her relief, he had no plans to leave the city, if only because his life and his band were here. He planned to try to get a better job and sell a book of poems before the end of the year. She would miss seeing him on campus, though. It wouldn’t be the same, that was for sure.

That evening, she messaged Paige and they went out to grab some Burger King together. In the past couple months since coming out to the group, Paige had found out too and become one of Rey’s new best friends. She was real good about helping Rey with little tips to help her feel more feminine until she could fully transition. Things like practicing on her voice pitch, using skin care and moisturizer, and wearing cute underwear--thanks to Paige buying them for her at the store. It was support that was definitely needed, as Rey was growing more terrified of the outside world finding out about her being trans.

After all, being trans is all fun when a small circle of your friends know. But when classmates, co-workers, strangers, and the authorities know, that’s a whole other field.

But she brushed those thoughts aside for now as she dunked her chicken fries in a hearty supply of ranch. They had grabbed a small booth towards the back of the Burger King next to a window. Per Rey’s request, Paige still used male pronouns in public just for safety measures, so the better chance they had of avoiding strangers, the better Rey felt overall.

“Hey, Paige? Rose wasn’t at the meeting today. Is she okay?”

Paige took a big gulp of soda.

“Uh, not really. She and Ben just broke up.”

Rey dropped her chicken fry in the ranch.

“What...oh my god, that’s awful! What happened?!”

“Well, from what I’ve gathered from the past three hour-long phone calls with her...there was a lot of stuff going on in the relationship.”

“Yeah, she mentioned some of that to me…” Rey looked at her, eyes wide with worry and yet that morbid curiosity to know the full story.

“And it sounds like what really brought it all home was Ben told Rose that he heard a rumor she’d been cheating on him while he was away. Which of course isn’t true. But when he asked, Rose took that to mean he didn’t trust her, even though knowing Ben he was just asking because he was curious. And that’s when the shit hit the fan. Big fight happened. And boom, it’s over.” She slapped her hands at an upward angle as a metaphor. “She needed me to come pick her up from his place. And I had to go there earlier today because guess who left behind her phone charger there?”

“Oof. That had to be…”

“Just a _li-ttle_ awkward, yeah. Ben feels horrible about the whole thing, but he’s pissed too. One of those things were neither side is really to blame directly, you know? It just...I knew they were in trouble when he left for Italy.” Paige sighed and picked up her chicken nugget and stared at it for a long time. “Is it just me, or is this shaped like an actual chicken? Like, a fat little baby chick. See its little beak there?”

Rey smiled big. Paige took a picture of the nugget before wolfing it down.

“Ugh, and then later today Rose texted me a list of her stuff I need to get from his apartment. How long can I procrastinate a _second_ awkward encounter? Like, ‘hey, good friend who also broke my baby sister’s heart, I’m here to confiscate that half-empty bottle of wine and that nice pillow over there, if you don’t mind!’”

Rey sat up a little straighter.

“I could, uh...I could pick them up for you, if you want.”

“Oh, you would?” Paige smiled with relief. “That would be...I mean, you don’t have to…”

“No, it’s okay! Ben’s a good friend of mine too and it wouldn’t be awkward for me at all. Saves you the trouble.”

“Okay, yeah. Thanks so much, Rey. I appreciate it.” Paige looked so much more comfortable just at that. “I’ll message you the list of stuff tomorrow.”

“Actually you could probably send it tonight...right now, even. I’ll see if Ben’s busy tonight.”

“Okay, take it easy.” Paige smirked. “He literally just got back on the market a day ago and my sister raided my emergency ice cream stash over him,” she said with a wink.

“I have no idea what—”

“It’s okay. I’ve known you had a crush on him quite a while now.”

Rey’s face turned strawberry red and she hid her face in her hands.

“Shit shit _shiiiiiit_ …”

“Rose doesn’t know. It’s okay! Your secret is safe with me. I’m a _sister_ , Rey. I know how to take secrets to the fucking _grave_.”

“What dumb thing did I do to give it away?”

“Ohh, you know, the usual stuff.” She put her hands under her chin and tilted her head to the side like she was in a Hallmark movie. “The way you blush and your eyes sparkle when you say his name. The way you always ask if he’s gonna be there when we invite you to a party or a gathering or whatnot.”

“Ew, shut up! Oh my god I’m so embarrassed…” Rey wanted to turn into a puddle, right there in the Burger King. Get mopped up and thrown out with all the wrappers and plastic cups and half-eaten sandwiches.

“Don’t worry about it. I do owe you one now for saving me the trip there.” She winked again.

“Damn right you do.” Rey found herself smiling anyway. Guess that was one thing she now knew about having non-biological sisters; they were the ones to tell your deepest secrets to.

 

~

 

Luckily for Rey, Ben was not busy tonight and didn’t mind her coming over. Rey would have felt weird just stopping by to grab his now-ex-girlfriend’s stuff, so she picked up Chinese takeout and a big gallon of iced tea on the way and texted him that dinner was on her tonight.

When she arrived she found Ben still with a bit of jet lag and his suitcases were scattered, still unpacked, the apartment full of laundry in various states of cleanliness and lack thereof. Even with the exhaustion from the trip and his recent heartbreak, he still gave Rey a smile when he answered the door. He was wearing a basketball jersey and sweatpants, and no socks or shoes.

“Rey! Get in here, stranger.”

“Hey!” If she wasn’t carrying a big bag of food she would have hugged him. But to Rey’s surprised, as soon as they were inside and she had set the food down Ben pulled her in for a hug. She found herself burying her face in his shoulder, just happy to smell him and to hear his heartbeat again. His hands were on her back.

“I missed you, hon,” he said softly.

And...right then, of all times, Rey felt herself getting an erection. A full on girl-boner, hard as stone and happy to be alive. With the way he was hugging her, there was no way he could _not_ feel it against his leg right now.

The underworld could not sweep in and take away her soul fast enough. She cursed herself for reacting this way around a guy who had literally just broken up with his girlfriend.

But whether Ben felt her boner or not, he pulled away from the hug as if nothing very awkward had just happened. Rey played along and smiled up at him, fixing her hair a bit.

“You’ve been growing it out since I last saw you.”

“Uh...yeah.” She laughed. “Rocking that Zac Efron _High School Musical_ look.”

“That definitely deserves a comeback.” He pulled out a chair for her. “Well, I’m starving. Let’s fucking eat.”

_Right. Food. Eat the food._

She sat across from him and they dished up their plates and poured glasses of iced tea. Neither of them were shy about stuffing their plates. That was one thing Rey liked about eating with Ben; she could eat a ton, without any manners, and he never cared at all. No judgement or passing remarks.

“What’s your fortune?” he asked her after they had both taken a few big bites.

“Huh? Oh!” She grabbed her cookie and broke it open to read the slip of paper.

 _“Something big is looking up for you very soon!”_ it read.

 _Wow. Hilarious. Thanks for that._ She passed it to Ben so he could read it. And yet again, either the irony was lost on him or he was just being polite.

“Mine says, ‘a nice package is on its way to you.’ Which is weird because I have not many any recent online purchases and my birthday isn’t until September.” He munched on his cookie.

“Oh, that’s interesting.” _A nice ‘package.’ Now I’m really reaching. And now I remember why I don’t get Chinese takeout often._

“But how is your semester going? I mean, really going?” He poured sweet and sour sauce all over his white rice and chicken.

“Uh, good. Busy, just like everyone else’s,” Rey laughed. But the last thing she wanted to do on her first day with Ben back was talk about her dumb life.

“First year almost done! You know, almost a third of students drop out after their first year? Just a couple more months and you’ll be out of that percentage.”

“Yeah. That is pretty cool.” She smiled brightly, knowing that he was saying this to encourage her and help her keep going, and she appreciated that. “So....when are you gonna tell me all about Italy?”

He swallowed a couple mouthfuls of beef and broccoli before answering.

“Well, there’s a lot to say about the trip of course. But it was great. Hard work, though.”

“Oh, right, makes sense.” She picked up her fork. “Paige told me about...you know.”

“Yeah…” Ben sighed and looked down. “It’s a mess. I’d rather not talk about that right now. I just want to catch up with you.”

“Sorry…we can talk about anything else.” _Rey, you idiot…_

He looked up at her and gave her a small, jetlagged smile.

“I’ll be all right. It’s not my first breakup. I’m a tough motherfucker; I got this.”

“Oh, I never doubted you! I just...if you need someone to talk to…”

“I know. And thank you. But not tonight,” Ben said softly.

“That’s totally fine.” Rey took a deep breath. This is all fine. This is nothing crazy. It’s just a conversation between two friends who haven’t seen each other in months, eating takeout and complaining about finals and the joys of being transgender together. What’s so crazy about that? And why should it have to be anymore than that at all?


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: brief mention of reckless sexual behavior, brief mention of masturbating.

Rey stayed at Ben’s apartment much longer than expected.

After they finished dinner, they sat on his couch under cozy blankets and talked for hours. They talked about school, as he was just about to graduate and she had another three years to go. They talked about how Rey was still adjusting to life up north as opposed to life in rural Arkansas, all the similarities and differences she had discovered over the past several months, and all the things that had begun to really grow on her. They talked about Italy, everything he learned there and all the things he got to see and experience. He showed her all the pictures he had imported from his phone onto his laptop, along with all the things he bought there, including a bottle of very nice perfume that was impossible to find in the United States.

“This was going to be a gift for Rose, but now that we’re...you know...you can have it.”

“What? Oh my god, thank you!” She clasped it lovingly. The perfume color was her favorite shade of pink and the bottle was in the shape of a heart. “I mean of course it’s gonna be a while before I can wear it, but...thank you!”

“Sure thing.” He smiled.

And of course, as was inevitable, they talked about her transition. What it was like to be called ‘Rey’ by her close friends now as opposed to ‘Rian.’ Her feelings about starting to grow her hair longer, and the mixture of jubilance and terror that came with that. Her own apprehensions about, someday, looking for a local doctor who would hopefully prescribe her hormones. And how that might affect her status at her job, a place where cisgender men dominated and were all fairly set in their ways.

“This is going to sound like weird advice, but...don’t rush getting on hormones.” Ben sat up a little straighter and relaxed his arm along the back of the couch. “It feels like something you want as soon as possible, like a drug you can’t resist. And that’s kind of true. But it really,  _ really  _ changes your body in ways you won’t expect. And you have to be mentally prepared for how much it’ll change not just your body but, well, your whole life.”

“Makes sense…” Rey hugged her knees and rested her chin on one of them. It was her favorite position when sitting. Made her feel small and delicate, like she had the ideal body for once. “How did it change your life?”

“Strangers treat you very different. Your emotional reaction to things changes. Clothes fit different. You even...you  _ smell  _ different. And then there’s the stuff it does to your sex drive and stimulation…”

Rey blushed at that.

“All I’m saying is, you don’t have to be in a huge hurry to rush onto estrogen, Rey. You are who you are, regardless of what chemicals are in your body. And there’s no rule that says as soon as you’re out to the world you need to physically transition as soon as possible. It’s not a race.”

“Thanks, Ben. That really helps to hear that.” She bit her lip as she smiled at him. As she moved to stretch her legs, their bare feet brushed under the blankets. A shiver went up her body at the skin-to-skin contact. Was she too close to him? Oh, fuck, did he feel uncomfortable with her this close? 

But yet again, Ben surprised her by not moving away. In fact as she dared adjust a bit more, until her toes were touching the leg hairs on his lower shin, he didn’t move away at all, as if encouraging her to move closer. It was such a small form of contact but Rey almost felt lightheaded just from this alone. And no, it probably wasn’t just because she had never been held or rocked as a baby, a fact which therapists confirmed with her after some intensive sessions during her later high school years.

And she had no way of knowing how to ask if he liked her. Even in a hypothetical sense. No way of knowing if he found her actually attractive or as someone he could fall for potentially.

How do you properly ask someone, _ “Hey, if you literally hadn’t just been in a relationship and if I wasn’t such a mess of self-loathing and dysphoria and mental illness, do you think we could be a cute couple? Would you say Yes if I asked you out? Would you ask me out first?” _

No. There’s no proper way to ask that, Rey figured out for herself pretty quick. No way to ask that and keep the social etiquette.

Rey focused on him. Ben was biting his lip, checking texts on his phone. Was it a self-defense to hide his own feelings in this moment? If ‘my foot is touching his leg under the blanket’ could even count as a moment at all, that is.

“Want to watch something or play a video game?” Ben finally asked her.

“Sure! I’d love to.” Rey internally breathed a big sigh of relief. “I’ll kick your ass just like last time.”

“Oh, I’d love to see you try,” he laughed and started up the console. And just like that, the physical contact was broken as he sat up straight and planted his feet on the floor. But Rey didn’t forget it. She didn’t forget how, even so subtly, he didn’t move away when they touched.

  
~

 

By the time they finished playing it was past midnight. Rey apologized up and down for staying so late. Ben wouldn’t have it and insisted he was more than happy to hang out with her again, that he loved the company. And he practically forced her to take the leftover Chinese food with her instead of letting him keep it.

“But you’re the one who got dumped, not me! You need your comfort food, Ben.” She pouted.

“My breakup comforts are chain-smoking and writing music,” he said in a way that Rey wasn’t sure how much was joking and how much was supposed to be taken seriously.

“Ah, right. Got to keep up that angsty vibe, cigarettes and emo lyrics and all.”

“Gothic, not emo. There’s a big difference, you uncultured swine,” he teased.

“Whatever,  _ nerd _ ,” she elbowed him before she started packing up the food. While she did Ben gathered Rose’s stuff. It was easier than they thought to find everything on the list Paige sent and within several minutes it was all gathered in a small pile. Rey expected that to be the moment that Ben finally opened up about his heartbreak but even then, all he did was help her carry it all to her car. They were mostly clothing items, a couple coffee mugs and kitchen utensils, a pillow, headphones, some water bottles, and a small fan.

Once it was all packed up, she turned around and Ben pulled her into another hug. It was a cool night for this time of year and Rey shivered just a bit. She let the hug linger as long as he wanted, just content that he was back home and she could see him almost every day again. Unable to stop it, her mind wandered back to that haunting question:

_ If I asked...would you say Yes? _

The words began to press against her tongue. She needed to know. Just a hypothetical question. Just to know if Ben would even consider going on a date with her and maybe even trying a relationship with her. Because if he was never going to see her as more than a friend, she needed to know sooner or later so she could work on getting over him.

“Hey, Ben…?”

“Yeah?” He pulled away to look down at her.

And Rey was so, so close to asking him out, even on a rain check, even if it was the simplest, most casual date known to mankind. But at the last moment, she stopped herself.

_ I...I can’t. He just broke up with Rose. It’s not fair to him. _

_ He’s heartbroken right now and the last thing he needs is a friend asking him out. _

“Just...let me know if you need anything, okay?” she asked instead.

“Yeah, thanks.” He looked at Rose’s stuff in the front seat of Rey’s Ford Explorer. “It hasn’t hit me yet. I don’t know. I’ll cope. Please, don’t worry about me.”

“Well, I’ll do my best.” Rey smiled at him and got in the car.

  
~

 

It didn’t sink in for Ben until he turned in for the night, surrounded by laundry to wash and final projects to complete, and he suddenly realized how quiet the apartment was now.

It was as if he had never left Italy, all his friends were several hours behind, and now Rose was gone. He might as well have never come back at all, it seemed.

Ben struggled not to cry. But when he grabbed his pillow he could still smell a bit of her favorite shampoo on it. That was when it started to kick in. The realization that he had lost a great relationship with a wonderful girl, and he had a lot to blame for it. If he had handled the long-distance better. If he had let her open up more. If he wasn’t so damaged that Rose had been more caregiver than girlfriend on the bad days. If he wasn’t so fucking messed up then maybe he could have handled it better on his part, not left so much emotional burden on Rose. He knew better than to let his mind go there, but without Rey’s sunny presence to distract him, he couldn’t help it any longer. Ben squeezed the pillow tight and choked down his tears until they passed and he could pull himself together.

For a little while he paced around the bedroom, idly glancing at all the stuff he needed to get done. All the dirty laundry and unfinished assignments looked so daunting that Ben decided not to even touch them tonight. His thoughts would not slow anytime tonight.

Rose had not been his first relationship. Ben had casually dated a few people in his first four college years, but that was a time in his life he was least in control of himself. It got to the point sometimes he would have let anyone have sex with him if only so he could feel a little bit better about himself. He never even got the name of several of his partners, or if he did he had long forgotten it. Around the time he graduated with his Bachelor’s, he found a therapist who helped him with his reckless sexual behavior. After that, he avoided dating for a while until Rose, who he initially met at a Pride parade a couple summers later, asked him out for coffee. They slowly hit it off from there, but he was Rose’s first sexual partner, and that fact made him feel even more guilty about the whole matter.

Ben sat on the bed, feeling sick inside. He grabbed his phone and was about to text Rey. Ask her to come back or maybe hang out all day tomorrow while he unpacked and did some studying. It had been so wonderful to have her over today, eat good food and play video games and talk about all kinds of things. He loved that and wanted more.

But just before he hit ‘send,’ he deleted the whole thing and shut his phone off.

_ She doesn’t need that from you right now. You’re just texting her because you’re needy and lonely and sad. If I’m going to ask her to hang out it should be because I want to spend time with her...not just, not be alone. You have a lot of emotional baggage to sort through and it’s not on Rey to help you get your shit together. She deserves better than that. _

Ben groaned and decided there was no other way to get to sleep tonight, so he took to desperate measures. He took one of his anti-anxiety pills, grabbed his laptop, set it on the side of the bed where Rose should be sleeping, and pulled up one of his normally go-to videos on Pornhub. He yanked his boxers and sweatpants down to his ankles and began to rub his clitoris until he felt himself getting wet, then slowed it down to make it last.

_ Besides, even if I did ask her, she’d probably say No anyway,  _ he thought as he idly fucked himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd the pining begins!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: This chapter is the most graphic so far. There are detailed descriptions of a character (underage at the time it happened) being sexually abused and how this is affecting them in present day.

A few days passed by quietly.

Rey still went to the coffee shop every day that Ben worked to get a frappe or hot tea, depending on her mood. He was able to give her a smile each day, but Rey could tell when they were not genuine. Every day, she made sure to ask how he was. And every day Ben found a way to say he was okay.

At the next club’s meeting, Ben was there, but not Rose. No one mentioned her but it seemed that everyone knew what had happened. Afterwards, Paige updated Rey on how her sister was doing. And it seemed Rose was still very sad, but holding together, binging on Ben & Jerry’s and  _ Gilmore Girls _ to heal the wound.

Ben had been home from Italy for about a week when Rey realized he was acting different. It took a lot of corny jokes to even get a smile out of him when she saw him at the coffee shop. She didn’t cross paths with him at the usual places on campus. He didn’t have much input in the second meeting either. Thinking he just needed his space what with the breakup, Rey didn’t push him. But she couldn’t help but feel like she was being pushed away.

Which she really didn’t like, now that she had just recently come out and was adjusting to the fact that a small circle of people knew she was trans. And maybe she was just being a jerk for wanting Ben to be emotionally supportive of her, but hey, she came out to him and Rose first, and Rey was still depressed every damn day.

So she let the stress of her job at the auto repair shop and her college classes distract her.

Until one warm sunny morning, while sitting in class, when Rey got a text from him, not knowing how many times said text had been typed, deleted, then re-typed again over the past seven days.

_ “Hey, you wanna come hang at my place and study together?” _ was all it said.

That surprised her a bit, but Rey responded with a thumbs up emoji and took her book bag and laptop and drove over to Ben’s apartment. When she arrived he answered the door for her. He was only wearing a creased stained shirt and ripped jeans.

“Hey...sorry, kind of in need of a study buddy today. I have coffee and snacks and good music…”

“Sure, no problem!” Rey entered, giving Ben a sheepish smile. She was dressed in a black and white baseball tee and loose fitting jeans held up by a black belt as well as her signature black converse. He sat beside her on the couch and got out his books, laptop, and notes.

"So what do you have to work on?" he asked.

“A couple papers. None of them due until next week though. You wanna work together on your stuff? I’m not sure I’d be much help but I’ve heard I’m great moral support.” But she sensed that Ben hadn’t called her over for homework “Hey, uh. Is... everything okay? L-like with you?”

He got quiet. Real quiet.

"Uh yeah, everything's fine." He sighed. "Well, no...not really. I was kind of in need of company today. Not doing the greatest mental health-wise.”

She gave him a knowing smile, and only wished he had said something sooner.

“I get it. It’s hard...and I’m here if you want to say anything. You were there for me this winter when I was super depressed; now let me take a turn being the supportive friend.”

“I hate admitting I really miss Rose. But, there’s no way we can get back together, so why should I get hung up on it?”

“But you were close... Ben, you guys were dating for a while, this kind of stuff fucking hurts. You’re human.”

"You're right....I'm sorry, we can talk about something else. you don't want to hear this.” Ben rubbed the bridge of his nose.

To that, Rey sat straight up and looked right at him. She didn’t know where it came from but she felt a steel resolve in her to be there for Ben right now, to be a  _ friend _ .

“Yes, I do want to hear this. That’s why you called me over, and it’s why I drove here. You know me, Ben...I’m not a gossiper and I don’t judge anyone. If you need to talk about something, I’m here.”

He smiled a little but it faded shortly.

"I'm scared, Rey. The flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse..." He wrung his hands and looked down at the floor, as if ashamed to tell her that.

Rey winced a bit at that. This was going to get ugly, she realized. And clearly a lot more was going on than just grieving over the loss of a relationship.

“What do you mean….?” she asked.

He let out a long, deep sigh.

"So this kid I used to know from my boarding school found me on Facebook the other day and messaged me. It’s been bringing back...a lot of old junk. I guess it doesn’t help that I just broke up. So I’m already vulnerable as it is.”

“Yeah, no shit…” There went the unanswered question. What the hell did a kid from his boarding school have to do with ‘old junk’?

“I haven't told you much about what happened to me as a kid..." Ben ruffled his hair, staring down at the floor.

She braced herself, but had no intention of stopping him. He really needed to get this out, it seemed, her own sensitivity to whatever he was about to tell her be damned. She could take it. She had to take it, for his sake.

It took him forever to get the words out of his system. Long pauses between the phrases. Long hesitations like it took all his strength to say it.

"When I was still real young, right around age eight, my parents sent me to the boarding school my uncle worked at. They hoped it would...help me, I guess. I learned things differently than most other kids when I was young, or something to that extent. My uncle’s school was made for ‘gifted’ kids and my parents decided it would be good for me. They came to see me a few times a year, but not much. And of course I'd visit them during the summer. Anyway, couple years into my schooling there, one teacher started working there...and everyone liked him. A lot. And he seemed really impressed with me. He told me I was very special. That no one else would understand how I felt, not even the other kids. And...I trusted him...I trusted him with everything...." He choked a bit before he continued. “I even came out to him before my parents and he was all over me. He gave the acceptance and support I craved so bad. I was so young and stupid, I didn’t consider people might pretend to accept you for being trans just to lure you in and gain your trust. I thought he meant all of it.”

Rey sensed where this was going and tensed, pursing her lips to brace herself.

"After a while, he started asking favors of me. They seemed harmless at first. 'You should wear this outfit; it looks good on you and makes you look like a normal boy.  'Come visit my house after class so I can show you my library.’ ‘Run this quick errand for me; I don’t trust anyone else to get it right’. That sort of thing. And the little favors became more proof of how ‘special’ I was. Favors involving me knowing some of his online passwords, safe codes, and so on. He started asking me to spend the weekends at his house, and I did. We’d spend hours just talking. He showed me so many neat things around his place. Trophies and artifacts and hundreds of books. He was super wealthy, I forgot to mention that. Thing is, all our little meetings were supposed to be kept secret, and I was real good at not telling anyone about it. And the whole time, I thought I was  _ lucky _ . I thought he was interested in me because he wanted to make me a good student. And it went on like that for a couple years.

“But then before I realized something about the whole thing was wrong, he started...started having me do...sexual stuff. Starting from when I was twelve years old.”

Rey’s blood went cold, and she tasted vomit in the back of her throat.

“I did it to him, with him...to myself. Usually it was at his place; he claimed he was ‘teaching’ me and helping me understand the man’s body I would have someday. Other times he’d give me scripts for videos to send him. I’d film it all in my room, doing things to myself on camera for him I didn’t really understand. He always insisted I was his favorite student and that if I did what he told me to do he'd make me the best...." He cut himself off. He was shaking by then. “And there was no saying No to him,  _ ever _ . When I tried to resist him, he would….”

Rey felt nauseous.

She wanted to beat the shit out of this teacher the same way she wanted to beat her parents’ friends. She wanted to show them how much they ruined her and Ben. And she wanted to hurt them over and over until she felt nothing anymore. Ben looked at her and she saw hot tears in his eyes.

"It still hurts…”

She suddenly found that tears were in her eyes as she didn’t just hurt for him, she hurt  _ with  _ him, as someone who knew what it felt like and how you were never the same again. Ben saw the tear on her face and when she opened her arms as an offer to hug him, he reciprocated and rested his face on her shoulder. She pulled him in close, her hand on his back.

“Ben...I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, but....it’s not your fault,” she whispered.

He took in a sharp breath and couldn't even speak. His fingers closed in over hers, craving more of her touch and affection.

“God, it’s  _ not  _ your fault,” she whispered again, tightening the hug. She felt his tears seep through his shirt. “Trust me when I say that. None of it.  _ None of it _ was your fault.”

He buried his face in her shoulder and she felt his shoulders heave with silent, heavy sobs. He tried to apologize for having a breakdown in front of her but couldn't form the words. She held him, rubbing his back, encouraging him to let it all out. All Rey could do was hold herself together for him right now, try to suppress her own rage and hate, and just let him be.

He held onto her for support and cried for what must have been a solid fifteen minutes before he finally calmed down and had gotten it all out of his system. He held still, breathing hard. She held him and stayed still. He slowly pulled away, his face all red and his eyes raw.

"I-I'm sorry, Rey...."

“Dude,  _ no _ . No. You have nothing to be sorry about...” she said, rubbing his shoulder.

“And the kid from the boarding school I mentioned...she started messaging me about how something similar happened to her. And that’s when all the memories came rushing back.” He rubbed his eyes. “And I’ve been a mess since that. Just reliving all of it. Everything he did to me. Shit, Rey, I’m sorry—“ he couldn’t help but apologize yet again. “—for dumping all this heavy stuff on you, I mean. I should have asked if it was okay.”

“You needed to get it out. I get it...I do. The way that monster messed you up and it still hurts. In some ways, I...I know what that feels like. You  _ need  _ to talk about that awful stuff or it’ll eat you alive and...” she paused, Taking a deep breath. “And the healing process is never really over. You just keep going. You carry your burdens, but they don’t define you. And I’m here for you. Don’t ever feel like you need to censor yourself, but…don’t feel pressured to say everything at once.” She could feel her thoughts becoming scrambled, no thanks to her own strong emotions, and she stopped, “I’m not making any sense, but please don’t apologize for feeling...”

She finally saw a bit of his smile from before come back.

“That means....more than I can say. I’m here for you too, i hope you know that.”

Her eyes stung from the film of tears that formed in them, and offered him that same genuine smile. She stared into his eyes, watching the expression turn from shame and sadness to a placid contentedness.

“Maybe...homework can wait...?” he said quietly.

She gave him a grin.

“Yeah, fuck homework. Fuck all of it. Let’s just take it easy the rest of the night. Are you hungry?”

“I guess so…”

“I’ll order. Food’s on me.” She didn’t have much in her checking account, but he deserved a treat and she’d make it work.

“Delivery sounds good. I could eat.”

“Whatcha in the mood for?”

“Umm...pizza I guess. Good comfort food.” He smiled a little.

She ordered some pizza, hot wings, and mozzarella sticks and turned on the TV. Rey froze for a moment as she noticed Ben put an arm around her and she cuddled into him a little bit. He didn’t pull away and she could only assume physical contact was comforting him right now, and she didn’t want to let go either. The more they ate and watched tv as the day progressed, the closer they got. Eventually Rey’s head was on his chest and his arm was around her. Neither said anything about it. They both just let it happen.

“So um...do you wanna...camp out here tonight? Study together in the morning?”

“I’d love to,” she said, flashing him a warm grin.

"Cool...I'd like company."

She got up, and sheepishly asked if he had something she could wear.

“Yeah uh....hang on a sec.” He got up and came back with a tee shirt and some basketball shorts. “They’ll be big but...you know...”  
She went to the bathroom to change and came out with the much baggier clothes

“They’re perfect!” She smiled.

“Good. Well....if you’d rather have the bed I can sleep on the couch. I usually sleep there anyway because I need the tv on at low volume to fall asleep.”

“Sounds good to me...” she said, sheepishly rubbing her neck.

He put away the leftover food when they were both all done eating. He even had a spare toothbrush and mouthwash he kept in the bathroom just in case and let her use them before bed. his bed was unmade but not dirty and a couple of his notebooks for writing were lying around. Ben grabbed a blanket and a pillow for the couch and looked at her with a slightly odd expression, like he was trying to read her or figure out how she perceived him.

"Night, Rey. Thanks again for, you know…”

“Of course, Ben. You’re my friend. I’m here for you.”

“I still feel kind of bad for venting without asking first. I mean…”

She just shook her head.

“Ben. It’s okay. Trust me.” She smiled and didn’t stop until he returned it. For good measure she leaned in to give him another hug, and when he made no motion to stop her, she held him tight. He hugged her back and she felt him take a deep breath. Her heart ached deeply for him. “Sleep well, okay?”

“Thank you. You too,” he said before pulling away.


End file.
